A new hope
by valkrys
Summary: Set in the future, focusing on Ryan and his wife and children, but also involving a SethSummer storyline COMPLETED
1. Prologue

**I don't own anything related to the O.C., Bernadette and Alyssa are all mine though... please R/R!**

**A new hope**

**Prologue**

Lying on a canvas chair, overlooking the pool where Alyssa was swimming, Bernadette sighed heavily, trying to enjoy the sunny day. Dressed in a light summer dress she couldn't hide her swollen stomach. A slight smile appeared on her face when the baby kicked inside of her and she protectively reached out for her belly, touching it gently.

"Alyssa, would you please come out of the pool and get ready, Dad will be home any minute. Uncle Seth and aunt Summer will come by tonight, so you gotta clean your room in case you and Cassandra want to play upstairs" she announced to her daughter.

"Yes mummy" the light brown haired girl answered, immediately climbing out of the pool.

Running over to her mother she picked up a towel and started drying her hair, while placing herself on the chair. Her blue eyes sparkled and she laughed as she spilled some water over Bernadette.

"Did you have fun?" the woman asked, smiling at her beautiful girl.

"Yes, I wish Cassandra could have swum with me, but I'll see her tonight, so it's ok." Alyssa answered. She quickly hugged her mum, grabbed her stuff and started walking towards the house.

Bernadette took her time to slowly get up, supporting herself at the back of the chair. Collecting the book she had been reading and the glass on the table beside her, she was just about to walk towards the porch when the door-bell rang.

"Sweetie, could you please get that?" she called out to Alyssa who was standing on the balcony, hanging her wet trunks.

"Sure" her daughter replied, already running downstairs.

Bernadette walked into the kitchen, placing her stuff on the table, trying hard to steady her breathing. A few seconds later Alyssa entered, grabbing her mother's arm to support her, announcing "You should have waited for me", her eyes expressing worry. When Bernadette didn't reply anything she continued:

"It's an Ms Cooper; she's in the foyer….. I think I know her from somewhere… she says she's here to see you?" Knowing that the curiosity could be well heard in her voice, Alyssa gave her mum a glance, hoping to receive more information on the newly arrived guest.

When her mum winced the worry was back in her face, she was about to ask what was wrong when Bernadette interrupted her: "Ok, thanks sweetheart, please go upstairs, I'll handle it."

"Are you sure you don't need any help?"

"I am sure, please go get changed, Dad will be home soon".

Knowing the there was no arguing; Alyssa left the kitchen, trying hard to figure out where she had seen the strange woman in the foyer before.

Bernadette slowly made her way to the foyer, thoughts racing through her mind. She knew that the woman she was about to meet was the complete opposite of herself. Single, good looking, thin, successful as a model worldwide. Looking down her body she sighed at the sight of her belly and tried to focus on the things she wanted say.

Marissa looked even more beautiful in real life than on TV. She was wearing a short skirt and a fancy blue top, the high heels on her feet making her appear even taller. Her brown hair was put back in a pony tail and Bernadette admired her slim figure as she was standing at the fireplace, looking at the paintings of Alyssa.

"Ms Cooper?" Bernadette asked quietly.

Marissa turned around and gave Bernadette a curious glance, eying her up and down.

"Bernadette?" she finally asked, holding out her hand to the strange woman in front of her.

"I wasn't sure you would come" Bernadette replied, while shaking the model's hand.

"Your letter said it was kind of urgent and since I was in Newport anyway… To be honest, I was curious."

"I know it was a strange letter and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you my full name, but I was afraid you wouldn't come…" Bernadette's voice trailed off, her eyes trying to avoid Marissa's.

"Do you want something to drink" she asked after a few moments of awkward silence.

"No, thanks…"

Another silence followed until Marissa couldn't hold back her curiosity and asked:

"So… what did you want to talk about that was so urgent?"

Bernadette placed herself on the couch, sighing heavily before lifting her gaze and looking directly into Marissa's blue eyes.

"I'm dying…"

"I..I…I'm sorry to hear" Marissa replied startled.

"I know it must sound weird, bring 5 months pregnant, but it's true. I have cancer in the last stage. My doctor discovered it a few weeks ago. The only option was an abortion, but as the doctors didn't know if they could heal me at all, I decided to keep my boy…"

Marissa nervously stared at her hands, her mind racing. What did this woman want? Obviously she didn't need money, as she was living in a huge mansion in Newport Beach. She appeared calm, telling her story in an even voice, not looking for pity. But what was she looking for?

"I'm sorry Bernadette, but I…I… don't understand what this has to do with me?"

"I haven't told my husband yet" Bernadette stated calmly, confusing Marissa even more. She nodded silently, not knowing what to say.

"I… I… was hoping… that maybe…. We could tell him together… this must sound weird, but I know that deep down in his heart… he loves you… he always has…"

Marissa tried her best to follow the words of the pregnant woman in front of her, but she still didn't see the connection.

"I don't think I understand… is he a fan?"

Shaking her head silently, Bernadette got up, walking towards the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, I need something to drink" she called over her shoulder, gesturing Marissa to follow her.

When she had emptied her glass of water she placed herself at the counter, again avoiding the woman's eyes in front of her.

The awkward silence in the kitchen was interrupted by the entering of Alyssa. She gave Marissa a curious glance, grabbing herself something to drink out of the fridge. The girl smiled shyly and was about to leave when she suddenly turned on her heels, excitingly grinning at the model.

"I know you! You're Marissa Cooper, right? I have seen you on telly over at the Cohen's"

"Cohen's? You know the Cohen's?" Marissa exclaimed surprised.

"Yes, Cassandra is my best friend, she's the daughter of Seth and Summer Cohen" the girl smiled, not catching the horrified look on her mother's face.

Suddenly the front door opened and the two women jumped.

"Anyone home" a deep, husky voice could be heard in the kitchen.

"We're in the kitchen Daddy, and guess who is here?" Alyssa called, immediately running towards her father.

He picked her up and hugged her tightly, pinching her cheeks softly, admiring her sparkling blue eyes which looked so similar to his own. He carried her while walking towards the kitchen.

Alyssa was just about to announce the name of their guest when he saw her standing at the counter, a shocked expression on her face.

"Marissa!"

"Ryan…."


	2. Chapter 1

**_Disclaimer: I still don't own anything of the O.C... waves to Josh_**

_Thanks everyone for the reviews, you all made me continue the story ;-) Please keep reading and reviewing!_  
**_  
And finally, thanks and hugs to Chuckie for beta-ing waves to Chuckie_**

**Chapter 1**

An awkward silence followed while Ryan placed his daughter on the floor, his mind filled with unspoken questions.

"What are you doing here?" he finally asked, walking over to his wife, placing a quick kiss on her cheek and tenderly touching her belly.

"Actually Bernadette invited me over..." Marissa answered, her voice trembling slightly.

Ryan was eyeing Marissa up and down, inhaling her beauty as he remembered her. She had changed, sure, but he could still see the teenage girl inside of her which he used to love. Used to?

Marissa watched Ryan closely as he placed himself on a chair next to Bernadette, one hand immediately searching for his wife's hand. He had taken off the jacket and his muscles could be well seen through the shirt. She remembered the days when she used to run her hands through his dark blonde hair, cuddle herself against his muscular body.

Alyssa curiously watched the reactions and expressions on the faces of the adults and decided that something really strange was going on. She was relieved when the front door opened once again and a tiny voice asked:

"Alyssa, are you home?"

She gave her parent's one last glance before she run out of the kitchen, welcoming her best friend with a hug.

"Mum and Dad will be over soon, Benjamin wet himself right when we were about to leave" Cassandra explained, sniffing her nose at the thought of her baby brother.

"My parents are in the kitchen and guess who is here? Marissa Cooper! The famous model!" Alyssa whispered excitingly, waving her hands towards the kitchen.

"Really?" the black haired girl replied astonished. "My mum talks about her a lot, I think they used to be friends, they even grew up together!"

"That's strange, Dad must know her as well, but he never talked about her... Anyway, let's go upstairs, I don't wanna disturb them."

The two girls started running upstairs, loudly talking about the hot boy they had seen on "the valley" the day before.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Bernadette wasn't sure what to do now. She was tired and confused and she needed to get changed for the dinner later.

"Ok, I'm gonna lay down for a few moments, I guess you guys have a lot of catching up to do..." she started and rose, ready to leave when Ryan grabbed her arm, gently holding her back.

"Wait, you can't just leave us here, I want to know what's going on!" he said in a calm voice, his face not showing any emotion.

"Maybe I should come back later..." Marissa started but stopped when she caught a pleading look of Bernadette.

"Honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" Bernadette told Ryan, trying to sound as calm as her husband.

"This is all such a mess and the timing is bad... I know that the two of you haven't been talking since your argument 12 years ago..."

Turning to Marissa she continued: "I don't know about you, but Ryan still has feelings for you -"

"Hey! What the hell are you talking about?" Ryan angrily interrupted.

"It's true, isn't it? I know that you love me with all your heart, I really do. But I also know that Marissa will always have an important place in your heart. That's why I wanted to have her here, for your support."

"Support? Tell me what's going on, now!" he demanded in a husky voice, not hiding the anger anymore.

Taking a deep breath she placed herself on the chair again. While staring at her hands she started telling the whole story.

"I went to this appointment with my doctor. Since you were busy at work, Summer accompanied me. One of my blood tests must have been abnormal, so they checked again what could be wrong. Well, a few days later I got a call from Dr. Hanson, telling me to come by as soon as possible. I knew that something was wrong right away, but I didn't wanna scare you, so once again I asked Summer to come with me. To cut a long story short, they told me that I have cancer..."

Bernadette could feel Ryan visibly flinching next to her before he nodded, clenching his fists.

"What can we do?" he asked his wife when he finally looked up, directly looking at Bernadette.

"There isn't much to do... They told me I have one year left... without being pregnant that is. But since I want to keep our boy, I decided not to have an abortion. It there isn't anything they can do for the next 4 months and by then it will be too late..."

Now Ryan couldn't hold himself back anymore. He jumped up and started pacing through the room, his eyes never leaving the floor, his mind racing. How could she do this to him? How could she decide about life and death without even asking him? What about his feelings?

Marissa nervously shifted from one foot to the other, not knowing what she should do. What had Bernadette planned when she invited her over? Searching eye contact with Ryan she immediately noticed the hurt in his eyes and following her intuition she reached out, pulling him close, hugging him tightly while comfortingly stroking his back.

"It's ok Ryan..."

She was surprised when he didn't pull back immediately but returned her hug, burying his head in her shoulder. "Why is this happening to me? Why does everyone keep lying and abandoning me..." he murmured quietly.

Bernadette watched the couple silently, feeling a twitch in her heart. During the 11 years of her marriage she had always known, that there was another woman in her husband's heart. Of course he had never talked about Marissa, but judging from what Seth and Summer had told her and the stories she had heard from Sandy and Kirsten, she was soon to realise, that he was missing her, every time he'd see a picture of her in a magazine or a catch a glimpse of her on TV.

At first she was furious, ready to fight for the love of her life, but there was no way talking about it with Ryan. He went quiet immediately when the name Marissa was mentioned, not able to talk about the lost love with his wife.

Bernadette knew that Ryan loved her. The way he looked at her when she was feeding their daughter, the way they made love, the way they trusted each other completely. Over the years Bernadette forgot about Marissa, trying to focus on her life and her marriage.

But the instant she found out that she was going to die, she remembered. All her thoughts were focused on Ryan that moment. She loved him more than words can describe and she knew, seeing her die, losing the mother of his children, his wife, would bring back all his issues. And that's when she knew what to do. She had to get in contact with the model.

Bernadette talked to Summer about it and asked for her help. Summer was furious in the beginning, not understanding what she was doing. They had talked about the whole situation for hours without agreeing. Of course Summer had told everything to Seth and it took quite some time for Bernadette to convince him not to tell Ryan. But after hours of discussions, they finally agreed to help her and submit Marissa the letter without telling her who it was from.

After a few seconds Ryan released himself from Marissa's embrace and backed off, tugging his hands into his pockets.

"Marissa, could you please give us a minute?" he then asked in a calm voice, all emotions vanished from his face.

"Sure" she replied, before making her way out to the foyer, heading upstairs, looking for the girls.

"How long do you know?" Ryan finally asked, directly looking into his wife's eyes.

"Just a few weeks..." she replied, avoiding his penetrative glance.

"Weeks! You should've told me within hours!" he hissed before realising how much he was hurting her.

"I'm sorry darling... I'm just... I don't know what to say!" he apologised immediately.

"Then don't say anything, just hold me, please..." Bernadette answered, pleadingly looking at him, finally admitting that she was scared to death.

"I.. I don't know... if I can right now... I need some space... time to think about it..."

Sending her one last glance he opened the French window and walked outside, placing himself on a chair in the other end of the garden, overlooking the beach of Newport.


	3. Chapter 2

**Discl.: I still own nothing, duh... Thanks everyone for the reviews, butesp. kursk, JenJenxx and Leentje for the continued reviews!**

**Thanks Chuckie for beta-ing "hugs"**

**Chapter 2**

Before Bernadette had the time to hide herself in the bedroom to regain some power and self control, the door bell rang. Wiping away the tears from her face she opened the front door, ready to welcome their best friends.

"Hey Mrs. Atwood, here we are, we finally made it!" Seth exclaimed loudly, before Summer had a chance to comment on Bernadette's red eyes.

"And guess what? No, wait, don't, I'll tell you, ... We've got a surprise!" Seth rattled on, ignoring his wife's warning glance, dragging her and Benjamin past the door into the foyer.

Smiling wildly he opened his arms and announced: "We've invited the parents over! They'll be here in a few moments with the food."

"Ah, a famous order-in meal by Kirsten" Bernadette answered, pulling herself together and producing a slight smile. Slipping back to her role as host she hugged Seth and Summer, at least glad not to be alone with Ryan and Marissa tonight. Seth immediately left again to help his parents with the bags.

Taking Benjamin from Summer's arms she hugged the little boy tightly, running her hand through his black hair.

"How is my godson today?" she asked the baby, stroking his cheek lightly and kissing his forehead.

"How are you today?" Summer replied with a worried expression on her face.

"I'm ok... really... exhausted but ok" Bernadette answered, fighting back the tears that were again filling her eyes.

"Hey, it's ok honey..." Summer comforted her, pulling her into a hug.

"Awww... my two favourite daughters-in-law" they heard Sandy's voice and felt two strong arms embracing them. Summer immediately broke free and saved Benjamin out of Bernadette's arms before anything bad could happen.

"You look pale sweetheart, are you ok?" Kirsten asked Bernadette, following closely behind Sandy.

"Hey Sandy, Kirsten, it's good to have you here tonight" Bernadette answered, avoiding Kirsten's question.

"I'm no burro! Will you all please back off and let me bring the food to the kitchen - or I won't be responsible for what's gonna happen" Seth yelled jokingly, carrying three large bags of food.

Bernadette directed him to the kitchen and helped him place everything on the counter. To Kirsten and Sandy who had followed them into the kitchen she announced:

"The girls are upstairs, do you wanna go and say hi?"

The grandparents nodded and with one arm around each other the walked up the stairs to look for their oldest grandchildren.

"So, where's the master of the house, the oh-so-famous architect Atwood, my man Ryan?" Seth asked, trying to escape before the two women could give him some more work to do.

"Yes, Seth, I actually wanted to talk to you about Ryan..." Bernadette started in a calm voice.

"Is everything ok?" Seth interrupted her, immediately turning serious. Realising what he had just said he continued: "I mean.. I know it's not ok.. but is everything ok with Ryan?"

"I told him..." Bernadette whispered.

"Oh" Seth and Summer replied in unison, giving each other a worried glance.

"Is he here?" Seth then asked Bernadette softly.

"He's outside... He didn't wanna talk about it.. I think he's pretty upset" she answered, not able to hold back the tears any longer.

Summer silently embraced her once again, gesturing Seth to go looking for Ryan while she comforted her sister-in-law.

"Hey buddy" Seth softly greeted his foster brother while he sat down next to him.

"Hey man..." Ryan answered, not looking up.

"Tough day, huh?"

"She told you?"

"Actually we knew..." Seth confessed, giving Ryan an apologetic look.

"I really wanted to tell you but... but she insisted on following her plan..."

They sat in silence for a while before Seth continued:

"So how are you keeping up?"

"I...I don't know Seth, I really don't know what I feel..." Ryan started, angrily clenching his fists.

"I think I feel lost... All I wanted to do was to hold her, tell her that everything's going to be ok.. that we'll make it through together..." he stopped, taking a deep breath.

"But she lied to me Seth... she doesn't trust me enough to tell me that she's dying... she decides about her life or... death... without telling me one word! And a lot worse... she chooses a successor for me as my girlfriend/wife whatever... Don't you think that is sick? Did she every consider my feelings?"

Seth nodded silently before he replied:

"She did, believe me... When I talked with her, trying to convince her to tell you what's going on, she was desperate. She was convinced that you would hate her for leaving you... So she came up with the Marissa plan. I told her it's a stupid idea, but she didn't believe me. Over and over again she told me that you still have ...feelings for Marissa... She's scared, Ryan, scared of dying ...scared of leaving you alone with the kids... But not for one minute she considered an abortion. She knows that it would give her some more time with you, but there is no chance of healing, according to the doctors... Bernadette feels guilty you know, for not being able to hold on to you... So giving birth to your son is the last gift she wants to give you..."

Turning his head to look at Ryan Seth immediately realised that he was crying. Softly lying one arm around him he was reminded of the last time he had seen his best friend crying.

"Flashback"

"Right" Seth murmured somnolent when the knocking at his bedroom door grew louder. While crawling out of bed and shuffling to the door he silently cursed the person disturbing his so urgently needed sleep.

Rubbing his eyes he opened the door only to find Ryan standing outside, dressed in his Chino hooded sweatshirt, his eyes dark and desperate.

"Hey man, what's up?" Seth asked quietly, trying not to wake up the parents.

"Can we talk?"

Seth was surprised about Ryan's trembling, husky voice.

"Sure, it's" he took a look at his watch "3 am but hey, who needs sleep anyway?"

He draw aside to let Ryan enter before he softly closed the door, shuffling back to his bed and letting himself slip back under the covers with a sigh.

In the meantime Ryan had placed himself on Seth's only chair, burying his head in his hands. Not really sure what to do Seth decided to give Ryan some time.

"She's gone" Ryan finally told his brother, not looking up.

"Who is gone?" Seth asked confused.

"Marissa, I.. We had a fight, a... pretty bad fight actually... I lost her" Ryan stammered.

"You guys had fights before, you'll calm down, talk about it..."

"NO!" Ryan exclaimed, interrupting Seth, causing a puzzled expression on his face.

"This time it's different... She... she told me that she dropped out of college, that she got the offer to do some modelling... I told her to stop acting like a child and finish school first... I said some pretty mean things... I just... I couldn't tell her that ... that I don't want her to leave..."

Seth set up in bed and thought about it for a few seconds. But before he could say anything Ryan continued.

"I was mad ...because she had made this decision without talking to me... so she told me that she decides about her life, nobody else... So I told her that she might not need other people in her life then... She told me to stop looking after her, to live my own life and not to bother her anymore... in fact she told me to never talk to her again... "

"That's... that's pretty intense..." Seth answered shocked, trying to find the right words.

"What are you gonna do now?"

"I.. I don't know... I guess I have to give her time..." getting up Ryan walked over to Seth, placing himself on the edge of the bed, finally looking at his best friend.

"I love her, you know... I really do and I can't stand the idea of not talking to her ever again..." he confessed, finally letting the tears streaming down his face.

Seth was astonished, he had never before seen Ryan cry. He had always been the tougher one, the bad boy, not showing his emotions openly.

Without hesitation he reached out for his brother and placed his arm around his shoulder, squeezing it softly.

"It's gonna be ok..." he whispered.

"End of Flashback"


	4. Chapter 3

**_Disclaimer: you know the deal, I own nothing except my dirty little mind ;-)_**

**_Thanks J, Kursk, Liz and Leentje for the reviews, it is really appreciated!_**

**_Thanks to Chuckie for beta-ing_**

**Chapter 3**

Pushing the door open, Sandy and Kirsten entered Alyssa's bedroom together.

"Alyssa, Cassandra?" Kirsten asked when she couldn't see the two girls.

Spotting a woman on the balcony, Sandy guided his wife to the French window and they both stepped outside. They were greeted by the chatter of Alyssa and Cassandra who were sitting on the bench, laughing and pointing at a picture in the magazine they were reading.

When the grandparents appeared on the balcony they both turned their heads and then jumped up and ran over to them, Alyssa embracing Kirsten and Cassandra immediately clinging onto Sandy.

"Hey girls!" Sandy laughed, picking up Cassandra and pinching her cheek lightly.

Kirsten meanwhile runs her hand over Alyssa's dark blonde hair, tightly hugging her granddaughter.

They were interrupted when the woman at the balcony railing turned around and softly said:

"Hey Kirsten, Sandy..."

Both adults lifted their heads simultaneously, a puzzled expression on their faces. After a few seconds Kirsten suddenly clapped her hand together and called:

"Oh my God, Marissa, is it you?"

Marissa nodded smiling and walked over to them, greeting both with a hug.

"Long time no see! What are you doing here?" Sandy asked when finding back his voice.

"Well, that's a long story... Bernadette will tell you. How are you both doing?"

"Bernadette?" Sandy asked puzzled before answering: "We're doing fine, thanks. Kirsten quit working some time ago as Ryan took over her position at Newport Living. So we had some time to finally travel abroad, do what we wanted to do since the boys left home. And of course we try to spend as much time as possible with our grandchildren"

"How have you been?" Kirsten then asked, placing herself on the chair while the kids went back to their magazine.

"I've been doing great, thanks. I have been travelling a lot, working in Europe and Asia. But I'm actually thinking of cutting down. I haven't been home for ages..." her voice trailed off, her eyes wandering back to the two figures in the garden.

Sandy and Kirsten followed her glance and realised that it was Seth and Ryan sitting together on the grass, Seth's arm lying around Ryan's shoulder. Kirsten gave Sandy a worried look, slightly tilting her head, her eyes asking "Do you know what's wrong?". Sandy answered with a shrug, his eyes also expressing worry.

"Ok, why don't we head downstairs and help Summer and Bernadette with dinner?" Kirsten then suggested, already getting up and heading for the bedroom. She needed to know what was going on.

Sandy nodded and held out his hands to the two girls who got up, reaching out for their grandfather's hand, joining him on the way downstairs.

Marissa threw one last, worried glance over to the couple in the garden before she also hurried inside, making her way down to the kitchen.

When Sandy reached the kitchen with the two girls, Bernadette was setting the table with Kirsten, while Summer was breast-feeding Benjamin. Cassandra immediately broke free from her grandfather's hand, running over to her mum, excitingly asking her:

"Mum, mum, did you see who's here?"

Summer lifted her head, amused by the excitement of her daughter, when Marissa entered the kitchen, smiling wildly at the sight of Summer and the baby.

"Hey Summer, long time no see!"

"Oh my God Coop!" Summer yelled, watching her childhood friend walking over to her. Not able to get up as Benjamin was still hungry, she smiled happily at the model.

Marissa hugged her carefully while admiring the beautiful baby in her friend's arms.

"Gosh I missed you" Summer told her, happy to see Marissa again after what seemed an eternity. They started chatting about the long time they hadn't seen each other, while Kirsten and Bernadette continued preparing dinner. Sandy meanwhile had taken the girls to the living room, where they wanted to show him their latest playstation game.

Finally Benjamin seemed to have had enough and started yawning. Summer tenderly placed the baby over her shoulder for the burp.

Afterwards she walked over to the nearby stroller, placing her son inside, covering him with a small blanket. When she was sure that Benjamin was asleep, she walked back to Marissa and gave her a warm embrace.

"Do you know..." she asked her friend under her breath.

Marissa nodded without a word, worriedly looking at Summer.

"Gosh, it's so good to have you here..." Summer told her honestly, her eyes telling Marissa that she was worried too.

"Dinner's ready" Kirsten finally called, interrupting the girls in their playstation game and releasing Sandy from his constant failing to win against them.

The three of them joined Summer and Marissa on the way to the table, where they sat down, hungrily waiting for the food to be dished up.

"Who's gonna get the boys?" Kirsten asked Bernadette, who flinched visibly at the thought of her husband. As Summer and Marissa were in a deep conversation about childbirth and the girls were talking about their new record on beating Sandy, Kirsten glanced over to her husband, gesturing him to go outside and find out, what was going on.

Sandy got up again and walked past Kirsten and Bernadette, not without noticing how tense and pale his daughter-in-law was.

When he stepped outside, he took a deep breath, preparing himself for the upcoming confrontation. While walking over to his sons, Sandy tried to figure out what could have happened between Bernadette, Marissa and Ryan. He was sure that Bernadette's tension was somehow connected to Marissa. But why on earth would Bernadette invite Marissa over in the first place?

He clearly remembered his discussion with Ryan short after his son had met Bernadette. It was one year after Marissa had left and Sandy knew that Ryan was still hoping for her to come back, to get in contact with him after one year of complete silence.

So when he started dating Bernadette, Sandy was worried. Sure, he liked the girl, but he could see that Bernadette was in love with Ryan. And Ryan was too hurt to commit himself to another relationship with all his heart. So in Sandy's eyes, Ryan was using Bernadette to get over Marissa.

Being the parent and experienced with relationships, he expressed his worries to Ryan. Of course his son wasn't known to be very talkative, but Sandy managed to get a few things out of him. Ryan made him realise, that he loved Bernadette. Not like he had loved Marissa, but still enough for him to consider marrying her. He explained to Sandy that he would never be able to forget Marissa. She sure wasn't his first or last love, but she definitely was his soul mate. That was the last time Sandy tried to discuss relationships with Ryan and from then on, he accepted all his sons decisions in this regard.

Hearing someone walking up to them, Seth raised his head and looked at his dad. After a quick side glance at Ryan he stood up, turning around to warn Sandy with a look. Although he had been practising the non-verbal communication for the past few years, it was still not working and Sandy just threw him an amused glance, clueless about what his son wanted to tell him.

Ryan wiped away the last few tears, not wanting his foster dad to see him crying. Slowly raising he turned around, facing Sandy with a blank expression on his face, trying to hide his sorrow.

"Hi Sandy, good to see you" Ryan said, his voice deep but emotionless, pulling him into an embrace.

"Son, it's also good to see you" Sandy answered, very well knowing that Ryan was hiding something.

"So, do I have to guess or are you gonna tell me what is going on?" he addressed the dark blonde man in front of him.

Looking directly into Sandy's eyes, Ryan didn't fuss around but told him straight: "Bernadette has cancer".

Telling from the look on their dad's face, Seth and Ryan knew that this was worse than he had expected. They could see questions forming in Sandy's mind, questions that were never posed, as he stayed silent, wordlessly absorbing the news. Finally he laid his hand on Ryan's shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

"I'm so sorry son... We'll get through this, ok, there is nothing to worry, and there are treatments and..."

"It's too late..." Ryan interrupted him, his voice shaking, not able to continue, as he allowed his fear to surface.

"Bernadette's going to die dad, that's why Marissa is here. Bernadette wants Ryan and Marissa to get back together once... once she's gone..." Seth explained softly.

"But that's... that's ridiculous!" Sandy exclaimed upset, shaking his head in disbelieve. "What are you gonna do now?"

"One step after another... let's get it over with this dinner, we need to tell Kirsten. And we need to talk about this altogether; we will need your support during this time... I'll handle the Marissa story later..." Ryan announced, pulling himself together, vigorously heading to the kitchen, gesturing Sandy and Seth to follow him.


	5. Chapter 4

**_Discl.: I am ...eehhm own nothing_**

**_I am generous today, so here you go, another chapter on the same day! ;-)_**

**_Thanks again Chuckie for beta-ing!_**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Entering the kitchen Ryan found the girls chatting and Kirsten and Bernadette working silently. Catching an uncertain glance of Bernadette he went up to her, tenderly pulling her into a hug, stroking her back gently, making sure that she understood that he was here, giving her all support and strength she needed.

Bernadette wrapped her arms around her husband's waist, burying her head in his shoulder, leaning onto him with all her weight, sighing deeply. Ryan ran his hand through her hair, softly whispering.

"I'm here darling, I'm here now..."

Kirsten shot the couple a curious glance before she shifted her attention to Sandy and Seth who were now entering the kitchen.

"Ok, I'm officially starved, let's eat!" Sandy exclaimed, placing himself on the table.

"Mum, please sit down, I don't wanna see you near the microwave, there is food inside!" Seth told Kirsten on the way to the table, grinning wildly, before sitting down next to Summer. He took her hand gently in his and placed a quick kiss on her forehead, his eyes expressing thankfulness for his beautiful, healthy wife. Summer squeezed his hand quickly and smiled at him, her eyes full of love for the man next to her.

The moment between the two had not gone by unnoticed by Marissa. She felt a pit in her stomach as she often did, when she came across a happy couple. Observing the scene in the kitchen she sighed deeply to herself, trying hard to hide her jealously.

Sure, she always knew that Summer and Seth were meant for each other. Despite all their fighting and bickering, they loved each other from the bottom of their hearts. Like she had loved Ryan...

Over all the years she had spent living her life as far as possible away from Newport, but there wasn't a day she hadn't thought of him. After leaving him, the college and her family and friends behind, she was convinced she did the right thing. Marissa wanted to have her own life, make her own decisions... Yet she realised, how lonely she was. Yes, she was an independent, successful model... But there were no friends, no love.. Sometimes she would call her dad just to hear his voice, without talking to him though. When she left 12 years ago he was devastated. With nothing holding him back he left America and headed to Hailey who was still working in Japan. She hadn't heard from her mother in years.

The only friends she still had were Summer and Seth. Although they didn't see each other often, they talked a lot over the phone.

One year after her overnight run off Summer confessed her best friend that Ryan had a new girlfriend. For one whole week Marissa considered calling him. But finally she decided that he had moved on and that she couldn't just come back into his life and destroy everything.

So she stayed away. Summer informed her about the wedding, the daughter, and Ryan's success as an architect, basically on everything she wanted to know. Marissa knew that there has been a time when Summer had hoped that either herself or Ryan would make the first step, try to make up, allow them to go back to the 'fab four' they had been in high school. But after Ryan's wedding, Summer confessed Marissa that she liked Bernadette and that Ryan was happy. The model was convinced that she did the right thing, staying away from everyone, avoiding to again hurt the people she loved.

Now here she was, sitting in her ex-boyfriend's kitchen, feeling lost between all the happy couples and not sure, what exactly she was doing here.

"You need to talk to him" the voice of Seth interrupted her thoughts.

"Sorry... what?" Marissa shook her head slightly, trying to bring her mind back to the present.

"You need to talk to Ryan" Seth whispered, lowering his voice as Bernadette and Ryan made their way to the table, bringing the food.

Marissa nodded and exchanged a glance with Summer who smiled at her reassuringly.

During dinner the adults tried everything to distract the kids from the fact that something wasn't right. They chatted about school, friends and the babies. Of course Alyssa was excited to get a younger brother, although Cassandra kept telling her that it meant dirty nappies and sleepless nights. But Cassandra couldn't hide her smile when she talked about Benjamin, clearly happy and proud of her little brother.

When everyone had finished eating, Summer and Marissa started cleaning the kitchen, while Seth took the girls to the living room, starting one of their famous playstation tournaments. Bernadette had excused herself to lie down for a few minutes. Ryan followed her immediately while Sandy directed Kirsten outside, filling her in on Bernadette's condition.

"Can I get you something?" Ryan asked softly after he had quietly entered their bedroom.

Bernadette jumped slightly on the bed, not being aware of his presence.

"No thanks, I'm fine" she replied, not sure on how to act around her husband.

"I'm sorry for tonight... For inviting Marissa..." she started, her voice shaking.

"Don't..." Ryan interrupted her. "That's not what we must talk about now..."

Nodding silently Bernadette locked eyes with Ryan, waiting for him to come over to the bed, lying down next to her. She shyly grabbed for his hand and was relieved when he didn't pull away. Turning himself around so that he was laying on his side, he looked at his beautiful wife in front of him. Her dark, long hair was tied back in a ponytail, her blue eyes closed, her face expressing sadness and tiredness. Although her stomach was swollen by the size of their son, she still had a relatively slim figure. He had always admired her for losing the pregnancy-pounds of Alyssa within weeks, turning back into the stunning, well proportioned woman he had fallen in love with such a long time ago.

"I love you..." Ryan started softly.

Tears filled Bernadette's eyes while she listened to the husky voice of her husband.

"I have and will always love you, do you understand?"

When she nodded wordlessly he continued.

"I...I still... don't understand why you didn't tell me, but there's nothing we can do about it now... Just know that I would have never expected you to keep the baby... Cause I don't wanna lose you... But no matter what, I want you to know that I will be here for you; support you all the way through... I'll get in contact with the best doctors available, I'm not giving up, there must be something we can do!"

Placing a finger over his lips, Bernadette forced him to be quiet, listening to her trembling voice:

"Honey, I don't want any doctors... All I want is you..."

Moving closer Ryan gently embrace his wife, holding her close to his chest, feeling the warmth of her skin against his, listening to her steady heartbeat.

Bernadette buried her head in Ryan's chest, grateful for the safety and support his presence could give her. They lay silently on the bed for several minutes before the door was rushed open and a light brown head appeared, curiously looking at the two adults.

"Daddy! We need your help! Uncle Seth is beating us in playstation!" she exclaimed, running over to their parents.

Ryan let got of Bernadette and embraced his little daughter after she had climbed onto the bed.

"Is everything ok?" Alyssa asked suspiciously, when she felt the tension between Ryan and Bernadette.

"Sure honey, don't worry" Bernadette assured, running her hand down Alyssa's cheek, giving Ryan a warning glance.

Alyssa cuddled herself to her father's chest for a few seconds before she draw away, jumping off the bed, taking Ryan's hand and announcing: "Dad, are you coming now?"

Ryan smiled at the energy of his little angel and after a quick kiss on Bernadette's cheek he left the bedroom, obeying his daughter's will.

Bernadette got up slowly and changed clothes before she went back to the guests. She had no idea how to figure this all out, but she knew that she had to make the best out of her remaining time.

When she entered the living room she had to stifle a laugh at the sight of Seth and Summer fighting on the playstation against Marissa and Ryan. Meanwhile Cassandra and Alyssa were sitting on the floor, playing Jenga.

"Seth, what did you do!" Bernadette exclaimed, interrupting the adults, leaving them puzzled about her outburst.

"What?" Seth turned around, giving Bernadette a startled look.

"Jenga! In my house! That's probably the most boring game ever! Isn't it enough that I can't stop Alyssa from reading your comics?" Bernadette laughed, feeling all the pressure and the worries dropping from her shoulders.

"Graphic novels, my dear, I don't write comics!" Seth grinned, immediately understanding her intentions.

"But I love Jenga mummy" Alyssa told Bernadette offended, getting up and walking over to Seth, placing herself on his lap.

"Uncle Seth says that it's the only thing boys want to play with girls, so I wanna be really good at it!"

"Seth!" Ryan called, giving Seth a stern look.

"What! That's true, isn't it!" his brother laughed, winking at Summer. His wife's head turned visibly read and all the adults broke out in laughter.

Bernadette placed herself on the couch next to Ryan; resting her head on his should before she said:

"Ok, now that you are all back together I wanna hear some gossip and embarrassing stories of you all from high school!"

"I know a good one I have been waiting to hear all my life" Sandy told them, entering the living room with Kirsten. They sat down on the couch as well and were immediately joined by Cassandra and Alyssa who placed themselves on the lap of each grandparent.

"What story do you mean?" Summer asked curious.

"I vaguely remember an egg, a yard sale for charity, without a yard though, which turned out awfully strange..." Sandy stated, looking at everyone before turning his head towards Marissa.

"As I know that my son is not very familiar with words, you might wanna share?" Seth and Summer started giggling while Ryan's face showed embarrassment.

Marissa's head turned red, remembering the eventful charity auction.

"Well, Alyssa, have you ever heard of your uncle Trey?" she started with an amused undertone in her voice, telling the story to a very eager audience. The time quickly passed by and soon it was time for the kids to go to bed. Seth and Summer packed their stuff and said goodbye to Ryan and Bernadette, leaving with Sandy and Kirsten in tow.

"I should go home too..." Marissa began, looking at Ryan with an uncertain look in her eyes.

"Yeah, it's already late..." Ryan answered, avoiding her glance. Bernadette felt the tension between them and decided to force them into talking.

"I don't think you should go right now... I'm off to bed, I'm really tired, but you two have some catching up to do I guess..."

Hugging Marissa she kissed Ryan goodnight and went to bed, hoping the two of them could straighten out their issues.

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**_So will Marissa and Ryan have the talk? Keep reviewing, so I keep writing..._**


	6. Chapter 5

**Discl.: I own nothing except for the weird ideas in my mind… ;-)**

I know I'm late, and I'm terribly sorry, but my life got quite busy and I had some problems with my writing support (see below…). But the good news is, that I'm already about 3 chapters ahead, so you should get another one in one week at the latest – that in case you want to!

**Ok people, my beta reader backed out, so this new chapter is not beta-read… I'm still looking for someone who can help me out, as already told, my native language is not English, so I could really need some help here… this lovely person would get to read the chapters earlier "hint" so…. people willing to help, please contact me over email…**

**Thanks so much for the reviews JenJenxx, liz, J, Leentje, Mads, kursk and BK, you guys are amazing! I really wasn't sure about my story when I started it, but you're the reason I'm still writing!**

**Chapter 5**

"I need a drink, want one too?" Ryan asked after a few moments of awkward silence between himself and Marissa.

"You drink?" Marissa asked startled, remembering their fights during her teenage-drinking days.

"Sometimes..." Ryan answered, strolling to the bar in the living room, pouring himself a whiskey.

Marissa followed him slowly, placing herself on a bar stool. She shook her head no when Ryan gave her a questioning look, pointing at his drink.

"Sober since 10 years" she replied, smiling nervously.

"Good, good..."

An awkward silence followed again, neither of them sure what to say.

Ryan's mind was filled with questions he wanted to ask, things he wanted to know. How had she been? Did she get what she was hoping for when she left him? But overall, one question was bothering him most: Had she ever regretted her decision?

"I do think of you, you know..." Marissa finally broke the silence, searching for eye contact. Ryan held her gaze when he answered:

"I don't..."

The model flinched visibly at his answer, but still noticed that his eyes showed no anger, but pain and hurt.

"Don't get me wrong, I used to spend nights thinking of you, worrying, hoping you would come back... But after all the returned letters... unanswered phone calls... I decided to move on with my life... so I banned you from my mind, forbidding myself to ever think of you again..."

His voice was soft but she could still hear the bitter undertone, making her realise how much he must have been suffering from her departure.

"It was hard... Every time I saw you on TV, overheard Summer and Seth talking about you..."

Ryan broke their eye contact and walked away from the bar, placing himself on the couch. Marissa sighed and got up, following him again, sitting down next to him. He didn't move when she placed her hand on his thigh.

"I'm sorry for shutting you out of my life... but I do not regret taking the offer to work as a model Ryan... I needed to prove myself that I could manage my life without help... Finally feeling responsible for my own life... From the day I was born I was living after the decisions others made for me... I knew you wouldn't understand. You had been responsible for yourself since you were a kid. I felt lost, irresponsible and childish compared to you... So I decided to take matters into my own hands. You have no idea how hard it was leaving you behind, heartbroken, devastated. I missed you day and night, believe me..."

She quickly looked at the silent man next to her, trying to find out whether he was still listening. When she caught his glance she quickly smiled and continued:

"When Summer told me that you were getting married I was devastated to say the least. I pondered one week, trying to decided as to whether I should fly back to see you, to explain everything to you. But then I decided to move on. And believe me, it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I knew there was a chance that you would forgive me... possibly call off the marriage and we could be happy together again...But the chance was slim and since I know you very well I figured that you had moved on, you wouldn't marry a girl without being 150 sure... so fact is...I just couldn't bring myself to ruin your life again..."

Ryan got up and walked over to the bar, pouring himself another whiskey. Then he started pacing through the room, his gaze fixed on the floor.

"But now you're back..." he finally muttered.

"I didn't know the letter was from your wife, you must believe me..." Marissa told him softly but assertive. "But when I realised that Bernadette is your wife I just couldn't leave... I know it must sound stupid, but I really wanted to get in contact with you for such a long time, wanted to know how you have been...I... I just didn't have the self discipline to leave..."

When he didn't respond, Marissa realised that it was too soon for him to talk about his deepest feeling, he first needed time to think about what she had revealed. Nervously she began to check the room for anything interesting to talk about, when she saw the lonely picture of his daughter in the vitrine right in front of her.

"Alyssa is adorable" she told him, desperate to avoid another awkward silence between them.

Appreciating her effort to change the subject, Ryan still noticed the sad undertone in her voice and stopped pacing, intensively looking at her.

"She is adorable... She is my life... I never knew that I could love someone so unconditional, but when I held her in my arms the moment she was born, I knew that I would love her with all my heart for the rest of my life... I guess that's love only a parent experiences..."

Surprised about his own revelation, Ryan turned away from the woman in his living room and walked over to the fireplace, looking at Alyssa's drawings, gathering himself. Usually he only discussed his deep feelings towards his daughter with Bernadette, but it was obvious that there was still a strong connection between Marissa and himself and he wasn't sure whether it was good for him or bad.

With his back to the model he didn't see Marissa wiping off a tear from her face and taking a deep breath.

"Listen, I'm tired and we're not gonna sort out all issues tonight, so maybe we should meet for dinner tomorrow?" the dark blonde man then said while turning around, facing his teenage love.

"Yeah, sure..." Marissa answered, rising from the couch, uncertainly standing in the middle of the room. She then reached for her purse, took out a piece of paper and scribbled down her cell phone number.

Ryan walked over to the door and waited for her to catch up. She gave him the paper and he nodded, smiling slightly. Before he opened the door he lightly kissed her cheek, embracing her tenderly and whispering: "It was good to see you..."

"It was also good to see you" Marissa answered, smiling lightly, softly squeezing his arm. Then she turned around and left, a confused but good feeling in her stomach.

Climbing into her car she started the motor and drove towards the beach where her flat was located. After 10 minutes she arrived at home, parked her car in the garage and stepped into the elevator to reach the top floor. Marissa opened the door silently and placed her keys in the entrance hall on a commode. Turning on the light in the living room she smiled at the magazines laying around carelessly, the messy looking pillows on the couch and the dozen DVD's spread all over the floor. Her flat was rather large, having a living room, a large kitchen, two bathrooms and three bedrooms, one of them used as her office. The view over Newport was fantastic and she enjoyed being back every time she watched the sunset from her couch. Marissa had bought the flat some time ago, not with the intention to live in it, but as an investment and hide-out for hard times.

But when she decided to cut back from work she knew it would be best to move back home, where people didn't only know her as Marissa the supermodel, but as Marissa Cooper, the girl they went to school with.

She bent down and picked up the DVD's, placing them in the shelf right next to the TV. Then she picked up the magazines and stuffed them into the journal holder, before she neatly arranged the pillows on the couch. Turning off the light she silently walked to the room next to her bedroom and opened the door slowly, slipping inside. Walking up to the bed under the window she smiled happily at the sleeping boy and softly run her hand over his dark blonde hair. After a few minutes she sighed and left the room, giving her 12 year old son one last glance before closing the door.

**Ok, I'm not really sure about the last part, so please tell me what you think!**


	7. Chapter 6

**Discl.: as usual**

**Thanks tigercrystal, leentje, rainygal, madelyn, kursk, kym, newportbabe, megan and liz for the reviews, you have no idea what it means to me. I understand that not everyone was happy with my decision, but believe me, there is a plan behind it, just stick with me and you'll see ;-)**

**This chapter is more about theinformation, nothing extraordinary, the next one is gonna be more interesting I think, I hope to have it up tomorrow or on Thursday at the latest. Again not beta-read!**

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**Chapter 6**

"Sum, honey, where is my laptop?" Seth called fromhis office.

Summer took a deep breath in the kitchen, calming herself down before answering:

"Cohen, please! I can't take care of everything. If your laptop is not in your office it must be in the bedroom!"

Seth was about to leave for work and he was taking Cassandra with him. He would then pick up Alyssa and bring them both to Sandy and Kirsten. The adults had decided that it was best for the girls to stay with the grandparents for a few days until everything could be sorted out.

The girls were happy to spend some time at the Cohen's, knowing that both, Kirsten and Sandy, loved to spoil their grandchildren.

So Cassandra was running around the house, packing all her favourite magazines, dolls and DVD's into her little suitcase, excited about the trip with her best friend.

"Dad, dad!" Summer could hear her little girl cry in the nursery, but still she sat down and started to feed Benjamin.

"Sum!" Seth called from the bedroom, obviously still searching for his laptop, irritated by the fact that his daughter was yelling for him.

In the middle of this chaos the doorbell rang. The house went quiet for an instant, before Cassandra came running down the stairs, heading for the door, opening it and welcoming their guest. A few moments later Marissa's head appeared in the kitchen door, Cassandra right behind. She smiled sweetly at her childhood friend and hold up a bag, announcing: "I brought bagels".

"Hi Marissa!" Summer exclaimed, smiling wildly at her best friend. "Sorry, I'm a little occupied at the moment. I'll be with you soon, just…. serve yourself, ok?"

"Mummy, I need Daddy's help with my suitcase but I can't find him..." Cassandra whined impatiently next to Summer, gently running her hand over Benjamin's hair.

"I can help you" Marissa said, while bending down to bring herself in one line with Cassandra's eyes, stroking the little girls cheek lightly.

"Really?" Cassandra asked reluctantly, but when Summer nodded encouraging, she told the model: "Ok, I'll show you my nursery, come on."

Summer meanwhile finished feeding Benjamin and laid him down to sleep. She flinched when two strong arms reached out for her from behind, pulling her into an embrace. The black haired woman felt Seth's breath at her neck, kissing her tenderly.

"You ok?" he asked her in a low voice, pressing himself against her body, happy to feel his lively wife next to him.

"Yeah... Confused... Sad of course... How's Chino?" she answered, grateful for him holding her tight, giving her strength.

"Honestly? He says he's alright... but I know him better.. he's deeply disturbed and the only reason he keeps himself together is because of Alyssa. So I guess we have to take good care of him while the kids are at my parents, I fear he might lose it..."

Summer turned around, searching for Seth's eyes, wanting to know if he was serious. The sad glance in her husband's eyes confirmed her deepest fears.

"Marissa's here by the way, do you think she might be able to help him?"

"Depends if he's willing to let her help..."

"Daddy!" they suddenly heard Cassandra. Turning around they saw their black haired daughter enter the kitchen, running towards her parents. Marissa followed closely behind, carrying the girls suitcase.

Opening his arms, Seth picked up his little girl, swinging her around before pressing her tightly to his body. She put her arms around his neck, pressing her head deep into his shoulders.

"I'm gonna miss you Daddy" the 11 year old girl then whispered shyly.

"And I'm gonna miss you, princess sparkle" Seth replied, softly running his hand over her hair, lightly kissing her forehead.

After kissing Seth and Cassandra goodbye, Summer waved at the front door until the car couldn't be seen anymore. She then retreated back into the house, slowly walking into the kitchen where she found Marissa eating a bagel.

"Coop! I thought models don't eat?" she smiled cheekily at Marissa before she sat down at the table, sighing deeply.

Giving her quick glance, the model blushed and answered:

"Actually... I stopped working for the moment, I wanna take some time off, I'm tired of travelling... And ever since I've lived with the Cohen's for some time I can't stop myself from eating bagels!"

Summer smiled, remembering the turbulent times when Julie took off to Europe after her sex scandal.

"So, do you wanna have a guided tour through the house or did you see enough for now?" Summer asked, remembering that Marissa had never before been to their place. In fact, they hadn't really seen each other for several years. They were usually talking on the phone or writing letters, as both of their lives were quite busy with either the career or the housework.

"I'd rather sit her and talk a bit, we haven't seen us for ages! I was so surprised when I received your letter with Bernadette's letter attached. I knew you would never forward a fan's letter if it wasn't important, of course I never expected it to be from Ryan's wife..."

"Yeah, about that... I'm really sorry, it's just... Bernadette means a lot to me, she's my sister-in-law and we grew close over the years we have been married to the Cohen brothers and... I'd do anything for her now that... you know..."

"Oh Sum, I'm sorry I haven't been here for you" Marissa stated, a sad look in her eyes, before she hugged her childhood friend.

"So, what did you wanna talk about?" Seth's wife asked after a few moments of silence. Maybe she hadn't seen Marissa for a while, but she still knew her very well and had immediately realised that something serious was up.

"I need your advice..."

"Sure, what is it? Clothing problems, boyfriend troubles? Spill it Coop" Summer asked jokingly.

"Remember the time right after my split from Ryan?"

When Summer nodded, Marissa continued:

"As you know, you and me, we didn't see each other for quite some time as I was in this school, far away in New York. We only met again after 3 years when my career started to take off, right?"

Summer nodded again, giving her a confused glance.

"What do you wanna tell me Coop?"

"Well... I didn't actually go to this school right after I left... I went to live with Jimmy in Japan for about a year, before I enlisted in the school."

"But why?" Summer was getting more confused by the second.

Wordlessly Marissa took her purse and reached for her wallet. Pulling out a picture she gently run her hand over it, before she handed it over to Summer.

"Because of my son"

With a surprised expression on her face, Summer took the picture and took a look at it. Her eyes widened in shock before she whispered:

"Oh my God Marissa, he looks exactly like... Chino..."

**more to follow within the next two days...**


	8. Chapter 7

**Discl. I own nothing...**

**Thanks, thanks, thanks for the always appreciated reviews Leentje, JenJenxx, Rainygal, danhyde girl, 333 and kursk. Btw... kursk, you're so right, I fixed it in this chapter, thanks!

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**

**Chapter 7**

"Summer, please say something" Marissa begged after a few moments of complete silence.

Summer just shook her head, still staring at the picture of the dark blonde boy with the amazingly blue eyes, she was holding in her hand.

"This will send him over the edge..." finally the mother of two whispered, her voice trembling.

"So you don't think I should tell him?" Marissa asked weakly.

"Definitely not now... Gosh, I still can't believe it..." Summer seemed to wake up from her state of trance, looking directly at her best friend.

"How could you hide him for such a long time?" she then asked astonished.

"Well, after my fight with Ryan I couldn't go back, telling him I was expecting his child... So I went to live with Dad and Haley until my angel was born. A few months later I left for the model academy, leaving him in the custody of my Dad. I visited him as often as I could. When my career took off, he accompanied me around the world. Later I bought a flat for him in New York and employed a Nanny who took care of him when school started. That's where he has been living for the last few years... But now I wanna move back to Newport, I want him to go to Harbour..."

"But why?" Summer asked puzzled.

"It's… it's not so easy to explain… I just… I don't know how to handle him anymore" Marissa confessed.

"He had a hard time in New York. The kids made fun of him because his Nanny attended all the school festivals and stuff and no "real parents" were around. I had a few boyfriends but he didn't like any of them and he kept telling them - believe me He's a lot like his Dad I guess... Now he's about to become a teenager and…. We're fighting most of the time… He keeps asking questions about his Dad, why he was abandoned, why his father isn't interested in him… he even searched through my stuff to find out who his Dad is… I'm scared that he will find out and contact Ryan, so I really need to tell him, before anything happens…. …"

"Wow…" Summer stammered, pictures of a furious Ryan floating through her mind.

"Okay... I'm sorry Marissa but I need some time to process this news... and I need to talk to Seth... We're worried about Ryan at the moment anyway, so he can not learn about his son right now, there is too much trouble in his life...".

"Sure..." Marissa nodded understandingly.

Marissa didn't stay for much longer but said goodbye to Summer. Ryan had called her in the morning and cancelled their plans for dinner, as he was busy with his wife. She understood and didn't press him to do anything, she knew he needed time. So after her visit at Summer she headed home to pick up her boy for a day at the beach. She enjoyed finally having the time to spend more time with her son, to make up for all the times she hadn't been around, hoping they could bond and stop the fighting. But it did bother her that she wasn't able to tell him that they were close to his Dad, without being able to actually meet him.

Summer meanwhile paced through the house restlessly, trying to absorb all the recent events. When she had changed Benjamin's nappies and put him back to sleep she called Seth, hoping he'd know what to do. She told him that it was urgent and Seth was smart enough to understand that she was serious. They agreed to meet for lunch.

* * *

Summer was already sitting at the table in the beach restaurant with Benjamin playing on her lap, happily babbling ad smiling at the people around him, when Seth turned up. 

"Hey darling" he greeted his wife with a kiss on the cheek and quickly run his hand over Benjamin's hair before he sat down with a sigh, placing his laptop below the table.

"I took the afternoon off, it's such a lovely day and I think we should go over to the Atwood's and see if we can do anything. Ryan stayed at home today, I tried calling his office this morning."

"Yeah… I don't think we should go over, they're at the doctors, give them some time alone Seth..." Summer answered adding "they need it" under her breath.

"Ok… So... what did you wanna talk about?" Seth then asked, while smiling at his son who was laughing and clapping his little hands together.

"Marissa has a 12 year old son."

"Wow... that's.. surprising for a model with her figure" Seth joked, his gaze still fixed on Benjamin.

"Cohen!" Summer replied, giving him a stern glance.

"What! So she does have a child, she lived her own life, you can't expect her to supply you with a summary of her diary every month!"

"Seth... he's 12"

"Yeah, I heard. Where does he live? Maybe he can meet Cassandra, she seriously needs a boyfriend, I don't want her to become like me when I was a teenager - but actually - he's Marissa's son, I don't know if we can trust him."

Seth rambled on, his brain obviously working slower at this time of the day.

"Maybe if we knew the father, we could judge better if he'd be suitable for our little princess. Do you know who the father is? - Oh don't tell me! It's a gay designer who just wanted to experiment, right?"

He chuckled over his own joke before he turned his gaze to Summer who looked very pissed.

"Ok, I'll stop... so seriously, who is the -" Seth stopped when it hit him. He remained silent for a few moments before he asked:

"12 years old?"

Summer nodded, seeing that the he was finally on the right path.

"No way..." Seth gasped when he saw his wife's serious expression, her eyes full of worry.

"Holy Moses" he whispered, as the full weight of the news sunk in.

* * *

Sitting on the couch in the living room, Ryan had placed his arm around Bernadette and she was leaning her head to his shoulder, neither of them speaking but enjoying the presence of each other. It had been a busy day. They had visited some doctors after Alyssa left, trying to figure out what exactly could be done. 

Hearing for the first time from the doctor's mouth, that there was no hope left, even not with an abortion, Ryan felt helpless. He tried to stay calm, being strong for his wife, supporting her all the way through, but inside of him he was screaming. He was confused, angry and irritated about the thought that the woman he loved was again about to leave him. But he was even more angry at himself for not being able to forget Marissa.

Sure, he had been holding his wife's hand, talking to the doctors and listening to their advice, but his thoughts were constantly circling around his ex-girlfriend. Nobody knew, that when he started dating Bernadette, it was more an act of defiance. He needed to prove himself that there were other fish in the water. Unfortunately he forgot that another person's feelings were involved, which were likely to be hurt. He remembered how he had made sure that Summer informed Marissa about his new girlfriend. It was his only chance to see if she was coming back.

When she didn't react to the news at all, he knew for sure that she was lost - forever. On one hand he was thankful for the clean break they had now. He knew, he had to move on with life, she was never coming back to him. On the other hand it hurt - hurt the way he was hurting when Dawn left for good.

Bernadette was a lovely girl. He had really liked her from the start. She was loyal, caring and a very good listener, and it was obvious that she was in love with him. It wasn't hard for Ryan to figure out that he could grow to love her.

Although he felt guilty so many times for imagining Marissa standing in the kitchen when he got home or being close to call Bernadette with his ex-girlfriends name, he pulled himself together and managed to live the life of a happy married man and loving father without anyone knowing what he really felt on the inside.

But now that Bernadette was dying and Marissa was back, he felt his carefully built life tumbling down around him. Of course, it hurt to see Bernadette leaving. He loved her in a special way. She had been his best friend and partner for 11 years now and she had given him the most precious gift in the world - his daughter - for what he would be forever grateful for. Bernadette had been loyal and supportive through their marriage, always having his back, believing in him and helping him through the hard times he had when Kirsten asked him to take over the Newport Group. But never in all those years had he loved her the way she deserved it, the way he knew he still loved Marissa. The longer he was thinking about it, the clearer it became, that he needed to figure this out - alone.

When Bernadette stifled a yawn beside him, he gently squeezed her shoulder, forcing her to look at him. "You should go to bed sweetheart, it was a long day and you need all your strength right now" he softly told her, lightly running his hand down her cheek.

"You're right… I'll be off to bed then, you coming with me?" his wife replied tired, stretching her body.

"I have some work to do first, my assistant brought some files over this afternoon , I'll join you later, don't wait up, ok?"

"'kay…."

Ryan supported her to get up, before he tenderly kissed Bernadette goodnight. When she was gone, he waited a few minutes before he got up and walked over to his office, grabbed his training clothes and stepped into the bathroom to change. 10 minutes later he picked up his keys from the commode in the entrance and left without looking back.

**next update probably on Saturday or Sunday...**


	9. Chapter 8

**Discl. You know the drill**

**Once again thank you to my lovely reviewers Leentje, Kym, liz, Rainygal, JenJenxx, danhyde girl, J and kursk, from the bottom of my heart!**

**This chapter is quite long and I REALLY hope that you'll like it, cos I don't think it's something you'd expected…. Rated R for language

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**

**Chapter 8**

It was a quiet Tuesday evening. As it was the middle of summer break, many of the families had already left for their summer vacations.

Ryan directed his car to the beach, looking for a bar he knew. Years ago he had met an old friend from Chino who was now working in Newport. They had agreed to meet in this bar, just to talk about old times. It was located at the beach, near the pier and nobody would recognise him there, as this wasn't the usual place to hang out for his business partners.

After a few minutes he found the house he was looking for, parked his car in front of it and climbed out, deeply inhaling the fresh air.

Ryan knew that it certainly wasn't the right time to get wasted, but his mind was spinning, his emotions running free, now that he was finally alone. He felt like taking all his rage out on some garbage cans, destroying anything that came close to him, but he figured that drinking was a lot better in his age and position than becoming lunatic.

It was only 9 pm but he felt tired and he just didn't have the strength to stay at home and pretend that everything would turn out good, because he knew it wouldn't. His life was once again fucked up and he just didn't see a way out.

He walked over to the entrance of the bar and pushed the door open, but stopped when his cell phone started vibrating in his pocket. After a few moments of silent fighting against himself he flicked it open and answered it:

"Yeah?"

"Daddy?"

"Alyssa?" he replied surprised, immediately feeling guilty.

"I just wanted to say good-night. I called at home but nobody picked up…"

"Mummy is already asleep honey and I'm…. I'm out… Are you ok?"

"Yes, Cassandra and myself are having so much fun" she laughed before she added "I miss you and Mummy so much…."

"We miss you too sweetheart" he replied tenderly.

"Can I call you again tomorrow?"

"You can call me whenever you want, alright?"

"Thanks Daddy… Oh, granny is calling, we gotta got to bed, we're going to the zoo tomorrow and we must get up early, so we need some sleep" his daughter told Ryan all excited.

"That's great pumpkin, have fun then" he answered smiling.

"Good night Daddy, love you"

"Good night sweetie, love you too, bye bye"

He found himself staring at the display for some moments after Alyssa had already hung up. 'You can't do this man, you're not falling back to the Atwood habit, are you?' he kept telling himself over and over again. After a few seconds he made up his mind, went up to the bartender and ordered a bottle of scotch. Ryan paid and left the bar immediately, solitarily wandering down to the beach, nipping on his bottle.

Soon he found an abandoned deck chair on which he placed himself, staring over the ocean, again sipping from his scotch.

Placing the bottle in the sand, Ryan lent back on the chair, closing his eyes, feeling the fresh breeze blowing over his body. Just laying there, he asked himself why life always had to be complicated. He liked things better when there were two sides, like black and white, and he could chose one without regretting not having the other. 'Life is never black or white Ryan, life is what happens in the grey area' Seth's word popped into his mind.

"Don't you fucking understand!" suddenly someone yelled from some distance, disturbing Ryan's thoughts and forcing him to sit up, looking over to where the voices came from. Immediately catching sight of the circle of boys standing around a smaller boy at the pier, his parental instincts kicked in. Ryan got up with a sigh and started walking towards the group of teenagers, trying to eavesdrop as to what was going on.

"Freak! I will only tell you once more, get off your bike NOW!" a black haired guy, obviously the leader of the gang, screamed.

"Fuck off" the dark blonde boy in the middle of them replied in a dangerously low voice.

He slowly dismounted his bike, the look in his eyes expressing that he was ready to fight whoever had the nerve to claim it. A smile crept across Ryan's face, remembering the times he was facing such guys in his past. He had never been the one to avoid a fight until – well, until he actually found a reason to stay alive and out of problems.

"Hey, aren't you guys ashamed of yourselves! Six guys against one? Don't make me come over there" he yelled when he was still a few meters away, making the boys jump, exchanging uncertain glances.

"That's none of your business - Sir" the leader of the gang tried, but backed off immediately, making room for the adult to walk into the circle, facing him directly.

It didn't need any words from Ryan for them to understand that he was serious. Once the black haired boy dropped his gaze and started to walk away the others followed him slowly.

Ryan turned around and asked the boy with the bike: "You ok?"

"Yeah… I didn't need your help though, I could've dealt with them by myself" he replied defiantly, giving Ryan a provocative look.

"Of course" Ryan grinned, patting the young boys shoulder.

"I'm Ryan Atwood, by the way, and hey, try to stay away from them, kid, they're no good news."

"So I figured…. Thanks…. And ….I'm Colin"

"Nice to meet you Colin. It's already late, I think you should be home by now, can I take you somewhere?" the adult asked, glad for the distraction from his problems and feeling slightly responsible for this lost looking kid. The expression on Colin's face changed within an instant. His look became all distant, averting Ryan's eyes.

"I'm fine, I gotta go home... my mother is probably waiting for me" he muttered, re-climbing his bike. One thing Ryan had learned as a parent was to detect when children were lying. Suspecting that the boy was down at the pier without the knowledge of his Mum and judging by the reaction to his question, he figured that this kid was not easy to talk to.

"I haven't seen you around here, but maybe you know my daughter? She's 11 and goes to school in Newport…" he started, trying to find a good topic to talk about without sounding too eager to start a conversation.

"Actually… we've just moved here…"

"Really? Where do you come from?"

"New York…"

"Wow… guess that's a tough place to grow up?"

Colin gave him a strange look, his eyes expressing surprise and uncertainty.

"Guess it is… I really gotta go now Sir" the dark blonde boy repeated, avoiding to look at the adult.

"Come on, get off your bike, I have my car over there, I insist on bringing you home. You're new here and probably won't find the way back to where you live in the dark".

Immediately catching the haunted look in the boy's eyes, Ryan could tell by Colin's reaction that he was pushing too hard.

Out of the blue, Sandy's words crossed his mind:

"Ryan, you had this desperate, 'piss-off' look in your eyes when I first met you, but somehow we connected and - I just couldn't give up on you…."

At this very moment, standing at the pier, talking to this boy, Ryan finally understood what Sandy meant. He had never seen that boy before, but he knew that look in his eyes and it broke his heart, making him realise that he had to do something – even if it was just walking him home without talking.

"Listen Colin, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. But I can't let you stay here in the middle of the night. So do you live far away from here?"

"No, down there" the boy pointed with his finger down the beach to a new housing estate.

"Ok, I'll walk with you if that's ok"

"Whatever" Colin shrugged, starting to walk north, pushing his bike beside him.

They walked in silence for a few minutes before Colin said:

"Do you often drink?"

Ryan gave the boy a surprised look, feeling the guilt creeping back into his system.

"No… usually I don't… why?

"It doesn't help, you know…." Colin answered, his voice bitter.

"How old are you Colin?"

"12"

"You come across a lot older…." Ryan replied, giving the boy a small smile.

"I know that drinking doesn't help, believe me, but there are times when… well I guess I just… I just wanted to feel numb, to NOT feel anything, do you understand that?"

Colin nodded, his gaze fixed on the sand they were walking on.

"Life's a bitch" he finally muttered.

"I think I'll need to have a word with your Dad, if you're planning on going to school here, I don't want my daughter to talk like this" Ryan grinned, keeping himself from tousling the boy's hair, remembering how he hated to be touched by strange people when he was in Colin's age.

"If you find that fucking bastard, I hope he's…" Colin hissed, his eyes turning dark.

"Watch your language, kid" Ryan harshly interrupted, before any more colourful expressions could follow.

They again walked in silence, neither of them in the mood to really talk about their problems. Soon Colin directed them to a new building close to the beach.

"I live over there, I can go by myself now" he told the adult, pointing at the house.

"I actually wanna see the inside of this building, I remember it from the time when I designed it, but I wonder how it looks furnished" Ryan told Colin, not wanting to give the boy the chance to disappear again.

"You an architect?" Colin asked, his voice not hiding his suppressed disappointment.

"That's what I studied... I'm the head of the Newport Group"

"Really?" the boy answered surprised, giving to the man next to him a head to toe, obviously surprised about his strange dressing habits. When an idea crossed his mind, his face suddenly lit up and his eyes started to sparkle. Eagerly he asked Ryan:

"Do you know Seth Cohen then? The graphic artist? I love everything of him! I got all his novels from my Mum, he's soooo cool and I'd love to meet him once. I even did a presentation about him at school, so I know that his mother owned the Newport Group. Do you know him?" Colin spluttered all excited.

"Wow, I didn't know you could actually talk in whole phrases" Ryan grinned.

"I do know Seth, he's my brother" he continued, still smiling about the fact that Seth's name could lighten up the moods of kids all over the country.

"Seriously?" Colin exclaimed excited, before his face fell and he said:

"You're kidding me, you told me your name is Atwood..."

"Well, Seth is my foster brother, I was adopted by the Cohen's."

"Oh right! Now I remember…. That means…. YOU are Kid Chino!" Colin exclaimed awestruck.

"Ha ha ha! You could say so yes" Ryan laughed, remembering their high school days when they were writing on Seth's first graphic novel.

They had arrived at the building and Colin chained his bike to a stack in the garage, before he pressed the button for the lift to arrive. Climbing in, the boy rattled on, suddenly not so tight-lipped anymore, explaining that Kid Chino is his all time favourite character out of all of Seth's novel, and making clear, that he had read all of them. Finally they reached the top floor.

Before Colin could reach for his keys and open the door to the apartment, Ryan interrupted him:

"Listen Colin, I think you're save now and I trust you not to run away again" the architect started, taking out his wallet and handing the boy his card.

"I really gotta go now, but if you ever need anything or just someone to talk to, call me, ok?"

Colin took the card, nodding wordlessly, then turned around and was just about to unlock the door when he shyly muttered:

"Thanks..."

"No problem kid" Ryan answered, before stepping into the lift, slightly smiling to himself.

When Ryan reached his parked car he knew it was time for him to go home. He couldn't just disappear without telling Bernadette where he was. Of course he still needed time to figure this mess out, but things with Marissa could wait, he needed to think of his wife now.

Climbing into his car, Ryan started the engine and turned on the radio, sighing deeply, driving back to his house. Bernadette didn't react when he slipped into bed, but he couldn't resist taking her into his arms, feeling her body next to him.

* * *

** So... what do you think? Next update probably Tuesday or Wednesday...**


	10. Chapter 9

**Discl. still own nothing, and still not beta read, which will stay this way as long as nobody complains**

**A big, sincere thank you to all my lovely, loyal reviewers! All readers can thank JenJenxx, kurks, Leentje, J, roxylover330, Kym, maddy-sparkles, Rainygal and purse-fanatic for the early update!**

**This chapter is mainly for fun, I just love writing Seth/Ryan time, sorry! More excitement will follow in the next one... **

**

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Chapter 9**

The music was playing on full blast when Ryan entered the kitchen in the morning. Bernadette was sitting at the counter, pancakes, bacon and bagels placed in front of her. As soon as she spotted her husband she turned down the volume of the stereo, a smile flashing over her face.

"Good morning darling" Ryan muttered, surprised about her happy mood. He really wasn't a morning person and neither was she, so it was special that she was already up.

"Good morning" Bernadette replied, lifting up her plate and offering him some of her pancakes.

"No thanks, I think I stick to my cereals" Ryan answered, smiling slightly and grabbing the box out of the cabinet.

"Mandy called regarding the conference this weekend. She told me that everything is booked, but that you need to come to the office today for the last arrangements and instructions to the personnel."

"I don't think it's a good idea to attend this conference with... you know" the dark blonde man explained, his eyes avoiding Bernadette.

"Ryan, look at me" his wife ordered softly, waiting for his gaze to meet hers.

"I'm fine, really... There will be times when you can worry, but that's not now. You have responsibilities at the company and I don't want you to destroy your hard work over the worry of my health, ok?"

"But I don't want you to stay home alone" Ryan replied agitated.

"So I will stay with the Cohen's for the weekend, nothing we haven't done before, honey" Bernadette replied calmly, taking another bite of her pancake.

Ryan wasn't at all interested in this boring conference with everything that was on his mind at the moment. But he also knew that he was lost arguing with his wife, once she had made up her mind. So he agreed to go to the office today, hoping that he could come up with a suitable solution there.

* * *

"Good morning Mr. Atwood" Mandy called cheery when he opened the door to his secretary's office.

"Morning Mandy" Ryan replied depressed, his mood not changing a bit.

"I hope you enjoyed your extended weekend! I piled all the mail on your desk. John brought some sketches over which you must approve, he needs them before you leave today."

"Thanks. Could you please tell Mark to come to my office at 11am, I need him to go to the conference this weekend – and could you please change the hotel and flight bookings accordingly?"

"Of course" Mandy answered surprised, giving Ryan a strange glance.

"Is everything ok, Sir?" she added, her eyes expressing worry.

Ryan just nodded wordlessly, flashed Mandy a fake smile and entered his office, closing the door behind himself with a sigh.

Sitting down on his office chair, he called Mandy over intercom, announcing that he didn't wanna be disturbed for the next hour, before he buried his head in his hand, trying to shut out the whole world around him.

An instant later the door was suddenly ripped open, Seth's voice calling loud and clearly:

"Thanks Mandy, I can handle it!"

Lifting up his head, Ryan observed his brother entering the office, grinning wildly, shooting him an innocent glance.

"Morning buddy" Seth exclaimed, while placing himself on the visitor chair vis-à-vis of Ryan.

With a sigh, Ryan let his head fall back to the place between his hands, mumbling "go away Seth".

"Yeah see, that's exactly what I can't do, because then it would have been totally.. and I mean totally... unnecessary for me to come over in the first place" Seth explained, ignoring Ryan's stare of death.

"What did you come over for?" Ryan muttered into the desk plate, too tired to lift his head.

"I know, talking to a wooden plate might be relaxing, but seeing as your brother is sitting right in front of you, you might wanna forget your little 'making peace with the furniture' moment and talk to me instead."

Ryan looked up, giving Seth another one of his looks, before he told him:

"I'm really not in the mood Seth..."

"Exactly what we expected when Bernadette phoned this morning, asking if she could stay with us while you are away. So my little vixen and myself made up a plan."

"What plan?" Ryan asked confused, raising his eyebrow suspiciously.

"You don't wanna go to his conference this weekend, do you?"

"I wasn't planing to..."

"See, I knew it. But I think you need a break, and before you break down and run away in the middle of the night, we thought it would be best to arrange a brotherly weekend at the beach. We won't leave town in case of an... emergency, we'll be close, but with no kids, no wives, no work, how does that sound?"

"How 'bout no talking?" Ryan questioned his foster brother ironically, but secretly admitting that this plan was exactly what he needed.

"No, sorry, can't promise that" Seth grinned, waiting for his best friend's answer.

"Ok, ok, I'm in - if Bernadette agrees"

"Cool, so I'll pick you up on Friday around 6pm, Summer will organise the rest. And don't bother to disturb your wife, she already agreed."

Getting up and walking over to the door, Seth turned around again, ready to add something when Ryan quickly stopped him:

"One word about Tijuana and you'll be going alone"

Seth gave him an apologising grin, closed his mouth theatrically and left the office, calling: "See you on Friday 'bro!"

* * *

"I'm sorry sweetie but I have this very important show this weekend, so I won't be able to go to the convention with you..." Marissa told her son guiltily.

"I thought you take a break from work?" Colin replied angrily.

"I do honey, I do... It's just... I have contracts..." the model tried to explain, but was somehow lost for words at the look of her son staring at her, his eyes full of hurt and rejection.

Pulling herself together she tried another strategy: "How can I make it up to you?"

"How about telling me the name of my Dad" Colin stubbornly told her, folding his arms over his chest.

"Honey please, not this discussion again!" Marissa cried out in exasperation, throwing her arms into the air.

"Why doesn't he want to know me?" Colin quietly asked, his eyes filling with tears.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm sure he wants to know you - it's just... you have to give me some time, I promise I will arrange a meeting, just not now..." Marissa bent down, taking her son into a warm embrace, softly stroking his back.

After a while Colin calmed down and pulled out of the embrace, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand.

"Are you gonna be alright this weekend alone with Mary?" Marissa asked worried.

Colin nodded, swallowing the sarcastic reply he had prepared, not in the mood for another fight with his mum. Marissa tenderly kissed his forehead, lightly tousling his hair, before she turned around and walked into her bedroom, starting to pack her suitcase.

Colin meanwhile disappeared into his bedroom, picked up his phone, while fishing for the business card he was hiding under his mattress. Nervously he dialled the number, pacing up and down his room.

"Atwood?" finally a voice could be heard.

"Mr. Atwood? This is Colin..." the boy shyly answered.

"Oh, hi Colin, how are you?" Ryan replied, surprised about the call.

"I'm fine, how are you Sir?" Colin answered politely.

"You can call me Ryan, Colin" the adult smiled, trying to ease the tension.

"Ok... Ryan"

"So, what's up?" Ryan asked after a few moments of silence between them.

"I... I will be at the pier this weekend... and... I was wondering... if I... if you will be there too"

"Actually..." the architect started, but stopped himself, remembering his plans for the weekend.

"Oh..." Colin replied disappointed, "I understand, never mind"

"No Colin, wait! I will be at the pier if you can tell me when" Ryan quickly told the boy, before he had a chance to hang up.

"Ok…uhhmmm…. Saturday at noon..."

"Right, I will be there" Ryan answered, scribbling down the time, date and Colin's name to a note in order not to forget.

"Promise?"

"I promise Colin"

"Ok, see you then... Ryan... bye!" Colin told his new best friend happily.

"Bye Colin, see you on Saturday" Ryan replied, smiling softly to himself.

"I'm sorry for the interruption, but I had to take that call" Ryan apologised to Mark, who was sitting opposite him.

"No problem" Mark replied with a friendly smile.

It took Ryan only half an hour to update Mark on the conference he had to attend, representing the Newport Group.

When Mark had left, the architect was again sitting alone in his office, pondering about the fact that he had agreed to meet Colin, while he promised Seth to spend the weekend with him. He knew that his foster brother would be more than angry, but something in the voice of Colin had told him, not to neglect the boy. Although Ryan knew that Colin came from a rich family, judging from the place they were living at and the clothes he was dressed in, he had recognised the look in Colin's eyes, his pleading voice cutting right into Ryan's heart.

He wanted to know why Colin was hurting, find out what went wrong in his young life to make him bitter. Sure, Colin appeared way older than he actually was, but Ryan knew, that there was a boy inside, wanting to be loved and respected. Despite all his own problems, he knew that he would be forever grateful for the love and safety he gained, when the Cohen's took him into their family. So by helping Colin, it felt like repaying the debt.

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**A/N: Next update probably on Friday, as an open-air weekend lays ahead, yay! And I'll be getting a new PC on Thursday, so hopefully I'll be faster in writing which means faster updates for you!**


	11. Chapter 10

**Discl. O.C. and all the characters belong to Josh...**

**As usual, thank you, thank you, thank you to all my loyal readers for the reviews! Leentje, pandog91, uscrocks, PrincessOats42, I-Believe-in-the-Butterflies (J), kursk, Kym, Rainygal, Maddysparkles, the-OC-roxmysox, you guys rock!**

**Maddy, I couldn't really follow your plan, as the next chapter is already written, but thanks for the suggestion!**

**A/N: the reason Ryan doesn't recognise himself in Colin, is, that in my opinion, you can only recognise something that you know exists. Don't get what I mean? Ryan has NO idea, that he has a son, so he would never see the similarities and conclude that Colin's family. Also I guess that Alyssa looks completely different, as she has a different mother, so no recognition there as well. In the end, I think it's always way harder to see yourself in a kid than for others to see it, as they just know your look better, unless you spend all your days in front of a mirror...

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**Chapter 10**

Pushing the door to their hotel room open, Seth nearly stumbled over his own feet, before he fully entered the room, placing his suitcase on the floor and letting himself plop onto the bed.

Ryan followed closely behind, only carrying a rucksack, smiling slightly at the sight of his foster brother.

"Seth, again, what the hell did you pack for this weekend!" he asked, picking up the suitcase to estimate the weight, slightly shaking his head in disbelieve, before sitting down on a chair.

"Ryan buddy, I see you have never been to a men-weekend before" Seth started, but was interrupted by Ryan.

"Have you?"

"Actually… no! But I've read books and I brought everything we could possibly need!"

"What's that?"

"Well…" Seth picked up his heavy suitcase and placed it on the bed, giving his face the best effort to show that it was indeed heavy, before he opened it with a drum roll.

"We've got a play station, with a few games we haven't played since… since you moved out of the pool house, let's say for old times sake. Then….. we've got tons of comics, mostly written by myself, as I know that you didn't have the time to read them when you were busy with the Newport Group and your family, so I thought it was time to do some catching up… " he turned around, grinned at Ryan and reached for some hidden magazines below his boxer shorts.

"We've also got some journals for men, just in case" he continued, winking at his brother.

"Seth, we know each other for 16 years now, but you still manage to freak me out" Ryan replied smirking, getting up and walking over to the bar.

"Well, that's a talent I'm utterly proud of" Seth answered laughing.

While he mixed himself a Malibu, Ryan told Seth:

"Listen, I've got this meeting tomorrow at noon at the pier and I'd like you to join me."

"WHAT! I thought we agreed to the 'no work' term! I don't believe it man, this is our weekend and I certainly don't wanna spend it with some business guys who bore the death out of me!"

"Seth, don't wack out…."

"Don't wack out? You know that I'm not good in these business things, that's why I have a partner who manages the boring stuff for me, and why the sudden shall I be at a meeting concerning the Newport Group, that's totally your –"

"SETH!" Ryan interrupted, rising his voice just a little to drown Seth's rambling.

"I'm meeting a kid" he continued, when Seth stopped, angrily looking at him.

"A – what now?"

"A kid… I met him at the pier the other day and…. Well, I have the feeling he needs someone to talk to and I couldn't just leave him hanging, it looks as if there is no father around, something every teenager should have. I told him to call me whenever he needed to talk and - he did. So would you please calm down and join me tomorrow?"

Seth remained silent for a few seconds before he answered:

"I don't know man, he probably wants to talk to you privately and you know me, I'm not very good with teenagers, they freaked me out when I was one and not much has changed…"

"Seth, you've got one at home!"

"That's not the same, she's a girl!" Seth replied, trying very hard to hide his disappointment over the fact that Ryan would abandon him and his carefully arranged weekend for some boy he had just met.

"Seth, he adores you. He knows all your comics and it's his biggest wish to meet you" Ryan answered, well aware of the fact that his brother was pissed at him, but playing out his trump.

"He does?" the adult with the black, curly hair replied, surprised and obviously flattered, though still trying to express anger, but knowing very well that Ryan could see right through him.

"Well…then of course it's different… I'll always have time to meet a fan…"

"Thanks buddy, I owe you one… So, let's get this play station running, I haven't beaten you in a while."

* * *

They had been playing all night long, talking about the past, their wives and kids, but not touching the "hot" topic. Seth tried everything to make Ryan at ease, get his mind off the problems at home and obviously it was working out.

When Ryan woke up the next morning, it was already 11pm and Seth was still snoring in his bed, his abandoned blanket laying on the floor. The architect smiled to himself, silently getting up, dressing into a casual jeans and a shirt, before pushing open the door and heading for the dining room.

It didn't take long until Seth joined his foster brother, yawning loudly.

"Slept well?" he asked, while placing himself on the opposite of Ryan.

"Yes, surprisingly well!" the man with the sandy hair answered, folding the paper he was reading.

"What about you?"

"I was cold all night, guess I missed Summer next to me" Seth explained, grabbing himself a bagel and waving the waitress to serve him some coffee.

"I guess you rather missed your blanket that you kept tossing to the floor" Ryan grinned, taking a sip of his coffee.

"You're probably right there 'bro" Seth smirked, inspecting Ryan's eyes to find out how his brother was feeling today.

"So..." he finally said, lowering his glance when he realised that he had been staring at Ryan for some time. "You're gonna meet this kid - what's his name by the way? - at what, noon? Do you want me to join you right away or to step in later as the big, unexpected, eagerly awaited surprise?"

"His name is Colin, and yes, I'd like you to join us later, in case he wants to talk first."

"Cool, I'm gonna hang at the beach then, haven't hit the waves for ages" Seth replied, his mind wandering back to the time, when his Dad had finally managed to get him into surfing.

Taking a look at his watch, Ryan got up, saying:

"Ok, I'm off to the pier then, it'd be great if you could turn up around 1.30 pm."

"Sure buddy, see ya then"

Ryan nodded and left, heading to their room to grab his wallet, sunglasses and one of Seth's comics before jumping into the waiting taxi.

* * *

Sitting on a bench, overlooking the ocean, Ryan couldn't stop himself from thinking about what was to happen when this weekend was over. He knew that soon they'd have to tell Alyssa about her mum's condition, a moment he already dreaded, the thought of it making him physically sick. Ryan loved his daughter more than himself. He knew what it meant to be left unloved and abandoned by his parents. The day Bernadette told him that she was pregnant, he swore to himself, to never leave or disappoint his kids, never let them experience what he had gone through. But now with Bernadette dying, Ryan felt lost. How could he ever possibly replace their mum? A single tear ran down his cheek when he realised what Bernadette would be missing out. She would never see her daughter graduate, falling in love, getting married or have children of her own. Alyssa would not have her mother's support during the next few years of teenage drama and growing up, how should he deal with that?

"Are you ok?" suddenly a quiet voice interrupted his thoughts.

Ryan flinched, instantly wiping away his tear and turning around to see who was standing behind him.

"Oh, hi Colin, I'm ok, don't worry" he told the boy, taking a deep breath, trying to regain some control over himself.

Colin walked around the bench and placed himself next to the architect, his eyes meeting Ryan's eyes, saying:

"Please don't lie to me..."

"That was not a lie Colin... Well, technically yes, but... I don't wanna depress you" the adult answered honestly, trying very hard to get a grip. He didn't wanna bother the kid with his problems.

"My mum always says, a problem shared is a problem halved."

"I think I heard that one before" Ryan answered, trying to smile. "But it's personal, I don't want to burden you."

"I have seen you drinking, don't you think that bothers me more than knowing the reason for it?"

Ryan raised his hands in defeat, shaking his head at the boy's wit.

"You're probably right...Well...I was trying to decide how I should tell my daughter that her mum has cancer and will die" he finally revealed.

"... I'm sorry..." Colin answered, his voice expressing shock and sympathy. Nobody spoke for a few moments until the boy continued: "Show her, that you are here for her..."

"But how? How can I possibly replace her mother?" Ryan asked broken-hearted, again feeling tears welling up in his eyes.

"You can't... Like my mum has never tried to replace my Dad. She just showed and told me, that she will always be here for me, no matter what."

Nodding, Ryan was again amazed at how grown up this boy already was. He felt like Colin could see right through his eyes into his soul, feeling what he was feeling.

"How come you're so smart?" the adult tried to joke, unconsciously rubbing his eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to steady himself.

"Mum says that's something I inherited from my Dad, her side of the family is selfish and at odds with each other" Colin smiled, softly squeezing Ryan's arm.

"And family is all that matters in the end..." the boy added, his gaze wandering over the ocean, a sad undertone in his voice.

"How come you don't know your father?" Ryan asked, now fully concentrating on the boy next to him.

"Mum says it's complicated..." Colin answered sardonically.

"Well, sometimes life really is complicated. Maybe she tries to protect you?"

"I get the feeling that she rather wants to protect herself " the boy with the blue eyes pointed out, sighing deeply.

"Hey come on, she can't be that bad! And believe me, sometimes you don't need a biological dad" Ryan continued, placing his arm around the boy, comfortingly stroking his back.

"Do you consider Mr. Cohen your dad?" Colin asked interested, curiosity in his eyes.

"Definitely…. I have never told him, but I hardly ever think of my biological parents anymore…" the adult explained, his eyes narrowing at the thought of Mr. and Mrs. Atwood.

"I wish…. I wish I was adopted by a really cool dad…." the boy told Ryan, adding "like you" under his breath, but the architect still heard it.

"Maybe your Dad is not so bad at all, I wouldn't judge before you meet him" Ryan said, trying to avoid the topic he felt coming up.

"If I will ever meet him…." Colin replied sadly.

"I could do some research, you know? Only if you want to of course... I have a few connections… What can you tell me about your family?"

"Well... first of all, my full name is…."

"Surprise!"

The two figures on the bench jumped at the sound of a voice behind them. They turned around simultaneously, looking at Seth who was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Seth... you're early" Ryan smiled, getting up and pulling his brother into an embrace, glad to have him around after the recent emotional roller coaster ride.

Seth blinked surprised, but sensed that Ryan was agitated, a very uncommon state for his foster brother, who usually was capable of fully hiding his emotions. So he just comfortingly patted Ryan's shoulder, showing him that back-up was here.

Colin, in the meantime, had jumped off the bench and was standing in front of the two brothers, his mouth wide open, his eyes expressing shock.

"You... you're... Seth Cohen!" he finally gasped, hardly keeping himself from pointing at the graphic artist.

Ryan let go of Seth and turned around, smiling at the shocked expression in Colin's face.

"Yeah, Colin, that's my surprise for you. Please meet the one and only - Seth Cohen."

The adult with the black, curly hair grinned, stepped up to the boy, inspecting his biggest fan from head to toe and was just about to say something when the recognition hit him. He inhaled deeply, his eyes widening in shock.

"Seth, that's Colin... Uhm, what's your family name again? Why don't you introduce yourself?" Ryan said, trying to break the tension that was suddenly filling the air.

"Hi Mr. Cohen, I'm Colin - "

"COLIN, what a cool name!" Seth yelled, drowning Colin's voice, pulling the boy closer to him, patting his shoulders. He then turned around to face his foster brother, nervously babbling: "Ryan buddy, could you please get us something to drink? You know, margaritas or something - no, bad idea, underage and stuff... maybe ice tea or a coke? Just something bubbly? 'Cos I feel so excited and I really need to sit down with... Colin and talk a bit about - me, you know?"

"What's up with you?" Ryan asked suspiciously, suspecting that Seth had finally gone completely mental.

"I'm ok, we're ok, everything's fine, isn't it!" Seth exclaimed, shifting from one foot to another, nervously trying to find a good excuse for his strange behaviour. "I'm just guessing that you two have been talking for ages and that you must be thirsty! And I always get thirsty when I talk a lot and - who knows better than you - I can talk hours about myself!"

With narrowed eyes Ryan nodded, completely confused at the sudden outbreak of his best friend, but still he obeyed and left to find something to drink.

Seth took a deep breath and turned around to the boy who was standing behind him, his blue eyes expressing confusion and irritation.

"So Colin, let me guess... your full name is Colin Cooper, right?" the adult then said, while placing himself on the bench with a sigh.

"Yes... that's actually right..." Colin answered, possibly looking even more confused.

"How do you know?"

"Colin, I'm a genius... and I'm totally screwed" Seth replied vacantly, more talking to himself than the boy.

* * *

**Openair weekend here I come! Snoop Dogg! He he he! I will be away the entire weekend, so next update either Monday or Tuesday, expect some drama, guys!**

**(Btw... don't know what open air means? It's an event which starts Friday and ends on Sunday evening. It's camping with a weekend full of Music, usually around 30 bands... And of course lots of things only adult people should do, he he he)**


	12. Chapter 11

**Discl. I own nothing than my hangover  
****  
To all my lovely reviewers: Please don't hate Seth! He only has good intentions! Anyway, thanks again Leentje, Liz, I-Believe-In-The-Butterflies, GalootMaster, Kym, Maddy-sparkles, purse-fanatic, rainygal, the-oc-roxmysox, you make my day!**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

"What's the matter?" Colin asked after a few moments of silence.

"Your mother is crazy, kid" Seth answered sighing, directly looking at the boy beside him.

"What?"

"Don't worry Colin, I know Marissa... You could say I am one of her oldest friends, so I guess I may call her a fool if she's acting like one."

"Where do you know my mum from, Mr. Cohen?"

"Oh please, call me Seth, Mr. Cohen is my Dad" the graphic artist laughed, slowly regaining self control and his humour.

"Actually... Me and my wife went to school with Marissa... long time ago..." Seth suddenly shuddered when an idea crossed his mind.

"Oh boy, I just realised that Julie Cooper Nichol is your grand-mother!"

"She is... but I barely see her, I don't really like her"

"Good boy, you're definitely your Dad's son" Seth grinned, before realising what he had just said.

"YOU KNOW MY DAD?" Colin nearly screamed in shock.

"Oh my... Seth, just shut up..." the adult rebuked himself, his mind racing, trying to find a way out of this mess.

"Colin, listen... I may know Marissa but I don't exactly know who your father is" Seth lied, desperately looking at the excited boy next to him, trying to find out if he was believing him.

"Please, calm down, ok? Can you do me a big favour? Please don't tell Ryan what we just talked about, not your name or who your mum is, he's got enough problems already and I don't want him to worry too much. I promise I'll find your Dad, but you gotta give me some time, alright?"

Colin nodded, his eyes sparkling, amazed by his luck. He was sitting next to his idol, the man he had been adoring since he was little, who now revealed that he knew his mum and by any chance even his Dad. Colin knew that he would promise anything, if in return he would find out who his Dad is. Although he had never met Seth before, he trusted him completely, like he had trusted Ryan right from the start.

"So, let's talk comics, shall we?" the graphic artist continued, when he was sure that Colin would keep their little secret to himself.

When Ryan returned, the two comic addicts were already in a deep conversation about the latest Superman edition, hardly being aware of the fact that Ryan brought drinks.

The adult was happy to see that Seth had found back to his normal self, babbling and rambling about his favourite topic. Colin looked completely amazed and relaxed, being able to talk about his opinion and thoughts with someone who was at least as fascinated about graphic novels as was he.

The three of them talked for two hours, spending nearly half of the day on that bench. At 4 pm Colin got a call from his Nanny, telling him to come home for dinner. He left with Seth's phone number and a pile of Seth Cohen novels, all signed by the master himself.

* * *

Walking back to the hotel, Seth knew it was time to face the topic the two of them had been avoiding.

"So... how are you buddy?" he asked softly, trying to find out if Ryan was in the mood to talk.

"Honestly?" his brother answered, glancing over the ocean as they were wandering along the beach.

When he didn't continue, Seth quietly told him:

"Honestly... I know it's hard to talk about it Ryan, but you can't let it eat you from the inside."

"I know Seth, I know... I think I kinda had a break down before you joined us today... It's weird, but I feel this connection with Colin. He can see right through me and we understand each other without much talking... "

"What happened?"

"I was thinking about Alyssa... how I could never replace Bernadette, she needs a mother to grow up Seth..."

"What about Marissa?" Seth asked, knowing that he was skating on thin ice.

Ryan sighed, his body stiffening, his gaze fixed on the sand.

"What about her?"

"I don't know man, you tell me... Do you want her in your life again?"

"That's not the point at the moment Seth! Bernadette is still alive! And she's my wife for God's sake! I didn't marry her for pity, I married her because I love her, she's the mother of my kid and I'm not giving up on her that easily, you understand?" Ryan hissed, his voice husky and dangerous.

"I'm sorry Ryan..." Seth replied, raising his hands in defeat.

"You know I love Bernadette and I understand that this situation is shit, but Marissa didn't know about Bernadette when she received the letter, she definitely didn't come back to ruin your marriage or your life, and all she wants now is to see if you could still be friends..." Seth tried again.

"Would you trust her?" Ryan asked, looking at his brother.

"I... I... I've never known Marissa as good as you have, but I believe that she had her reasons to leave and I think it was hard enough for her to return, so... maybe she deserves another chance" the black haired adult carefully said. He knew very well that he was in a difficult situation. Knowing, that his brother was about to lose his wife and trying to understand what this meant for him, he still had to praise Marissa, since he knew about Colin. Seth guessed that it would probably be Alyssa and Colin who could save Ryan from going crazy once Bernadette was gone. What he didn't know was, how Marissa would fit in, as Ryan was at the moment clearly not ready to trust her again.

The dark blonde man nodded silently, absorbing what Seth had just said.

"For years I have been praying for her to come back... It's not that I hate having her in my life again, I just have to take it very slow... I can't trust her anymore..."

"Listen Ryan, whatever happens, you know that myself and Summer, as well as Mum and Dad, will always be here for you, no matter what. You won't be standing alone with two kids, ok?"

"Thanks Seth..."

"No problem man, we're family, right?"

"And that's all that matters in the end..." Ryan repeated what Colin had told him today.

"Exactly! So let's get back to the hotel and grab something to eat. By the way, this Colin kid is amazing, I love him!" Seth laughed, trying to lighten up the mood.

"You only love him because he adores you... so technically... you love yourself"

"Tell me something new" the graphic artist smirked.

"At least you can joke about it now that you're all 'mature'... Ryan grinned sarcastically, lightly pushing the black haired adult into the side, glad for the distraction and for having his brother on his side.

* * *

When they arrived at the hotel, Seth excused himself, pretending to look for something at the store. As soon as Ryan was out of sight, Seth grabbed his mobile and dialled his home number.

"Yes?"

"Summer, honey it's me" he whispered.

"Cohen! Why are you whispering?"

"I don't want Ryan to hear... considering that he's not even around and I'm standing in the middle of a store with all the people staring at me, it maybe wasn't such a good idea" he rambled.

"SETH! Darling calm, what's going on?" Summer called, close to losing her temper.

"Well, Ryan befriended this boy the other day at the pier. He thinks he has some connection to him, wants to help him. So we met the boy today, he's a big fan of me, by the way, he's so cool, he knows all my novels, even the one I wrote under a pseudonym and..."

"Point, Cohen!" his wife interrupted.

"Oh, yeah, right... Anyway, I met him today and let me tell you, I was shocked when I first saw him. He has dark blond hair, is rather tall for his age, but the most special thing were those eyes... I've only seen one person with such eyes in my life. Remember the picture Ryan once showed us of the time when he still went to school? Colin looks exactly the same!"

"Oh my God! Are you telling me Chino befriended his own son!"

"Yep, Colin Cooper... I told Colin that I know Marissa and that I'll help him find his Dad, 'cos he has no idea who it could be. We're lucky he hasn't figured it out yet, he's damn smart for his age... I asked him not to tell Ryan anything and I think he understood, as he knows about Ryan's situation. What are we gonna do now?"

Summer stayed quiet for a few seconds, trying to absorb the news she had just heard.

"Honey? Still there?" Seth finally asked.

"Yes, sorry... I'm speechless, the second time this week..."

"I know how you feel"

"I highly doubt that" Summer replied unamused, taking a deep breath.

"Hey! Well ... actually you are right..."

"Ok, Seth, this is what we know: When Ryan finds out about his son by himself in his momentarily state, he's gonna be so pissed and hurt that it will put him over the edge... But if Marissa told him about Colin, he might be able to start thinking about another relationship with her... of course it will take a while with Bernadette sick and everything, but I can see hope there. Marissa on the other side hasn't had a proper relationship since Ryan and as she told me, she still loves him. So what would make more sense than bringing those five people together as one family? Nothing! Except that the three adults involved managed the make a mess out of their lives and left it up to us to clear it out..."

"Darling... I don't wanna disturb you but now you're rambling..."

"I'm not! I'm stating the facts!"

"Oh, ok" Seth replied, knowing better than to disagree with Summer when she was close to a rage blackout.

"So... we gotta make sure that Marissa tells Ryan the truth... in the meantime, we must protect Ryan from finding out the truth by himself. I want you to spend some time with Colin. You promised him to find his Dad, so do anything to make it look like you're searching, but destroy every evidence you can find that points to Ryan... This whole story is a mess and it's in our responsibility to do the best we can to let it have a happy end. Understood?"

"Yes, M'am" Seth replied, not joking at all, but understanding the difficulty of the situation.

"So, I'm gonna take care of Ryan and you... talk to Marissa tomorrow" Seth continued.

"Sounds like a plan... ok, have a good night... and Seth...I Love you"

"Love you too Mrs. Vixen" the man with the dark, curly hair told his wife, before ending the call, thoughtfully walking back to their room, trying to figure out how to bring Ryan and Marissa back together.

* * *

"SETH! Wake up man, pick up your phone!" Ryan grumbled loudly, glancing at his watch, after Seth's cell phone had been constantly ringing for 5 minutes.

When Seth didn't move, he grabbed the pocketbook which was laying on his night stand and threw it onto the bed next to him, trying to wake his brother up.

"Ouch! Hey! What the fuck!" Seth cried out when the book hit him right on the chest.

"Phone. 3am! Pick-up!" Ryan explained, taking his pillow and placing it's over his head, trying to ignore the annoying ringing.

"Oh... right..." Seth mumbled, opening the cell phone and saying:

"You better be Stan Lee..."

"Shut up Cohen!" Summer answered, her voice full of fear, sobs escaping from her mouth.

Immediately Seth was fully awake. Sitting up in bed he felt sweat building on his hands.

"Summer? Honey, what's wrong?"

Now Ryan was alerted too, immediately jumping out of bed, walking over to Seth and placing himself next to him, he nervously glanced at his foster brother, fearful of what was going on.

"It's Bernadette... we're at the Newport County hospital... it doesn't... it doesn't look good... the baby..." Summer cried, fully losing control over herself.

"We'll be there in a few minutes, hold on darling, everything will be fine..."

"I'll drive" was all Ryan said, his face pale and his voice husky and quiet.

"I'll call Mum and Dad to bring the kids..." Seth told him, his face white, a shocked expression in his eyes. They silently got dressed, both of them thinking the same - would they make it in time?

* * *

**A/N: I'm not finished with the next chapter, it's kinda difficult to write (esp. with a hangover), so next update probably Wednesday or Thursday... Don't hang me if you get it later, though**


	13. Chapter 12

**Discl. Josh & Co. own everything related to the O.C.**

**Since I have received some lovely reviews from you guys, I decided to release the new chapter a little bit earlier than planned, my thanks go to liz, Leentje, J, Kym, The-OC-roxmysox, maddysparkles, kursk, deuce628, Rainygal, malibubarbie253**

This is going to be a very emotional chapter. If you need a soundtrack to this one, try "A lack of color" from Death Cab for Cutie. I only listened to this one song when writing this chapter…

* * *

**Chapter 12**

The Newport County Hospital was located in the middle of town, approx. 15 mins away from the beach hotel Ryan and Seth were staying at.

20 minutes after the phone call the two brothers walked into the entrance hall, nervously looking around to find Summer.

"Miss! Can you help us? We're here for Mrs. Atwood?" Ryan breathlessly asked the receptionist.

"Are you family?"

"I'm her husband" Ryan answered irritated.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you Mr. Atwood" the girl replied, glancing at Ryan's casual clothes.

"Mrs. Atwood is in the emergency room, please follow me."

She escorted them to another wing of the building, before pushing open a door, showing them Summer who was solemnly sitting on a chair, holding Benjamin in her arms, rocking forth and back.

"Sum!" Seth exclaimed, running over and pulling her into an embrace, comfortingly stroking her back, whispering: "It's ok, we're here now..."

Ryan thanked the nurse and entered the room as well, nervously pacing up and down, waiting for Summer to tell what was wrong, what had happened.

She only needed a few seconds to recover before she pulled away, sadly looking at her husband, before turning to her brother-in-law.

"Ryan, the doctors are with her right now. We were watching TV when she suddenly got cramps. First we believed that it's just a normal pregnancy side effect, but when it got worse I called the ambulance. They didn't tell me anything yet, but... she... she... was bleeding... so much blood..." she stammered, shutting her eyes at the thought of the ride with the ambulance.

Seth tenderly kissed her forehead, running his hand down her cheek and leading her back to the chair, making her sit down to relax. He then walked up to Ryan, placing his hand on his shoulder, softly saying: "Ryan, let's go looking for a doctor."

When a sob escaped Summer's lips, Seth glanced over to her, feeling slightly torn, as he didn't know who needed him more right now.

He was released by the entering of Kirsten and Sandy, two dozy grandchildren in tow.

Kirsten immediately pulled Ryan into an embrace, kissing his cheek lightly, running her hand through his hair, soothing: "It's gonna be ok honey..."

Sandy meanwhile had placed the kids next to Summer, who was trying to gather herself, getting a grip, now that the children had arrived.

When Ryan pulled out of Kirsten's embrace he flinched at his daughter's voice:

"Daddy? Where is mummy? I'm scared..."

He turned around, facing his little angel, who was sitting next to Cassandra, holding her Teddy bear close to her little body, her eyes wide and scared. It was breaking his heart just to look at her. Ryan walked up to his little girl and lightly picked her up, hugging her tightly, leaning her head onto his shoulder. Giving Seth a glance and a nod, he walked out, looking for a room where he could be alone with Alyssa.

He soon found a little empty office, only a desk and a few chairs in it, in one of which he placed his daughter, kneeling down in front of her.

"Alyssa, angel... I'm so sorry you have to find out like this..." he started, clearing his voice before he continued.

"Mummy is sick Alyssa... very sick... The doctors believe... "

Ryan stopped when his voice broke, his eyes filling with tears, not able to say the inevitable.

"She is going to be ok, right?" finally his little girl pleaded, her face pale and her eyes widened in shock, wanting her Dad to tell her that everything was going to be alright, that this was just a nightmare they were all stuck in.

Shaking his head, Ryan pulled her close, running his hand through her hair, stroking her back softly.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart, so sorry..." he soothed, finally letting the tears stream down his face.

They cried together for a few minutes until Alyssa released herself from her Dad's hug, first wiping away her tears, before directly looking at Ryan, her little hands wiping away his tears, telling him:

"We can do this Daddy... we need to be strong now for Mummy... together we can do this..."

"I love you so much my little angel" Ryan replied, amazed at the strength of his daughter, slowly getting up, holding out his hand. Alyssa jumped off the chair, took Ryan's hand and together they walked over to the waiting room to face the rest of the family.

* * *

Everyone looked up when Ryan and his daughter entered, a sad expression on their faces. Alyssa let go of her father's hand and walked over to Cassandra, sitting down next to her. Her best friend tenderly laid an arm around her, leaning her head against Alyssa's.

Sandy meanwhile hugged his son wordlessly, knowing that there was nothing he could say to soothe the pain Ryan felt.

Finally doctor Hanson arrived, his face expressing worry and pity. He walked directly over to Ryan, shaking his hand, waiting for the others to gather around him, staying in the opposite corner of the room so that the kids wouldn't hear what was going on.

"What happened?" Ryan asked calmly.

"Something we didn't expect... In simple words, your wife's body rejected the baby in order to protect itself, to gather all strength required to fight the cancer."

Ryan flinched visibly at the doctors words and Sandy comfortingly placed his arm around him, giving Seth a glance.

Kirsten covered her mouth with her hand, trying very hard to stay calm and suppress the sobs she knew were about to come out. Both women were close to tears, not believing what they heard.

"Are they...?" Ryan finally wanted to know, his voice trembling.

"The baby is ok, but very weak, it's on the ward for premature infants. But we're positive that if he is going to survive this day, he'll make it through..."

"And Bernadette?" Kirsten asked, when she saw that Ryan wasn't able to speak anymore.

"She's on the ICU. She's in no pain now, but I'm afraid... there is nothing left we can do... I'm so sorry..."

Everyone gulped, not able to look at Ryan who was holding his breath, obviously too shocked to control his own body functions. It took a few moments for the adults to recover from what they had heard. Seth finally found his voice back and asked:

"Can we see her?"

"Of course, but max. 2 persons at once..." Dr. Hanson answered, giving them all a sympathetic glance before he left the room.

Sandy turned Ryan around, grabbing his shoulders, shaking him gently.

"Ryan? Do you hear me? You gotta breathe! Come on, slowly in and out" he softly but firmly told his foster son.

Waking up from his trance, Ryan inhaled deeply, stony-faced turning around to look at his daughter who was peacefully sleeping arm in arm with Cassandra. Giving Kirsten and Sandy a glance, Ryan walked over to her, softly shaking her awake.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry to wake you, but I thought you would like to see Mummy?"

"Ok" Alyssa drowsy answered, yawning silently before standing up and grabbing her Dad's hand, following him out of the waiting room.

As soon as Ryan and Alyssa had left the room, all the adults inhaled deeply, their facade breaking down. Sandy hugged Kirsten tightly while she was crying on his shoulder. Summer and Seth were sitting next to each other, Summer holding Benjamin while Seth had Cassandra on his lap, hugging her. Sobs were escaping Summer's mouth while she held the little boy close to her body, thinking of Bernadette who had just given birth to her own son, whom she probably would never be able to feed.

Nobody was speaking, but everyone was silently thinking about the family that was breaking apart this very moment, neither of them fully able to understand what it meant for the persons involved.

After a few minutes Sandy gently wiped Kirsten's tears away, whispering:

"We gotta be strong for them, honey, please"

"I know! I know... but it's so damn unfair!" Kirsten replied upset, replacing her sadness with rage, rage against God, or who ever was responsible for her son's tragedy.

Taking another deep breath, Kirsten pulled herself together, looking over to Summer and Seth who were in about the same state. Sitting down next to Seth's family, Kirsten and Sandy tried to prepare themselves for the meeting with Bernadette, which they knew would probably be the last.

"Mum, Dad?" suddenly Seth interrupted his parents thoughts, helplessly looking at them.

Sandy glanced over to his son, seeing the pain in his eyes, fully understanding what Seth wanted to ask.

"I don't know son, I really don't know..." he answered the unspoken question.

Seth got up and gently placed the tired Cassandra on Kirsten's lap, pacing up and down the room, until Summer told him:

"Seth, please!"

The adult with the curly, black hair stopped and looked at his wife, nodding absently, mumbling: "Sorry... Anybody hungry, thirsty?

Nobody answered but Seth still needed to do something, so he gently asked Sandy:

"Dad, could you please help me get some coffees?"

The lawyer got up and followed his son outside, looking for a coffee machine. They didn't speak until they had found a little kiosk on which they bought 5 cups of coffee and some candy.

On the way back Seth finally asked:

"Dad? Tell me about the time when the Nana died..."

Sandy just nodded, thinking about Seth's question before he answered:

"It was different. The Nana was already old and she had beaten the cancer, so she died of age. There was no anger, nor helplessness, just family that was sad that she had to go. With Bernadette's it's different... It's unfair and we don't want to believe that it's really happening.. We wanna scream and fume at someone, blaming anybody for taking her away from us, but there is no one to blame. All we can do is accept fate and try to show her, how much we love her..."

"But how will I ever be able to look at Ryan again without feeling guilty for having a happy, intact family?"

"Seth!" turning around to face his son directly, Sandy firmly explained:

"This is not about you! Ryan doesn't need your guilt, and I highly doubt that he will ever envy your luck. What he needs is your support and your understanding."

Walking in silence back to the waiting room, the two Cohen's were in deep thoughts about the future. Both knew that it wasn't going to be easy, but also understanding that Ryan needed them more than ever before.

* * *

Only the noises of the life supporting devices greeted Ryan and Alyssa when they, hand in hand, walked into Bernadette's room. Ryan softly picked his daughter up and placed her on the bed next to Bernadette, before walking around the bed and sitting down on chair on the other side.

He reached out for his wife's hand and gently squeezed it, wanting her to know that they were here. Bernadette stirred a little, before slowly opening her eyes.

"Hey darling" Ryan softly whispered, his other hand touching her cheek lightly.

"Hey" Bernadette answered, her voice hoarse.

Alyssa carefully adjusted herself on the bed, laying down close to Bernadette's body, placing her head on her mum's shoulder.

Bernadette weakly raised her hand, gently running it through her daughter's hair, smiling softly.

"Please don't leave us alone..." Alyssa whispered, placing her arm around Bernadette, trying to hold her as close as possible.

"I'm so ... sorry sweetheart..." the woman managed to say, her breathing flat and unstable.

"Dad... Daddy will... take...good care... of you..."

"But I need you" Alyssa pleaded, tears welling up in her eyes, starting to stream down her face.

"Shhh... don't... cry... pumpkin..." Bernadette helplessly replied, softly kissing her forehead, continuing to comfortingly run her hand through her daughter's hair.

"What will I do without you?" Ryan finally said, his eyes also full of unshed tears.

"Don't...mourn... I ...want...you...to...be...happy"

Ryan could see that Bernadette got weaker by the minute and he feared, that the others would have not time to say goodbye. So he turned his head and softly told the nurse:

"Could you please get the rest of the family, they're in the waiting hall..."

"But Dr. Hanson..." the nurse interjected, stopping when she saw Ryan's look, instantly disappearing to the waiting room.

"I love you so much" Ryan softly told his wife, laying down next to her, gently placing his arm around her, so that she could rest her head on his shoulder, watching his gathered family laying peacefully in one bed. Overwhelmed by the sadness he bent down and tenderly kissed his wife, not able to hold his tears back any longer.

"I...love...you...too... you...two...are...my...everything..." suddenly Bernadette seemed to remember her baby and frantically looked at her stomach, asking:

"Our...son?"

Ryan gulped slightly, knowing that he would only upset her by telling her the truth. So he answered tenderly:

"He's ok, don't worry..."

A happy smile appeared on the dying woman's face, her eyes regaining some sparkles.

Silently Seth entered the room with Cassandra on his hand, Summer with Benjamin and Kirsten with Sandy right behind.

"Hey" Seth said for all of them, while they formed a semicircle around the bed.

"Hey..." Bernadette replied tired. Closing her eyes for a while she felt her strength fading, now that she knew that her boy was ok and all the people she loved were gathered around her.

"I... love...you...all...so...much..." she forced herself to say, her voice getting lower.

"Thank...you...for... taking...me...into...your...family..."

"Mummy..." Alyssa whimpered, her eyes wide open and scared, desperately moving closer to her mum's body, trying to hold her as tight as possible.

"I'll... always...watch...over...you" Bernadette started, looking at her daughter, her eyes full of love. Looking up, her eyes met Ryan's eyes, a single tear running down her cheeks.

"Over... all... of...you"

"Please don't go..." Alyssa whispered, expressing what all of them wanted to say.

"Don't...forget...me..." Bernadette pleaded, taking one last breath, her eyes once again meeting the eyes of her husband.

"Never" Ryan replied, bending down and softly kissing her, feeling her dying in his arms.

* * *

**A/N: I'm no doctor, so I'm sorry if the reason Bernadette died didn't make any sense, but I don't think that's what matters. Anyway, please be kind with me, this chapter was rather personal. I wasn't there when my godmother died, and this chapter was my making up for it, kinda what I hoped it could have been. Writing saves from the shrink I guess…**


	14. Chapter 13

**Discl. I don't own anything related to the O.C.**

**Thank you so much guys for the many reviews! I hope you'll all stick with me after the next chapter… it's getting dark… My thanks go to Leentje, DeCeu628, MalibuBarbie253, Rainygal, I-Believe-in-the-Butterflies (J), Megan, GalootMaster, liz, Purse-fanatic, Maddy-sparkles, kursk, and tigercrystal, you guys are the best!**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

Everyone felt numb when they stepped out of Bernadette's room, too upset and tired to exactly realise what just had happened, too exhausted to cry.

Dr. Hanson informed Ryan, that there were some formalities he had to take care of, but that he later could see his son for a few minutes. Seth, Summer and the kids meanwhile decided to go home and get some sleep, knowing that busy days were coming up.

Sandy and Kirsten offered to stay with Ryan and Alyssa, driving them home when Ryan was finished with the bureaucracy stuff.

Alyssa never left her father's side, always either holding his hand or leaning on to him when he was sitting and writing. They didn't speak, but both of them knew, that they needed each other desperately, that their constant contact kept them from breaking apart.

The sun was already rising when Dr. Hanson finally allowed them to see their new family member for a few minutes. The little boy was laying in a small bed, machines all around, supporting his lunges as they were not fully developed, not allowing the baby to breathe by himself. It was breaking Ryan's heart to see his son suffering. Silent tears were running down Alyssa's cheek, not believing that this little human being behind the glass wall was her brother she had been longing to cuddle, to take care of, since she knew that her mum was pregnant.

Ryan silently pulled his daughter closer, running his hand through her hair, showing her that he was thinking the same.

After a few minutes the two of them left the premature infant ward, searching for Kirsten and Sandy, explaining that they were ready to leave.

Nobody spoke on the way home. Kirsten and Sandy thought about the funeral service they had to take care of, while Ryan was not able to forget the face of his dead wife, the little body of his son, fighting to survive.

Arriving at the Atwood mansion, the adults climbed out of the car, unsure of how to express their feelings. Finally Kirsten hugged Ryan, whispering:

"I'm so sorry love... You know where to find us, ok?"

Ryan nodded, releasing himself from Kirsten's embrace, thankfully glancing at her. Sandy was next, hugging his son tight, showing him that they were here to support him whenever he needed them.

The dark blonde man then carefully reached for his sleeping daughter, picked her up and carried her into the house, gently laying her down in her bed. Taking off her clothes, he dressed her in a pyjama he found in the closet, before covering her up with a blanket, tenderly kissing her forehead. Sitting down in a chair next to the bed, he observed his sleeping daughter. Ryan was tired, but there was no way he was able to sleep with all the images in his head, the pain and the feeling of abandonment and loneliness in his heart.

* * *

Waking up by the smell of coffee in his nose, Ryan slowly opened his eyes, confused as to where he was, before remembering the events of last night. The adult moved in his chair, realising that he must have dozen off in Alyssa's room. Looking over to his daughter's bed he saw that it was empty, but figuring from the noises he heard in the kitchen he guessed that she was up, obviously preparing something to eat. A glance at the watch informed him that it was noon.

Getting up he stretched his stiff body, re-animating his aching body parts, before making his way down to the ground floor.

"Good morning" Ryan softly greeted Alyssa, who was standing at the cooker, watching the bacon in the fry pan.

"Good morning" Alyssa replied, her red, puffy eyes meeting her father's.

Ryan silently pulled her into a hug, needing to feel her warm, lively body close to him. His heart was once again breaking at the sight of his daughter. Would his love for her be enough to let them get through this?

"Is there anything I can do?" he finally asked, placing himself at the counter.

The question was very vague, but Alyssa understood, able to communicate with her Dad without many words.

"Please don't leave me alone..." the girl answered, gulping slightly, sadly watching her bacon frizzling in the pan.

"I promise..." Ryan answered quietly, knowing that she wasn't talking about today, nor about the next few weeks, but also knowing that he promised something he probably wouldn't be able to keep. He sighed, not fully sure as to how to handle this whole situation.

"Let's just take one day after another... We can make it through this..." he then told his daughter, trying to convince her and himself that they could survive this together.

The two ate in silence, neither of them ready to talk, just trying to absorb the pain in their hearts, the numb feeling in their heads.

In the afternoon Kirsten and Sandy came by, bringing the invitation list for the funeral. As Bernadette didn't have any family, it was going to be a small service.

Ryan scanned the list, not really paying attention to the single names when he suddenly stopped, pointing at a special name.

"You've got to be kidding me..." he quietly told Kirsten, who had a guilty look on her face.

"She's all family you have left Ryan... and she is sober for several years now. Please..."

Ryan's face hardened at the thought of his mother, at their fights and her rehabilitation efforts during the last few years. After the death of Trey 15 years ago and the sudden exitus of his father, Dawn came back, trying to make up, pleading him to giver her another chance.

Ryan wouldn't be Ryan if he didn't try to help her. Supported by Bernadette, they placed her in a rehab centre, wanting her to get better, to maybe become a mother again, maybe even a grandmother to Alyssa.

But then she started arguing with him about the upbringing of Alyssa and the way he handled things at the Newport Group. When she tried to convince him that Bernadette had only married him for his money, telling him to divorce her and send her back to where she came from, his patience was over and he told her to stay away, forever. He continued paying her rent, making sure that she had enough money to live through every month, but she was not allowed near his family anymore.

"She doesn't belong here... You are my family..." Ryan hissed angrily, confused at the sudden effort of his foster parents to bond with his mum.

"We know that son, but she might be able to help you... please Ryan, do it for us... " Sandy explained, pleading for his foster son to understand.

"But why!"

"It's Bernadette's wish..." Kirsten finally revealed, avoiding Ryan's eyes.

"What!"

"She faxed me the invitation list a few days ago, asking me to take care of it once... She knew that you would be resentful of your mother, but she wants you to straighten things out..." Kirsten softly explained, reaching for Ryan's hand, squeezing it gently.

"Guess there is nothing I can do against it then" Ryan answered upset, "but don't expect me to talk to her..."

They were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Ryan picked up and paled immediately when he heard who was on the other end.

"We'll be there in 10 minutes" he only said, before ending the call and looking at his parents, his eyes widened in shock.

"Alyssa!" he then called, not answering the questions he could see in Kirsten and Sandy's eyes.

"Yes Daddy?" his daughter yelled from her bedroom.

"Please get dressed, we gotta go to the hospital" Ryan answered, while grabbing his keys and his wallet, walking to the door, ripping it open.

Turning around he told his parents:

"The baby..." letting his voice trail off, leaving the rest to their imagination.

A few seconds later Alyssa came running down the stairs, grabbed Ryan's hand and off they were, leaving a startled Kirsten and Sandy behind.

When they arrived at the hospital, Dr. Hanson was already outside, waiting for them, immediately guiding them to the ward where the baby was placed.

Standing outside the window, looking at the fragile little body, Alyssa and Ryan were both close to tears, listening to the doctor talking.

"Everything looked good when you left earlier this morning. But around noon the complications started. He needed to be re-animated after a collapse of all the major organs... He is still alive now, but we are not sure about a possible brain damage as he was out for about 15 minutes."

The doctor stopped, looking at the family next to him, his heart full of sympathy, not knowing how to tell them what he needed to tell:

"We can keep the life supporting devices running and he could make it through the next few days. He could even live for a few months, but we don't know anything about the damages he experienced..."

"Are you suggestion to turn off the devices?" Ryan quietly asked, pulling Alyssa closer to his body, showing her that he was here.

"I know it's a tough decision, but the chance of the boy surviving is slim, surviving without any future damages is like 1..."

Ryan turned his head, directly looking at Dr. Hanson, explaining:

"My daughter and myself, we need some time to think about this..."

"Of course... there is a waiting room down the hall where nobody is staying, please feel free to use it. I'll be around if you need me" the medic softly told them, leaving to look after his other patients.

The architect and his daughter slowly walked over to the room the doctor had told them about, sitting down vis-à-vis each other, tears dancing in Alyssa's eyes.

Neither of them spoke, they just looked at each other, scared of their own thoughts, not sure if they wanted to know what the other was thinking.

Finally Alyssa told her father:

"I always wanted a brother..." she stopped and carefully inspected Ryan's reaction, but the adult's face didn't show any emotion.

"But I don't want to see my little brother suffering any more..." she continued in a low voice, hoping her Dad wouldn't hate her for expressing her thoughts in audible words.

Ryan just nodded, reaching for Alyssa's hands, holding them while telling her:

"I know... It's not fair to keep him alive just to make Mummy's death appear a little bit less pointless... But are you sure? It might be your last chance…. I mean… maybe you will never have any siblings…"

The sadness in Ryan's eyes was nearly unbearable for his daughter, when she realised, that her Dad was talking about not believing that he would ever marry again.

Alyssa nodded, softly telling him:

"Cassandra and Benjamin are my siblings, and auntie Summer and uncle Seth have always been like parents to me, that's all the family we need, right?"

Ryan nodded, fully understanding what she was talking about.

"But I have one wish…. Before… I want to remember my baby brother by name" Alyssa whispered, fresh tears running down her cheeks.

"What name?" her father asked her.

"David…. It means beloved… I want him to know, that for the short time he was on this earth, he was loved…."

Ryan felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He knew, when his son had a name, it would only be harder to get over the loss, harder to forget… But this wasn't the day to refuse his daughter's request. Getting up and leaving the room, Ryan looked for a nurse who could tell him where to find a minister. It didn't take long for the man of God to arrive and to baptizes the boy in attendance of Alyssa and Ryan.

Alyssa gave her little brother one last glance, pressing her fingers to the glass wall, tears in her eyes, before she turned around, walking out of the hospital and placing herself on a bench, waiting for Ryan to follow. The adult went over to Dr. Hanson, explaining him their decision, signing the papers the medic had prepared, before following his daughter outside, neither of them looking back.

They drove home without much talking. What had they left to talk about? Their life had been shattered and they knew, it would never the be same again. When Ryan opened the door to the entrance hall, silence greeted them. The adult shuddered, trying to shake off the feeling of loneliness and desperation that kept creeping into his system.

Alyssa slowly walked to the stairs, before turning around, directly looking at her father. Ryan flinched at the feelings he could see in her eyes. Feelings of complete loneliness, hopelessness and fear. Her look cut directly in to his heart, letting it break a little more.

"I need to be alone for some time..." Alyssa explained, running up the stairs, disappearing into her room. Ryan could hear her locking the door. He silently climbed up the stairs, listening for any noise in his daughter's nursery. Hearing her sobs, knowing that she was crying her heart out about the loss of her Mum, the loss of her little brother, something in his brain clicked, resulting in him completely losing self-control.

'This can't be true... this can't be happening... How can I ever face my daughter again after she lost nearly everything in her life? Why wasn't I able to protect my family from this tragedy?' In a panic reaction he ran down the stairs, out of the house, jumped into his car, driving off to the beach.

How could he possibly live on, now that his wife and his son had died? Suddenly all became clear. He didn't deserve to live. He had failed, failed to protect his family. All he had left was his daughter, who right now was lost in tears, probably hating him for not being able to hold the family together... His brain was working quickly, balancing all possibilities he had left… Only one solution seemed suitable: He needed an escape...

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**A/N: this was a difficult chapter to write, but I hope you liked it. Next update probably on Sunday or Monday, depends on the weather and if I'm in the mood to write ;-)**


	15. Chapter 14

**Discl. As usual**

**Thank you guys very much for the always lovely feedback, I'm glad a few of you have decided to stick with me ;-) My thanks go to Leentje, liz, I-believe-in-the-butterflies (J), GalootMaster, Rainygal, The-OC-roxmysox, JenJenxx, MaddySparkles, MalibuBarbie253, kursk and Kym

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**Chapter 14**

Marissa returned on Sunday afternoon, finding Colin in his room, reading comics.

"Hey" she softly greeted him, not sure if he was still mad at her for leaving.

"Hi mum" Colin answered smiling, getting up and hugging her welcome.

"How was your show?"

"Boring… Reminded me of the reasons why I wanted to quit in the first place" she replied tired, letting herself sink onto his bed, carefully inspecting her boys face. Something was different about him, she realised, but what was it?

"How was your weekend?"

Colin's face lit up, remembering his meeting with Ryan and Seth yesterday. Keeping in mind what Seth had told him, he answered:

"It was the best day of my life! Guess who I met yesterday?"

Marissa suspiciously raised one eyebrow, no idea who her son was talking about.

"I don't know honey, who did you meet?"

"Seth Cohen!"

"No you didn't!" Marissa yelled shocked, fear in her eyes, fear of her well protected secret to be blabbed out by an over talkative friend of hers.

"Yes I did! It was so great Mum! He gave me all those signed comics and we talked about his novels for hours! You never told me that you know him…." Colin told her all excited but still a little bit hurt about her keeping this big thing a secret.

Marissa stayed quiet, her mind racing, feeling sweat forming on her hands. Did Seth tell him anything? Did Seth KNOW anything!

"Listen darling, I know you love Seth, but…. you won't meet him again, do you understand?"

"But why!" Colin replied startled.

"Because I'm telling you!"

Tears started welling up in Colin's eyes while listening to his mum, trying to figure out what he had done wrong this time.

"But… have I done anything wrong?"

"No, but he's…. he's bad influence, so I'm telling you once and for all, stay away from him!"

Now the tears were freely streaming down the boy's face, his eyes full of hurt and confusion.

"You don't want me to be happy…." he finally whispered, wiping away his tears, getting up and heading to the kitchen.

"Colin wait! Fucking shit!" Marissa called, trying to catch him when he ran out of the room.

Following him she frantically tried to find a way to explain her boy the reason he couldn't talk to Seth anymore. She knew that Summer had probably told Seth about her son and although he could be self centric and self absorbed in times, she was sure that the graphic artist must have realised who the boy was when he saw him. Even Marissa herself was every day again fascinated about the similarities between Ryan and Colin.

When she reached the kitchen she froze in horror, watching Colin emptying a bottle of champagne she had been hiding for special occasions.

"COLIN!" the model screamed, reaching out and pushing the bottle out of her son's grip, sending it to the floor, shattering into thousand pieces.

"Fuck!" Colin screamed, angrily looking at his mum. Reaching down he wanted to remove the biggest shards from the ground when he suddenly screamed in pain, before carefully removing one shard from his hand, where it had cut right through his skin, resulting in blood streaming down his arm.

"Oh my God Colin, be careful, let me take a look" Marissa said worried, trying to stay calm, but not able to hide the fear in her voice.

"Stay away…." Colin warned, furiously glancing at her.

"But…. Colin, you need help! Why won't you let me help you?" his mum replied startled, trying to find out why he was constantly pushing her away.

"Because I hate you! You always tell me what to do! That's my life, my mistakes! Do you really think I have never tasted alcohol before! I was six when one of your model friends gave me champagne backstage of one of your shows! But I saw what alcohol does to people, that's why you never see me drinking, not because you forbid it or I don't want to! FOR GOD'S SAKE MUM, stop treating me like an adult and let me be a child!"

Marissa remained silent, too shocked to reply anything to the sudden outburst of her son. Was she really overprotective? Was she repeating Julie's mistake all over again? Was she a terrible mother? Sure, she had been spending most of her time with Colin instead of friends or lovers, possibly even seeing him as her best friend, her ally to turn to when she had problems. Had she really forgotten that he was still a child?

"You know what, don't bother to answer, I'm gonna talk to Ryan, he understands me!"

The model flinched, her heart stopping for a beat, when she heard her son mentioning the name of his father.

"Sweetie wait! Who is Ryan?" she managed to ask, her voice weak and desperate.

"He's my friend mum, and he respects me, listens to me!" Colin yelled, walking by his mother, angrily staring at her, grabbing a jacket and disappearing through the front door.

"Colin no! Wait!" Marissa called after him, but he was already gone.

Sinking down to the floor, allowing the sobs she had been holding back to escape her lips, Marissa was sitting in her entrance hall, releasing all her anger, helplessness and sorrow through the tears that were streaming down her face.

* * *

Colin managed to unchain his bike with one hand, pushing it out of the garage and riding off to town. His arm hurt like hell and the tears were still streaming down his face, remembering the fight with his mum. Feeling dizzy from the alcohol, he directed his bike to a park near by, not really sure where exactly he wanted to go.

He placed himself on a bench, taking a deep breath. When he realised that he was still bleeding, he reached for a tissue and tried to reasonably dress the wound.

Leaning back on the bench he wiped away his tears with his sleeve, thinking about his next step. Should he call Ryan? Remembering Seth's words, Colin decided against it, not wanting to worry his friend too much. His head still felt dizzy and the loss of blood was only adding to his miserable state. Getting up he tried walking to a near restaurant, when he felt his knees buckling, not able to keep himself upright anymore.

"Hey, you ok kid?" he could hear a voice, the question echoing in his head when he finally fell, feeling the world getting black around him.

* * *

When Ryan reached the cliffs his mind was blank, only one thought dominating his brain. Escape… Escape from his loneliness, escape from the bad luck that he knew came with the name Atwood, escape from the images of Alyssa, Bernadette and David, which kept circling in his mind.

He climbed out of the car, not even care to lock it, walking over to the highest point of the cliffs, placing himself on the edge, glancing down to the sea below him.

Ryan's whole world felt black. How could God, or who ever was watching over manhood, could take away his wife and his only son on one day? Knowing, that family was all that mattered, how could Alyssa possibly live on with the traumatic events of today, resulting in the loss of half of her family? He knew that at the moment he couldn't imagine getting re-married, as he didn't knew if he could ever trust a woman again. His first love ran away without any proper reasons and his second one died, leaving him alone again. So the chance of having another son was slim to none. He sure loved Alyssa with all his heart, but the one thing he had always dreamt of was a son. Ryan had been all excited when Bernadette announced that she was pregnant with a boy. She knew that he had always wanted a son to make up for the things he had been missing out on with his Dad. Do all the men stuff Sandy had showed him and simultaneously taught him what it meant to be a father. He wanted a son he could be proud of, attend football games, talk sports and cars. But that dream was beyond reach now, blown off like a bubble…

Remembering Alyssa's words "Cassandra and Benjamin are my siblings, Seth and Summer like parents to me" he knew that she would survive without him. She had people to turn to, people who would take care of her, like the Cohen's took care of him when he was lost. He couldn't bear the thought of looking at his daughter anymore, discovering the feelings of hurt, pain and betrayal in her eyes. Feelings he knew, he was responsible for.

All he had to do now was to wait for sunset, wait for the dark to surround him, allowing him to jump off the cliffs without seeing the end coming.

* * *

Seth was preparing dinner, his hands moving without much thinking, as his mind was absent. He hadn't talked to Ryan since they left the hospital and he felt miserable. Summer was still in bed, having Cassandra and Benjamin sleeping with her. The loss of her sister-in-law had deeply affected her, not able to stop crying for hours once they had gotten home.

The adult with the curly hair was interrupted in his thoughts as the phone started ringing. Dropping everything he hurried over, picking up, asking:

"Cohen?"

"Uncle Seth?" he could hear the nervous voice of Alyssa.

"Alyssa sweetie, are you ok?"

"No… has Daddy called you?"

"Uhm… no, why?"

"David is dead…." Alyssa answered, sobs escaping her mouth.

"I'm sorry pumpkin, but who is David?" Seth asked carefully, trying not to upset her, but he was completely lost in confusion about the words of his niece.

"My little brother… His name was David… we had to turn off the devices…" the little girl explained, her voice getting lower, her sobs louder.

"I'm so sorry Alyssa….I… Is Ryan around?"

"No! That's why I'm calling" Alyssa explained, now obviously crying.

"I was in my room for about an hour and when I wanted to get something to eat he was gone… I called his cell phone but he isn't picking up…. I'm scared…"

Seth knew that Alyssa and Ryan had a special bond. They usually understood each other without many words, being able to easily recognise how the other was feeling. The urge in Alyssa made him realise that she was seriously worried. He knew that Ryan would never leave his daughter alone, especially not at the moment with all the tragedy in their life. Except… Could it be true? Had they been right? Had Ryan lost it now that also his son was dead?

"Uncle Seth?" Seth heard the voice of Alyssa asking, realising that he had been quiet for some time.

"I'm sorry honey, we'll come over, don't worry, we're gonna find Ryan" he tried to calm her down, convincing that everything would be ok. But how could it? Seth knew that even he himself would run away if anything happened to Summer and Benjamin…

"See you in a few minutes" he continued, hanging up and hurrying to get Summer.

"Summer! Honey, get up please" he called while running up the stairs. His wife was awake and looked at him with wide open eyes when he rushed into their bedroom.

Seth placed himself on the bed, close to his family, tenderly touching the sleeping Benjamin and Cassandra. He then gestured Summer to follow him outside, in order not to disturb the kids.

"What's wrong?" his wife asked worried once they were standing in the hall.

"The boy… David… he died today…. Alyssa just called, she can't find Ryan and she's worried… do you think…."

Summer gasped, covering her mouth with her hand, trying to follow the words of her husband.

"I… Oh my God… We gotta find him…" was all she stammered, leaning herself against the wall for support.

"I know… but where shall we start?"

"Let's call Kirsten and Sandy, they gotta look after the kids, afterwards we can start looking for him. You go over to Alyssa and try to calm her down while I call your parents to come over. I'll meet you at Chino's" Summer told him forcefully, instantly getting into action.

Seth agreed, grabbing his keys and his wallet and heading for the door, hearing Summer picking up the phone, trying to reach the Cohen's.

When he arrived at Ryan's mansion, his cell phone started ringing.

"Cohen?"

"Seth? It's Marissa"

"Sorry Marissa, but I really don't have time now" Seth answered, trying to cut off the model.

"What did you tell them!" she called and Seth realised that she was crying.

"What did I tell who?" he told her irritated, reaching for his keys and opening the door, finding Alyssa sitting on the couch in the entrance hall, staring at him with a hopeful look in her eyes.

He mouthed sorry, apologising for not being Ryan, before he closed the door behind himself, walking over to his nice.

"What did you tell Colin about Ryan!" Marissa meanwhile wanted to know.

"I did tell neither of them anything" Seth stated, starting to get angry.

"Listen Marissa, I can't talk about this right now, we gotta find Ryan, Bernadette and his son died tonight and he disappeared."

"Oh my God…."

"Yeah, so I'll call you back once things go…."

"Is there anything I can do?" Marissa interrupted him.

"Keep an eye out for Ryan…" Seth sighed, placing himself next to Alyssa, pulling her close, letting her lean her head against his chest. He tenderly ran his hand through her hair while trying to talk to Marissa in a decent tone.

"Look, I'll call you if we need anything, ok? Bye"

"Bye" the model replied, hanging up the phone, not sure what to do now.

Seth could feel Alyssa shaking, so he gently picked her up and carried her upstairs, laying her down to sleep. Knowing that she couldn't stay here all by himself he called Summer, wondering if she had already reached his parents. Her cell phone was turned off, so he started walking around Ryan's house, trying to find a hint as to where Ryan could've taken off to.

10 minutes and no results later the front door opened and Seth heard someone walking in.

"Summer? Is that you?"

"No Seth, it's me" the voice of his father answered.

Seth stepped out of Ryan's office he was rummaging in, silently hugging his Dad, glad for the support.

"Did Summer…."

Sandy nodded sadly, gently padding his son's shoulder.

"Kirsten and Summer will be here in a few minutes with the kids, to look after Alyssa. Did you find anything?"

Seth shook his head, reaching for his cell phone.

"I think we should keep trying to reach him by phone… he will see that we're looking for him and call back… unless he doesn't wanna be found…."

* * *

**A/N: I know you want to read that the next update will be this week, but I'm sorry I can't promise anything… This weekend drama worth one season of the O.C. happened in my family (a death, a burned down house, an illegitimate pregnancy, a break-up with nervous breakdown and a suicide threat...), therefore my life is quite difficult at the moment and I don't know if I get to write much… please be patient with me…**


	16. Chapter 15

**Discl. Thanks to Josh as usual…**

**My thank yous go to my loyal readers and reviewers, thanks for sticking with me, you mean the world to me! Tx to I-believe-in-the-butterflies (J), JenJenxx, Rainygal, Leentje, Kym, The-OC-roxmysox, kursk, megan, maddy-sparkles, welcometotheoc (15x), GalootMaster (sorry), ocobsessedrachel2 and liz. Thank you guys so much for the encouraging and comforting words, I really appreciate it…

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**Chapter 15**

It was getting darker around him and he enjoyed the freedom and peace out here on the cliffs. Nobody to judge, to accuse him of disappointing his family. For the sixth time his cell phone started vibrating in his pocket, calling for him to pick up. Reaching for it, he checked the numbers, seeing that Seth and Alyssa had tried to contact him. He was tempted to call his daughter back, letting her know why he had to do this, making her understand that she would have a better life with the Cohen's, not cursed by the bad luck of the Atwoods.

The phone vibrated again, this time he didn't recognise the number. Knowing that the mailbox would take the call he was just about to put it away when the curiosity hit him. His cell phone number wasn't known to anyone at the company, so who could possibly be calling him? He looked at the number again, no idea who it could belong to. Shrugging he dialled the number of the mailbox, listening to the messages. Seth and Alyssa both told him that they were worried and that he should let them know where he was. He didn't know the voice of the last caller:

"Mr. Atwood, this is Newport County Hospital calling. It's about your son, please come by as quickly as possible."

His heart stopped beating for a second, his brain trying to absorb the message he had just heard. Were they talking about David? Did Dr. Hanson not turn off the devices? Was there a chance that his son was still alive?

He didn't give it any more thoughts but got up, walked over to his car, started the engine and drove off.

When he reached the hospital his hands were wet of sweat, his heart beating quickly, his mind racing. Rushing through the entrance he ran over to the receptionist, asking:

"My son? You called…"

"What's your name please, Sir?"

"Atwood, my name is Atwood" Ryan replied out of breath.

"Oh yes, Mr. Atwood, your son was delivered to the hospital with a cut on his hand and in a drunken state."

Ryan just looked at the nurse, no idea what she was talking about.

"I'm sorry, but you must be wrong. My son was born tonight, there must be a mix up" the adult told the receptionist irritated.

Suddenly a doctor appeared, asking:

"Are you Mr. Ryan Atwood?"

"Yes for God's sake!"

"Ok, follow me…" the doctor replied, leading the confused architect to an examination room. They entered together and the doctor explained:

"The boy was delivered an hour ago, he was drunk and had a rather deep cut on his right hand. He was unconsciousness, so we were not able to ask for his name. But we found your card in his wallet, no ID card or anything. So, do you know him?"

Pulling the curtain away, the doctor showed Ryan the bed with the sleeping boy inside. The adult sighed deeply when he recognised Colin. Walking up to his bed he gently took the boy's hand, his heartbeat slowly steadying, the numb feeling of before again settling into his system.

"The boy's name is Colin, I'm afraid I don't know his last name, and he is most definitely not my son…" Ryan told the doctor, too tired to explain why Colin had his business card on him.

Suddenly Colin was stirring, moving his hand slightly.

"Colin?"

"Ryan?" the boy asked surprised, when he recognised the adult on his bed, his voice hoarse and weak.

"What happened Colin?"

Touching his hurting head, Colin tried to find out where he was, what the awful smell in his nose meant.

"Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital Colin… You cut your hand… and you were drunk…" Ryan explained softly.

"Oh… right…now I remember… I had a fight… with mum… I stole her Champagne, drunk it… she shattered the bottle and I cut myself… then I ran away…."

"You gotta call her Colin, she must be worried sick…

"Ok…" Colin answered, already regretting his action of earlier, happy to have an adult around he could trust, making his feeling of loneliness fade slowly. Sitting up in bed and taking a closer look at Ryan, he realised that the adult looked horrible. His eyes were red and unusual dark. His hair dishevelled, his clothes crinkled, his glance absent.

"Are you ok Ryan?"

"Yeah…. I'm fine…." Ryan answered, trying to find a reason to get out of here as soon as possible. Too many bad memories were now linked to this place and he couldn't bear the thought of staying here one minute longer than necessary.

"I'm sorry Colin, but I gotta go, there are things I have to take care of…. "

"How is your wife?" the boy asked politely, getting the slight feeling that something was pushing the architect over the edge.

Tears were suddenly filling Ryan's eyes, the pain coming back to his heart, his glance scaring the hell out of Colin.

"She…. she died tonight…."

"I… I'm so sorry…." Colin answered shocked, now definitely sure that Ryan was not at all ok. Desperate to keep the adult at his side, but not really sure how to do so, he asked:

"I really don't want to bother you… but I'm really scared of my mum… Would you… would you please wait with me until she arrives?"

Ryan sighed heavily, trying to find an excuse to leave, but not able to withstand the pleading look in the boy's eyes.

"Ok, you call your mum and I'm gonna find some coffee"

* * *

Marissa was driving down the streets, looking for her son, when her cell started ringing.

"Cooper?"

"Mum? It's Colin…"

"Colin! Thank God you're alright, where are you?"

"Don't freak out mum… I'm at the hospital…"

"What! Oh my God! Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, they took care of the cut… could you please come and get me?"

"Sure honey, I'll be there in a few minutes!" Marissa replied, ending the call, turning her car and driving to the Newport County Hospital.

A few minutes later she reached the building, hurried inside, walked up to the nurse and asked:

"I'm looking for my son, Colin Cooper?"

"I'm afraid I can't find a patient called Colin Cooper" the nurse answered, after checking her files.

"He just called me, he's 12… he has a cut on his hand?" Marissa tried again.

"Oh, of course, the boy sans identification…. your husband is already with him"

"Who?" the model asked startled, no idea who the nurse was talking about.

"Your husband. It's the second door on the right, down the hall."

The nurse turned away, starting to fill out some papers, ignoring the model who was standing there, lost at the words of the receptionist.

Marissa slowly started to walk down the hall, looking for the room the nurse had told her. Turning around the corner she immediately recognised Ryan's figure standing at the coffee machine. She had never before seen him in such a miserable state. His whole body yelled "sleep", his clothes looked like he hadn't changed in a few days. Marissa could see that he was in pain.

Her first reaction was panic. Did he know about Colin? Could she pass him without him noticing? But then she realised that he probably was at the hospital for matters regarding his wife or his son. Although she knew that Colin was waiting for her and she was curious about the so-called husband waiting for her at his bed, she immediately knew that Ryan needed her more right now. Knowing that her boy was ok, as he had told her on the phone, she decided to first take care of his father.

Stepping back behind the corner, she took out her cell, dialling the last recorded number.

"Cohen?"

"Seth, I found Ryan. He's at the hospital, and he looks awful…" Marissa told Ryan's brother in a low voice.

"Ok, we're on the other side of town, but we'll be there in about 30 minutes, try to keep him there, ok, bye – oh, and Marissa, thanks…."

"No problem" the model answered, ending the call.

Taking a deep breath she walked around the corner , trying to figure out what she was gonna say to Ryan.

When she approached the adult, he was facing the coffee machine, not seeing her coming. His whole posture screamed defeat and the model's heart was overflowing with love for the man she had once known better than herself.

Softly tapping his shoulder she greeted him:

"Hey"

Ryan flinched, nearly spilling his coffee all over the place at the unexpected gesture, before placing the mug on the table and turning around to face Marissa.

"Hey…"

They silently looked at each other for a few seconds. Marissa had to pull herself together in order not to start crying. The adult in front of her was a mess. She had never seen so much pain in his eyes, so much hopelessness and loneliness. Tears started filling her eyes, imagining how much he had loved his wife, how lonely he must feel now.

Instinctively she reached out, pulling him into an embrace, softly stroking his back.

"I'm so sorry… so deeply sorry… it's gonna be ok… one day it's gonna be ok" she soothed, trying to express all her support and love for him.

Ryan was obviously thankful for her presence, as he reached around her, holding her close, resting his head on her shoulder. They remained in the same position for a while, not talking, just gathering strength.

Finally Ryan let go of her, mumbling: "My coffee is getting cold…"

Placing himself on a chair next to the machine he sighed, taking a sip of his coffee, trying not to show how happy he was to see her.

Marissa sat down next to him, not sure whether he was ready to talk about his feelings.

"You heard?"

"Yes, Seth told me… I'm so deeply sorry… Is there anything I can do?"

"Turn back time…" he smiled sadly, not looking at her, fearing that she might see how he felt, figuring out what he was about to do earlier.

"I miss her so much… she has always been here for me… and my son… you know how I always wanted a son and now… chances are gone… forever…"

Marissa gulped slightly, her heartbeat quickening, her mind balancing the possibilities. Should she tell him that he already had a son? Would it be too much? Would he push her and his son away for not telling him? He needed to grieve first, she decided, there was plenty of time telling him, now that she was back.

"If you want to talk…. you know where to find me…." she told him instead.

"Yeah… I mean… no… I don't know… will you be there?"

"I'm sorry… what?" Marissa replied startled, not knowing what he was talking about.

"There were times when I needed you… badly…. but you weren't there…."

"Oh… that…." the model replied uneasy.

Turning around to face her teenage love, directly looking into his eyes, she told him:

"I promise Ryan, I will always be here for you… the time of hiding and shutting you out of my life is over. I want us… I want this to work… at least as friends…."

Ryan's eyes expressed thankfulness and a desperate hope that he could believe her this time, that she was really back for good. He couldn't admit it right now, but he knew that the only future he possibly had with a woman would be with Marissa or no one. There was no way he could ever love another woman like he loved her, never feel any similar connection to any female being than to the model sitting next to him, promising him, that she would never leave him again. But could he trust her? Could he really trust a woman again, after all he had been through with the ones he let into his life, his heart?

Ryan didn't know, all he knew was that at the moment, he was happy to be sitting next to his teenage love, experiencing the same feelings he had when he first met her, the butterflies in his stomach, the quickened heartbeat... Although feeling slightly guilty for admitting that he still loved Marissa, he knew that Bernadette would have understood, that she knew anyway. She had never told him, but in his heart he was sure, that she didn't expect him to stay a widower for the rest of his life, not for him and definitely not for Alyssa. And by inviting Marissa into their home, when she knew that she was going to die, she had opened the closed door between the two of them, giving them the chance to re-connect, apologize for the things they had said, make up for the lost time they had spent to convince themselves that they were over each other. Maybe this wasn't the end, but the beginning of a life he should have started living 12 years ago….

* * *

**A/N: I'll be leaving for my holiday tomorrow, and I won't have internet access nor PC access at all, so the next update will take a while, probably on Tuesday or Wednesday in 1 ½ weeks…. I know I'm mean, leaving you with a cliffhanger, but the chapter would have been too long if I had added the long awaited Ryan/Marissa/Colin scene, but now you know what you are looking forward to…**


	17. Chapter 16

**Discl. as usual, hi Josh! _wave_**

**THANK YOU! Yes, all of you reviewers and readers out there, I love you! My thank you's go to DeuCe628, The-OC-roxmysox, Leentje, kursk, MalibuBarbie253, Rainygal, b2little, I-Believe-In-The-Butterflies (J), Maddy-Sparkles, Tigercrystal, Kym, PrincessOats42, wishinonastar, GalootMaster. Enjoy….

* * *

**

**Chapter 16**

Colin was on tenterhooks after he had called his mum, waiting for Ryan to return. Although he only knew Ryan for a few days he had been aware of the concern in Seth's voice, when talking about his brother; and the way Ryan had looked today let Colin fear the worst. He had seen awful things in his young life, drug addicted models, burned out designers and swamped agents, so he definitely knew the glance in Ryan's eyes. When the adult didn't show up on his bed for 15 minutes, the boy got anxious, fearing that Ryan had taken off. Grabbing his clothes, he slowly dressed himself, struggling with his bandaged hand.

Pulling away the curtain he then tried to make out the adult within the people in the room, but he couldn't spot Ryan anywhere. Deciding that his mum would probably not turn up for the next few minutes, he walked out of the room, looking around, trying to find out where the coffee machine could be placed.

He seemed to be looking quite lost, as a nurse came up to him, asking:

"Can I help you kid?"

"Yeah, I'm looking for the coffee machine?"

Raising her eyebrow suspiciously the woman asked:

"Aren't you a little bit young for coffee?"

"I'm looking for… a friend, he wanted to grab a coffee" Colin explained irritated, not liking when strange people were all overprotective, too interested in his personal life.

"Oh, ok… Go down the hall, turn left and then you will see it" the nurse repeated, sweetly smiling at him as she walked away.

Colin nodded thankfully and started walking down the hall. When he turned around the corner he stopped dead in track, catching sight of his mum and Ryan sitting next to each other, talking in low voices. His heart beat quickened instantly, not sure if he was happy to see that his mum had met his new best friend. Slowly making his way to the two adults he tried to sort the thoughts racing through his mind, forming any proper words to say.

"Mum…."

Ryan and Marissa flinched visibly, jumping off their chairs at the voice of Colin.

"Colin" both exclaimed, surprised to see the boy out of bed.

"Mum!" Ryan then nearly screamed,horror-stricken looking forth and back from Marissa to Colin.

"Yes, Ryan, Marissa Cooper is my mum….you probably know her from television" Colin explained, not understanding why the two adults had been talking. The model, first slightly confused that Colin knew Ryan, was soon aware of what was happening, her mind racing, knowing that her secret was out, trying to find a way to keep Ryan from freaking out.

Ryan didn't say anything but raised his gaze to meet Marissa's, his own eyes wide open in shock, his mind absorbing what he just had heard. Seeing the guilty look on the model's face, the fear in her eyes, calculating Colin's age with the years they have been apart, the realisation drowned into his brain, his mouth getting dry. Returning his look to the boy, Ryan finally recognised, what his mind had been blocking out, what he maybe wasn't meant to see: the sparkling blue eyes, the sandy hair, the way Colin talked…..

Marissa wordlessly took Ryan's hand, desperate to keep him from running away, her eyes pleading for him to forgive her, to let her explain.

"I'm sorry Ryan…"

"Sorry for what mum?" Colin finally asked, glancing up to the two adults, still not understanding what was going on between them.

"But how… Why… my God…." Ryan stammered, slowly shaking his head before taking a step back, pulling his hand out of hers with a hurt look in his eyes, letting himself heavily plop onto the chair, burying his head in his hands.

"What's going on mum?" Colin asked scared.

Sitting down next to Ryan, Marissa pulled her son close, gently hugging him, running her hand through his hair, letting him settle down on her lap. Struggling with the weight of the boy, she turned her head to look at Ryan, trying to find out if he was ready to hear what she was about to say. When he didn't look up, she turned back to her boy, asking him:

"Honey… where do you know Ryan from?"

"We met at the pier… about a week ago… he helped me with some guys…"

Glancing over at Ryan, Colin tried to find out what was wrong with his friend, as the adults head remained buried in his hands, his dropped shoulders and his deep breaths scaring the boy.

"And?"

Turning his attention back to his mum, Colin continued:

"He told me I could call him whenever I needed to talk… he's a really good friend mum… we just talked… and he introduced me to Seth… What is going on?"

"Sweetie… Remember how you have been asking me about your Dad all these years?"

"Yes?" the boy replied, gulping hardly, too nervous to think about anything else to say, sensing that his mum was finally ready to share the information he had been waiting for years.

"Well… it's Ryan honey…. Ryan's your Dad…"

The shocked and hurt expression in Colin's eyes told Marissa everything. He jumped off her lap, taking a few steps back from the adults, shaking his head in disbelieve.

"I thought… I really thought you were my friend" he finally yelled towards Ryan, who lifted his head at the outburst of the boy, pain and unshed tears visible in his eyes.

"How could you do that to me? After I told you how I felt about my Dad?" Colin continued, his eyes narrowed at the sight of his parents, which he now knew, had been lying to him since he was born.

"I didn't know… you must believe me Colin, I didn't know…." Ryan managed to tell his son, pleadingly looking at him, trying to express his apology for not realising, for not jumping at the clues laying openly before his eyes.

"I don't believe you! You're exactly as the other guys mum was dating, useless! I wished for you to be my Dad, but now I'm not sure if I ever want to see you again…." the boy finished bitterly, before taking off, running down the hall.

Jumping off the bench, the two adults followed him instantly, but after turning around the next corner, he had already disappeared.

Looking at Marissa who was standing next to him, Ryan sighed, unsure of what to do now. She gave him an uncertain glance, noticing the confusion and reluctance in his eyes, immediately feeling guilty for putting him into this situation in this already troubled time.

Both adults flinched, when Marissa's cell phone started ringing aggressively in her bag.

"Seth?" the model answered quickly.

"Missing someone?"

"You found Colin?"

"You found Ryan?"

"Yep… he knows…"

"Yeah, so I figured at the stream of words escaping your son's mouth, between the colourful curses of course, as a reaction to me stopping him" Seth smirked.

"Listen, you talk to Ryan while I try to talk to Colin, maybe he trusts me more than the two of you at the moment" the graphic artist continued, for once being the voice of reason.

"Yeah, that's probably best, I'll call you"

"Right, take good care of him, he's really shaken, ok?" Seth said concerned before ending the call.

Looking at the furious Colin and a stunned Sandy, Seth decided to guide them to the cafeteria, where he instructed his Dad to organise something to drink.

When he had placed the fuming boy at a table, he sat down vis-à-vis, questioningly looking at Colin.

"You knew, didn't you?" Ryan's son asked, tears dancing in his eyes.

"Yep… since I first met you, which was actually yesterday…. Unbelievable what happened within the last 24 hours…."

Seth's voice was bitter, sadness visible in his eyes.

"I'm sorry about Ryan's wife…"

"Don't tell me… tell Ryan… he also lost his son, you know?" Seth asked his new nephew, intensively looking at him.

Ignoring the accusing and advising undertone in Seth's voice, Colin asked:

"Why didn't you tell him?"

Seth realised that Colin was slowly shaking off his anger, trying to understand his father's situation and the decisions everyone had made.

"Because he's my brother… and brother's take care of each other… With a dying wife, a baby to be born, the outlook of becoming a widower and single Dad, the last Ryan needed was more trouble. I know you're not trouble, you're a lovely boy and he really likes you. But matters with your mum are as confusing as they have always been. Only God himself understands their relationship" Seth sighed, remembering the past days, when the outsider and the homecoming queen of Newport had started dating.

He was interrupted in his thoughts, when Sandy rejoined them, placing a coke in front of them.

"Son, somebody's got to fill me in on what's happening here" Sandy demanded, looking at Seth and then glancing over to Colin.

"Colin, this is my Dad, Sandy Cohen… Dad, this is Marissa's son Colin" Seth introduced, leaving the fun part out, wondering as to whether Sandy would figure things out himself.

The lawyer gave his son a surprised look before he reached out to shake the boy's hand, smiling at him. It wasn't until Colin opened his mouth to say "Nice to meet you Mr. Cohen" that Sandy's eyes widened, his gaze returning to meet his son's eyes.

"You gotta be kidding me…."

"Nope, I'm not… unbelievable, isn't it! Imagine Ryan coincidentally meeting Colin, making friends with him, hanging out, even introducing him to me but not realising what's going on…"

"And here I was always thinking that he's the smarter of you two" Sandy smirked, following the Cohen tradition of making jokes about shocking events to absorb the news...

* * *

After ending her call with Seth, Marissa turned around to look at her ex-boyfriend, who was leaning against the wall, having followed their discussion, fully taken aback by the latest turn of events, not knowing what to do or what to say next.

"Talk?" Marissa asked carefully, hoping he would not just turn around and ran out on her like her son had done a few minutes ago.

"You talk… I listen…" Ryan nodded, directing her out of the hospital, desperate to leave the depressing smell and people behind him, taking a deep breath, trying to shake the memories of the last two days off.

They walked over to the small park nearby, placing themselves on a bench, absorbing what had happened a few minutes ago, realising that their relationship had again changed in an instant.

Marissa's mind was racing again, quickly judging her ideas, balancing thoughts of how to start, what to tell the father of her only child, who happened to be love of her life.

"I made a lot of mistakes in my life Ryan" finally Marissa began, directly looking at the architect.

"But having Colin was definitely the best decision ever. He's such a good boy, my best friend even, smart, clever… and so much like you…."

When Ryan didn't react, but kept starting at the tree in front of them, Marissa continued, her voice getting lower, nervously playing with her fingers.

"When I realised that I was pregnant, we had been broken up for a few weeks. I knew, if I'd get in contact with you, you would decide to support me all the way through, like you wanted to with Theresa. But I didn't want your support… I didn't want us to end up like you and Theresa. You would have been with me because of the baby, but I wanted you to be with me because we love each other…."

At this last words Ryan turned his head, giving her a quick glance, trying to find out why she was using present tense. Marissa held his look, showing him that she was serious.

The moment lasted only a few seconds, but the model could swear that she had seen hope in Ryan's dark, empty eyes.

"When Summer told me that you were getting married, I wanted to tell you, letting you know that you had a son, coming forward about my feelings. But I knew that you would have never forgiven me for not telling you earlier…. for once again messing up your life. You would have meant to save me … But I didn't need to be saved Ryan, the only thing I needed and wanted over all those years, back from day one when I met you on Sandy's driveway, was your love…"

Marissa could see Ryan gulping, before he jumped up. Starting to pace between the bench and the tree he head been staring at.

"We've always had the worst timing…" the architect finally muttered, reluctantly rising his head and quickly glancing at the model.

"I still can't believe how I could possibly be this blind…"

"You had no idea…. And you had other problems occupying your mind…. Don't judge yourself too hard Ryan" Marissa soothed softly, knowing that he was questioning himself.

"We connected from the moment we met… like we unconsciously knew that we're related… he IS a good boy… he's the son I always wanted…. But that's not the point…"

Ryan stopped and intensively looked at the model.

"The point is that my son died… my wife died… that I've got a daughter to take care of… an ex-girlfriend who claims to still love me… and now suddenly a son who's disappointed in me and probably hates me for not being around for the first 12 years of his life… I just can't breathe anymore Marissa, my head is spinning and honestly, all I want right now is a quick solution, to bring peace to my mind, my heart…."

**A/N: Yes, I'm back from my holidays and my life is pretty f at the moment, stress at work and just generally no time for anything… So… I HOPE to have the next chapter within a week, I predict Wednesday or Thursday next week, not guaranteed though… sorry guys!**


	18. Chapter 17

**Discl. as usual**

**+hiding below the table+ please don't hit me people! I know I'm late, and I'm sorry! I have been sick over the past two weeks, and real life came in the way, you know how hard it can be! Don't wanna bore you with my life though, but express my sincere thank yous to the best reviewers on earth: **

**Thank you to kursk, Leentje, I-believe-in-the-Butterflies (J), liz, Alexis, Kym, MalibuBarbie253, GalootMaster, brandyurastar, MaddySparkles, SVOC Luva, gossipgrl11593, Babyblue2210, smartiepantz, SG22 and especially Rainygal, thanks for your help!**

**Chapter 17**

"You can't be serious, Ryan?" asked Marissa sternly, after a few moments of thinking, which led her to realise, what exactly the man in front of her was talking about.

"I thought you out of all people would understand me…."

"Yes, I do understand the urge to numb the pain, but me taking painkillers in Tijuana can hardly be compared to you, thinking about an escape, with your daughter at home who needs you!"

"She's better off with the Cohens anyway…" the adult hissed, his guards fully up again, his mind already searching for a way to escape this conversation.

Marissa only gasped, not believing what she heard.

"If I learnt anything with the Cohens, it is that family can not be reduced to the blood bond, it's more about where your heart is… Alyssa hates me Marissa, I'm a terrible father -"

"Yes you are!" interrupted Marissa upset.

"If you actually consider leaving your daughter all by herself after everything she has gone through, you are indeed a terrible father!"

Ryan just looked at her, shocked about her words. Admitting to himself that he's a loser was a lot easier than actually hearing someone telling him, he realised.

"Ryan, Alyssa needs you now more than ever! You should understand what it means to be abandoned by your parents! Do you really wanna do that to her? I don't believe so… Alyssa needs you, Colin needs you, if you decide to accept him as your son, and I need you… if that still means something to you…"

Marissa was trying hard to rub some senses into him, fearing, that he might actually thought about leaving this world and all his problems behind, although it was very un-Ryan-like. She realised, that the events of the last few days must have affected him more than they had ever imagined. Her thoughts were racing, trying to think of something that would make him realise, what he was throwing away, her whole mind focused on finding the trigger to bring the old Ryan Atwood back to life.

"But how Marissa, how can I even think of living on with nothing left in my life than my daughter, who I am sure, will have a lifelong neurosis caused by today's tragedy… with a son" –

"Not A son, Ryan… YOUR son" Marissa interrupted softly.

"My son…" the architect repeated in a low voice.

"How do you know he won't hate me?"

"Because all I ever wanted was a Dad, a family…" Colin suddenly said, stepping up to the two adults, startling them with his sudden appearance.

Ryan stayed quiet, not sure what to do, lost of words, just staring at the boy in front of him, whose eyes were sparkling.

"And because family is all that matters, right?" Colin smiled shyly, carefully nudging his Dad's side, not sure as to whether the adult would approve.

Here it was again, the phrase that Ryan had been repeating to himself, which had been playing in his mind, never fully able to believe it. Lately everyone seemed to tell him that family was all that matters, but how could he possibly agree? His family was one fucked up mess, his Dad died in prison; his Mum never loved nor respected him, but only wanted to destroy his family and everything he had built in his life… His brother shot by the one woman he had loved since the day he had been abandoned by his own flesh and blood…

But looking at the boy standing one step away from him, inspecting his reaction, detecting the fear in the eyes of his son, fear that maybe his own father would turn away, leave him alone, not able to accept him into his life, broke Ryan's heart.

How could he even think of turning HIS son down? Disappointing him like he had been disappointed by his own family? Hadn't he sworn to himself, that he would never let his children down? That he would always be there for them no matter what? Hadn't he promised himself not to become like his biological parents? How could he forget…?

Ryan realised, that he needed to pull himself together, that he had to carry on with his life, because the moment he became a parent, his own life wasn't as important anymore as the life of his children, their happiness, their success. They lived from and for his love, a love that they should be able to take for granted."

Ryan wordlessly opened his arms and pulled his son into his arms, picking him up and hugging him tight, tears falling down his cheeks. No words were needed, all three knew, that this was the fresh start they had been hoping for, the bonding of their now united family, the point where they together could start working on healing their wounds, trying to help each other overcome their fears and fulfil their hidden dreams.

"Are you ready to meet your sister?" Ryan finally said, placing Colin on the ground, kneeling down to bring his eyes in one line with the eyes of his son, wiping away the tears that had been welling up in the boy's eyes.

Colin reached for his mother's hand, squeezing it tightly, showing her, that he knew that his biggest dream was finally coming true, but that he hadn't forgotten her.

Then he turned his head to his father and nodded, not able to any longer suppress the one smile, which he knew had been waiting inside of him, wanting to surface since the day he came into this world.

* * *

Colin told Ryan and Marissa that Seth and Sandy had already gone back to Ryan's place, assuming that they would work things out and follow them back home.

Marissa had decided, that she would drive them, knowing, that Ryan was still instable and that she couldn't leave him all by himself, where all the feelings and fears could come back.

It was silent in the car, everyone nervous about what was going to happen in a few minutes, neither sure, as to how the family and especially Alyssa would react to the news.

When they arrived, all three of them climbed silently out of the car, watching the impressive building ahead of them, knowing that this was the point, where there life would change, to the better or the worse…

Before any of them could make the first move up to the house, the door was ripped open and an 11 year old, sandy haired girl came rushing outside, tears streaming down her face.

"Daddy!"

Ryan opened his arms and caught his daughter when she came running into his arms, pressing her head against his chest, sobs escaping her mouth. He gently picked her up and kissed her hair, holding her close to his body.

"Hey pumpkin…"

Suddenly the girl started punching her Dad, throwing her little fists against his muscular chest.

"Where have you been? I was so worried!" she screamed under tears.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm so sorry…" Ryan just soothed, knowing that his daughter needed to release her anger before she was able to talk to him, he guessed that was another thing he had unconsciously taught her.

Ryan softly carried his angry but relieved daughter over the stairs inside the house, gesturing Marissa and Colin to follow them. In the living room, Kirsten was sitting with Sandy on the couch, her eyes red and puffy. Seth was holding Cassandra and Summer had Benjamin on her lap, both looking tired and exhausted. Ryan immediately felt guilty for putting them through this whole mess.

Marissa closed the door behind herself and pushed her son softly into the living room, nervously tousling his hair, not sure, if they were welcome in the one family she had always admired for their strength and coherence.

"Marissa, why don't you two sit down for a while, I need to talk to Alyssa first" Ryan told the model and his son, giving them a quick, reassuring smile, before carrying his daughter into his bedroom.

* * *

Ryan had on the way home made up his mind. He had decided, that he didn't need to tell Alyssa what had happened this afternoon, what he had been feeling and what he had been about to do earlier. The architect knew, that he now had to concentrate on saying goodbye to his wife and then start working on the relationship to his son. He didn't know, whether they were ever going to be a happy family, but he needed at least to be a good father for Alyssa and Colin.

Ryan placed his daughter gently on the bed he had been sharing with Bernadette for the past few years and sat down next to her, avoiding her reproachful glance.

"What happened to your promise about never leaving me?" Alyssa finally wanted to know, her voice full of hurt and confusion.

"Pumpkin I'm sorry, ok? But like you, I just needed some time for myself, to think about everything, to come clear with myself about our future. It was a difficult time and my mind was spinning, don't you understand that?"

"Sure I do, Daddy! But you just left! I felt like I was the only person alive when I came out of my room…"

"Oh honey I'm sorry… And now I swear, I will never ever leave you again without telling you where I'm going, ok?" Ryan's voice broke and he hugged his daughter, realising what he had done, silently trying to ban the images of the cliffs from his mind.

Alyssa hold her Dad close, enjoying the closeness, his special smell in her nose, practically just knowing, that he was back and that he would never leave her again. At least that was what she needed to believe right now, trying to overcome her fears and the feeling of loneliness and just telling herself, that everything was going to be ok again.

"So… there is something we need to talk about" Ryan finally told his daughter, releasing her from his embrace and intensively looking at her, trying to detect, whether she was ready to learn about her new family, but knowing that there was no way he could not tell her.

"Yes?"

"You told me that you always wanted a brother?"

Tears started filling Alyssa's eyes, when she remembered the body of her little brother in the hospital bed. Ryan just pulled her close and comfortingly stroked her back, knowing that she needed time to get over this loss, that it was good for her to cry. After all, she was just a little girl.

When Alyssa wiped off her tears, slowly nodded and thankfully glanced at her Dad, he carefully continued:

"You know that I will always remember Mummy and I will always lover her, don't you?"

The light blonde girl gave her father a surprised and curious glance, nodding sadly, waiting for him to tell her what was going on.

"So… today I learnt something, which will probably change our lives a little bit…. You have met Marissa, haven't you?"

Not waiting for his daughter's reply, he explained:

"Well, Marissa used to be my girlfriend, a long, long time ago. I know we have never talked about it, as it was a very vulnerable point for your Mummy and myself, but we were probably the most complicated couple in Newport 13 years ago. I really loved Marissa and I was sure, she was the one I would spend my life with. But then Marissa broke up with me to become a model and moved away to New York. What I didn't know until today was, that she was pregnant when she left."

Ryan stopped and carefully inspected the reaction of his little girl. Alyssa took a few seconds to think about what her Dad had just said, before her eyes widened and she nervously looked at him, asking:

"Does that mean that... That you have a son with her? That…. that I have a brother?"

The architect nodded, not sure, whether Alyssa's tone implied confusion, happiness or anger. Silence followed, until his daughter blurted out:

"Will you marry Marissa?"

"NO! I mean… I don't know… We have been apart for a very long time; it's all so complicated now… But I want to be a father for Colin, do you understand that? It would be great if you two would get along, as he has always wished for a real family. But we won't force you to do anything you don't like, ok?"

"Ok…."

"So… do you want to meet him?"

Alyssa nodded nervously and swallowed, unable to speak anymore, as a huge lump was forming in her throat. Ryan extended his hand to her and she grabbed it gratefully, jumping off the bed and following her Dad to the living room, her feelings changing from nervousness to curiosity to sadness.

* * *

"Colin, Marissa, why don't you come over here and take a seat" Seth told the two lost looking figures and gestured them to join the family.

"Ok, Colin - this is Kirsten - you know Sandy… to my left, that's my wife Summer, my daughter Cassandra and my son Benjamin" the graphic artist introduced the boy to everyone, before bumping knuckles with Colin and motioning him to sit down next to Cassandra.

Then he made a step forward and extended his hand to Marissa, whom he today had only been talking on the phone with.

The model grinned slightly, before pushing away his hand and wrapping her arms around a surprised Seth.

Embarrassed by her own actions and the strange situation she had created, Marissa then let herself plop onto the couch next to Summer, sighing deeply, turning her head to her best friend, managing to let a small smile appear on her face.

Nobody knew what to say for a while and an awkward silence filled the room, until Summer broke the ice, dryly demanding:

"Seth. Joke. Now!"

"See Colin, I should have taken my Dad's advice and never got married! I'm obviously only here for the comic relief" Seth smirked, before getting up and asking:

"Anyone want something to drink? It seems as our host is currently busy, so I guess I'm having the honour of representing him tonight. Seeing as we're already a few people, this is close to a party in the real O.C.-style, as we all dreaded so much in the past, and as we are in Mr. Atwood-bad-guy-Chino's house, drinks are served with a punch, who wants to start?"

"Seth! That's not funny!" Kirsten interrupted, but couldn't hide her amusement at the sight of a wildly grinning Sandy, and a chuckle escaped her throat, before she started laughing uncontrollably, soon joined by everyone except the kids.

Colin and Cassandra just looked at each other, trying to understand why the adults were breaking out in laughter all of sudden. They didn't know that all they needed was a valve to release the tension, to stop worrying about the future for a moment, stop thinking about how life would be going on with all the tragedy and drama of the last few days, just a quick laugh to remember, that there was still happiness in their lives.

"What is your Dad talking about?" whispered Colin to Cassandra, his eyes expressing confusion and worry.

"Oh, that's a little joke he loves to drop a lot… I guess Ryan wasn't really accepted here in the beginning. So at nearly every O.C. party he punched someone…" Cassandra explained shyly.

"Really?" Colin grinned, somehow finding the fact that his Dad used to punch people rather amusing but mainly cool.

When everyone had expressed their wishes, Seth disappeared with Kirsten to the kitchen, getting them all their drinks as requested.

Soon the adults were chatting lightly, nervously trying to bridge the time until Ryan and Alyssa returned, while Cassandra was with Colin playing Jenga on the floor.

* * *

**A/N: I'm not at all sure about this chapter, so please tell me what me you think…**


	19. Chapter 18

**Discl.: I don't own anything related to the O.C.**

**First I'd like to send all my thoughts and wishes to the people in my country who were evacuated, are homeless and have lost everything to the terrible floods, as well as to the people fighting "Katrina" in the US, my heart is with the relatives of the victims.**

**Second I'd like to thank all my lovely, lovely reviewers who truly keep me writing! Thank you to Leentje, Kym, uscrocks, kursk, smartiepantz, I-believe-in-the-Butterflies (J), jhhhjfjk89, brandyurastar, luvtheOC09, Marissa Atwood, Rainygal, Megan and Rachel.

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**Chapter 18**

The chatter died when Ryan entered the living room, holding a nervous Alyssa on his hand. Only the clicking of the Jenga stones could be heard, until the two children on the floor realised, that something was going on and stopped playing, looking up, spotting father and daughter.

Colin and Cassandra both jumped up, the boy gulped nervously and gave Ryan a quick glance before he shyly inspected his sister.

Nobody spoke, as they didn't know how to introduce the two children to each other.

Ryan's eyes immediately searched Kirsten's glance, wordlessly asking her for help.

But before anyone could think of something to say, Cassandra ran to her best friend and hugged her tightly, taking Alyssa's hand, guiding her over to the dark blonde boy, introducing:

"Alyssa, this is Colin - he's Marissa's son! Colin, this is my best friend Alyssa."

Not waiting for any reply, Seth's daughter continued:

"Guess what, Colin told me, that they moved here, so he will be going to Harbor with us, ain't that cool! You know how we have always wanted a boy to hang with us, we will be the only girls to have a boy in our group and no stupid jerks will make fun of us anymore, I so can't wait to return to school and finally start High school - oh… of course only if you want to hang with us Colin " Seth's daughter rambled, her glance shifting forth and back from Colin to Alyssa.

While Cassandra babbled on, Colin nodded, overwhelmed by the fast and endless talking of the black haired girl. He tried to ignore her, concentrating on the girl that was staring at him, her sparkling blue eyes similar to his own, expressing exactly the same as he was feeling right now, nervousness, anxiety and helplessness. Colin realised, that as the big brother he was now, he had to take matters into his own hands.

The slightly irritated boy reached out and covered the black haired girl's mouth with his hand, forcing her to stop talking. Ignoring the shocked and confused look of Cassandra, he extended his other hand to a reluctant Alyssa, saying:

"I'm Colin…"

Alyssa just stared at the hand in front of her for a second, before she slowly shook it, her eyes shyly searching for his.

"Alyssa…." she whispered, not knowing what else to say, embarrassed about her feelings being exposed in front of all her family. When tears started filling her eyes and a chill went through her body, Colin took one step closer and carefully wrapped his arm around her, hoping she wouldn't pull away, whispering into her ear:

"Wanna talk somewhere else?"

His sister nodded frantically on his shoulder, before taking his hand and starting to run up the stairs with Colin in tow, totally ignoring the stares of the others.

"Hey!" Cassandra called, ready to follow them, when Seth caught her arm, stopping her in her track.

"Dad!" whined the black haired girl, giving her father a hurt glance, her eyes expressing betrayal.

"You gotta give them some time princess, they have a lot to talk about… Colin is Alyssa's half brother, you know?" Seth explained softly to his little girl, comfortingly stroking her hair.

"Holy shit!" Cassandra gasped, creating a moment of shock between the adults, before Sandy sternly replied:

"Language, little lady!"

"I'm sorry Grandpa, but that's crazy! Man! That's so not fair! I will never have a big brother but gotta wait another 10 years until I can show off my brother" she blurted out, crossing her arms over her chest, a sullen expression on her face.

The adults laughed, releasing a little bit of their tension, but still puzzled about the moment of sibling-bonding they had just experienced, which had happened so easily without any of their help.

Marissa got up and walked over to Ryan, shyly reaching for his hand, locking eyes with him and asking:

"Do you think they're alright?"

"I think it's better for them to talk alone…. after all, they're my kids…. and you know how I react to uncovered emotions around people" he smiled half-hearted, squeezing her hand softly.

Pulling away from her he placed himself on an armchair, closing his eyes, sighing deeply, various thoughts circling in his mind, but he was just too exhausted to focus on the family sitting around him.

"So… I believe it's time to come forward Ryan, before all different people will float through the house with condolences during the next few days, we really need to straighten things out, say that we all know the same about what's going on…." Sandy firmly explained, trying to suppress his insecurity regarding the new family formation.

Ryan lifted his head and gave Seth a look, wordlessly asking for his help. Seth just nodded, a small smile appearing on his lips, he could still read his brother like a book.

"Yeah, parents… See, Ryan has recently done a lot of talking, actually enough for him to now stay quiet for at least 6 months" he smirked.

"So I will answer all your questions, with Marissa's help of course, as I have no idea what exactly she promised to get him home and no- Marissa, we do not wanna hear all naughty details!"

Ryan just playfully raised his eyebrow, mocking anger, giving Marissa a reassuring smile, encouraging her to tell the others what had happened. He trusted her judgement enough to be sure, that she would only tell the important things and leave out the matters they still had to sorten out between them.

He closed his eyes when her soft, low voice started telling them what had happened earlier and it did only take a few moments before he doze off, finally letting himself drift in the desperately needed sleep his body had been screaming for.

* * *

Silence filled the room after Alyssa and Colin had been rushing in, closing the door behind themselves with a sigh, before the girl placed herself on her bed, hugging her knees, waiting for her half brother to start talking.

Colin tried to cover up his nervousness and began wandering through the nursery, inspecting the typical girl stuff, taking in the sight of the valley DVD's neatly placed in the shelf before closely examining the family pictures on the commode. Finally he returned to the middle of the room and let himself plop onto the four-poster bed, laying down across the mattress, shyly glancing at the strange girl that was now officially family.

"I'm sorry… about your mum…." Colin said in a low voice, hoping she would not start crying. He always felt helpless at crying girls, unable to give support when he felt uneasy.

"Thanks" Alyssa replied, her eyes wide open and her bottom lip trembling, but she stayed strong, suppressing the tears welling up in her eyes at the thought of her mother.

"How was she… your mum I mean" the boy asked, not trying to be polite, but trying to find a way to connect, trying to get to know the family which he was now part of, interested to know what had happened in the life of his new sister before he came along.

"She… she was my best friend…. besides Cassandra… we could talk about everything and I could ask her anything, she would never lie to me…"

Colin nodded unassertive, his glance wandering back to the commode, stopping at the photo of Alyssa with Ryan and Bernadette, all of them smiling happily into the camera.

"You know, it's weird… if we were two normal siblings, we would be fighting and disagreeing on everything, instead of avoiding to talk about what actually is going on here…." Alyssa whispered, following his view to her photos.

"Straight to the point… you definitely are Ryan's daughter…" Colin smirked half-heartedly, before sitting up and looking directly at the anxious girl.

"I don't know if we will ever be a real family… my mum and your… our Dad… have to figure things out between themselves… I just want you to know that… I'm here if you ever need a brother… if you need to talk, ok? I probably won't have the right answers like your mum used to have, but I believe that we gotta stick together here… besides… I always wanted to have sister to tease…"

Alyssa reacted instantly by reaching out and playfully slapping her brother's arm, slightly grinning, relieved that he had the intention to take this whole awkward situation with humour.

Still amused by the look of Colin's face mocking pain, she didn't notice that he had reached for her pillow until it hit her chest, causing her brother to triumphantly laughing at the surprised and shocked expression on her face.

"Oh boy, you're so gonna die!" she shrieked, before she jumped off her bed and ran to the closet door, which she ripped open, just to reveal a large stock of pillows. Colin's face changed from a big, self-pleasing grin to an expression of disbelief and shock. He hesitated one second too long and already the first pillow hit him across his head, sending him tumbling backwards before falling off the bed with a thud.

Silence filled the room again, Alyssa frozen in shock when no sound of Colin could be heard. The girl waited a few seconds before she forced herself to stop staring at the position where her brother had been sitting a few moments ago, and slowly she began walking around the bed to take a closer look at the motionless body.

"Colin? ...Are you ok? ...Colin? ...can you hear me?" Alyssa whispered when she found her voice back, scared silly at the sight of her brother laying in an up tangled position on the floor, his eyes closed.

The girl knelt herself down next to Colin, softly touching his arm, shaking him gently, a huge lump forming in her throat. Just when she was about to call for her Dad, Colin bolted upright, threw himself on his little sister and started tickling her with a triumphant smirk on his face.

"Got ya!"

"Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" Alyssa cried in between bursts of laughter, caused by the attacks of the boy.

After a few minutes of fighting and tickling they let go of each other and lay spent on the floor, surrounded by all of the girl's stuffed animals, panting deeply.

"I think it's gonna be cool having you around…." Alyssa finally revealed, turning her head and shyly smiling at Colin

"Yeah, I never thought girls could be so much fun" Colin smirked, gently squeezing his sister's hand, knowing that this was a good start for something he had been wising for all of his life.

* * *

Ryan woke up to the sound of soft chatter from the kitchen, unable to remember how he had ended up on the couch. Looking around he inspected the blanket laying on the floor, a second glance over his body made him realise that he was only wearing his boxers and a wifebeater. His head felt surprisingly clear and the exhaustion of the last few days had been replaced by still sorrow for Bernadette and David, but also by hope that his future was not useless anymore, with Marissa and Colin willing to be part of the family.

The architect sat up, rubbed his eyes and tried to find out, what he had missed last night. He remembered the long talks at the hospital with Colin and Marissa, the ride home, the discussion with Alyssa and finally the first encounter of his two children. But the rest of the evening was blurry in his memory and he figured, that he must have been passed out.

Seeing as there were no clothes detectable in the living room, he got up and started walking towards the kitchen, expecting to find Sandy and Kirsten having breakfast with Alyssa.

Ryan froze when he walked through the alley way and spotted Alyssa and Colin sitting next to each other at the counter, each a mug of coffee in front of them, picking at their bowls of cereals, laughing quietly, obviously aware of his sleep-over on the couch.

He retreated back to the living room and silently observed them chatting and laughing, blissfully enjoying that his two children had found a connection and were getting along great. It made him happy that Alyssa could laugh again, after everything she had gone through the last few days. Now that he was finally able to think clear again, he decided to take one step a time, coming clear about his own feelings, saying goodbye to Bernadette and David and to finally start enjoying that he had a son and a daughter now, that he had some kind of family, normality back. Once again he wondered where his desperate need for family came from. After everything he had experienced with his own flesh and blood, could it be possible that the Cohen's had turned him around the few years he had been living in their house as one of them?

Ryan flinched when Marissa entered the kitchen from the opposite door, smiling at the kids, gently running her hand over Colin's head who turned away quickly, embarrassed to be caressed by his mum in front of a girl. Smirking at her son, Marissa turned to Alyssa and gave her a quick hug, before also tenderly stroking her hair. Ryan watched the scene in the kitchen with amazement, feared to disturb the three of them and cause an awkward tension.

Realising, that this was his new family, that this were the people he wanted to be together with for the rest of his life, his heart was filled with love and thankfulness for the higher power that was obviously following a plan with his life, turning horrific experiences into wonderful new challenges. The ringing sound of the door bell sent goose-bumps down his back. Immediately the bad feeling in his gut returned, fearing that who ever was at the door meant bad news.

The architect didn't even bother to dress but sprinted to the door and opened it quickly, ready to face any new test without fear, knowing that he would get through everything with the newly united family having his back.

His face fell at the sight of the woman standing outside, sunglasses covering her eyes, her face pale, her hands slightly shaking.

"Hey boy…."

"Dawn…"

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**ok, hope you all like it, next update should be up sooner**


	20. Chapter 19

**discl. I don't own anything...**

**Amazing feedback again, and here I thought I'm losing you guys... ;-) thanks to kursk, brandyurastar, Leentje, Rainygal, Kym, I-believe-in-the-Butterflies (J), jhhhhjfjk89, newportbeachbabe and smartiepantz. I love you all so much!**

**Chapter 19**

"Gosh, it's good I'm here, you're a mess!" Dawn gasped after shortly inspecting her son. Without hesitating she rushed past Ryan, avoiding any body contact, closed the door behind herself and took off her sunglasses, which she placed on the commode in the foyer, checking herself in the mirror.

With a sigh Ryan trotted into the living room, wondering what she was up to. When Marissa came walking out of the kitchen to see who had answered the door, she caught sight of Ryan and flashed him a happy smile, inspecting him from head to toe.

"Slept well?"

"Yeah, thanks… seems I've lost my clothes though…" Ryan replied amused, again looking around to find something to dress.

"Kirsten threw them into the laundry, I guess you had been wearing the same things for quite some time... Is it possible to keep up the same style over 13 years!"

"I guess some things never change…" the architect sighed with a nod to the woman standing in the foyer.

Marissa followed his look and watched the strange woman silently. Somehow she had the feeling that she had seen this woman before, but it didn't ring any bells. Shrugging she returned her glance to Ryan, tilting her head to the side, showing him that she had no idea who was standing just a few meters away from her.

Before he could answer Alyssa entered the living room with Colin, carrying Ryan's bathrobe and grinning cheekily at him.

"Morning sleepyhead!" she exclaimed cheery, but Ryan still noted the hidden sadness in her eyes.

She handed him the bathrobe, which he put on immediately, feeling slightly embarrassed by his appearance in front of the children.

"Don't ya wanna hug your grandma?" Dawn could suddenly be heard, emerging from the entrance hall, extending her arms to the girl.

"Dawn…" Alyssa lamely mocked joy, a shiver running through her body.

She slowly walked up to Dawn and embraced her reluctantly, turning her head away from the older woman's face to avoid feeling sick of her boozy breath.

"Who's your little friend?" Dawn then asked while holding Alyssa one arm length away from herself, not feeling comfortable with any body contact. She hated the whole hugging thing, but she knew when she had to pull an act.

"That's Colin… my brother" Alyssa triumphantly told her, expectantly looking at Dawn.

Ryan's mother nearly choked at the words of the girl, throwing her a mad glance but didn't say anything before turning to her son, hissing:

"Told ya she's cheating on ya Ry!"

"Watch it Dawn" Ryan dangerously replied, his voice husky and full of suppressed rage. "Colin's Marissa's son" he continued, pointing to the model next to him.

"Maybe you remember her from the Casino night, the day before you left me!" he hissed, his blue eyes dark and provoking.

Colin and Marissa stood helpless at the scene in front of them, not exactly knowing what had happened between mother and son. Alyssa finally released herself from her grandmother's grip and walked back to her Dad, taking his hand, forcing him to look at her.

"Dad, Grandma and Granddad will be here soon. The obituary is out today… Maybe you should take a shower and get dressed…" his daughter reminded him softly.

Ryan blinked twice to pull himself out of the trance he had been in, absorbing what Alyssa told him. Then he nodded, threw Dawn one last glance and started walking up the stairs to the bedroom, trying to block out all thoughts towards his mother.

"Maybe you two get dressed as well" Marissa told Colin and Alyssa after a few moments of silence.

Although he had never seen that woman before and despite realising that she was obviously Ryan's biological mother and thus his grandmother, Colin hated Dawn on the spot. The way she had been talking to Alyssa and his Dad she showed no respect nor real interest in their lives, she hadn't even told them that she was sorry for their loss.

He nodded to his mum and gently took Alyssa's hand, leading her upstairs to her room.

"Can I get you something to drink, Mrs. Atwood?" the model asked when the children had left, knowing that she was facing a difficult situation. Ryan had never mentioned that his mother was back in his life again and after their encounter a few moments ago Marissa figured, that they still hadn't made up.

"D'you think that's your house, you sleazy little bitch" the older woman replied fuming, obviously looking for trouble.

But she was wrong, if she thought Marissa was easy to handle. The model stepped up to the mother of Ryan, looking directly into her blue, bleary eyes, before she spat:

"Don't you dare, you old scarecrow! You think you can come here and drag Ryan down with you in this moment of weakness where he needs all the support he can get? Listen, if you don't pull yourself together and try to at least act as if you care about the loss of his wife, I will personally call the police and let you deport from this house before I will request a restraining order. I doubt Sandy Cohen would refuse to help me in this case. Am I understood!"

Dawn was for the first time in a very long time speechless and just stared at Marissa, not believing that this tall, slim model was able to develop such a resolute and aggressive manner.

The blonde woman nodded her head, hiding her fury, realising that she needed to talk to Ryan in private, without all the people around who made him weak. She needed to remind him where they came from and who true family was, trying to convince him that she was back for good. Her desperate need for money had grown over the last few years and she knew, now that his wife was dead there was a fair chance of her moving in with him to finally get hold of that money he had been making.

The door bell disturbed the trial of strength between the two females. Both took one step back and turned their heads to the entrance. Before either of them could react the children came running down the stairs, racing each other towards the door. Colin arrived first, but just stood there until Alyssa was just inches away, before he ripped open the door to reveal the Cohen's standing outside.

Alyssa couldn't stop in time and flew past a laughing Colin right into the arms of Kirsten, who hugged her tightly, running her hand through the long, dark blonde hair of her granddaughter.

"Good morning sunshine!" Sandy laughed meanwhile, tousling the girl's hair before he stepped into the house, greeting Colin with a manly pad on the shoulder.

Kirsten and Alyssa followed closely behind to make room for the other Cohen family members who were pushing the buggy of Benjamin up the driveway.

When Cassandra had joined Colin and Alyssa they all disappeared to the girl's room, knowing that the adults had to discuss a lot and also fearing that all the Newpsies who were expected to arrive soon would just be too much to handle.

Sandy and Kirsten immediately sensed the tension filling the room, shooting each other a knowing glance before walking over to the two woman standing in the middle of the living room.

"Hey Dawn" Kirsten said while extending her hand to the blonde female, her eyes remaining distant.

"Hey guys… I'm gonna go and get Ryan" Marissa quickly explained, happy to escape the difficult situation.

The model rushed up the stairs and released her breath when she was out of sight, trying to shake off the rage that had been building inside of her. Looking around she wondered behind which door the bedroom of Ryan was located.

Hearing laughter of children she passed the first room and walked on. Marissa was just about the knock on the next door when she thought she heard the shattering of glass. Anticipating that Ryan would lock himself in if she knocked, the model slowly opened the door and peered inside.

The lamellae were half closed but Marissa instantly saw the shards laying scattered over the floor. Her eyes wandered through the room until she detected a now dressed Ryan, who was standing in front of a commode, on which the family photos and some porcelain animals were placed. Not aware of her presence, the adult reached for a little china bird and observed it closely, before clenching his teeth and throwing it against the wall where it shattered into thousand pieces, shards flying through the room, landing on the furniture and the floor. The model flinched and gasped loudly in shock, signalling Ryan that he was not alone anymore. Turning around he gave Marissa one of his looks she knew so well, while tears silently streamed down his cheeks. Realising that she was holding her breath Marissa exhaled, before closing the door behind herself and carefully walking over to the desperate man. She softly grabbed his hand and gently led him to the bed, inspected it shortly for shards, before she nodded satisfied and made the architect sit down. Ryan didn't speak and didn't resist her, his glance fixed on the floor, silent tears still welling up in his eyes.

Marissa wordlessly knelt down in front of him, placing her hands on his thighs, before lifting her head and directly staring into the beautiful blue eyes of her son's father.

"It's ok to grieve…"

"I never learnt to…" Ryan whispered.

"So you thought you'd do it Chino-way" Marissa smiled lightly, squeezing his thigh softly.

"No… I just… the room is so empty without her… it feels so lonely… the silence makes me furious…"

"Why furious?"

"Furious at myself for not being able to grieve with my daughter…. furious at Bernadette for leaving me alone… furious at the whole world for continuing to exist while my world is shattering…"

"That's totally normal Ryan… it is ok to be angry…" Marissa soothed.

"But once you have let off steam by smashing china you should think about the time you could spend with Bernadette, remember the happy times… it is important to keep the spirit of your wife alive inside of you… in a good way… do you know what I mean?"

Marissa could see Ryan's teeth clenching, his jaw tense and his eyes fixed on the model. Finally he nodded slowly, his face softening, his dark blue eyes regaining some sparkles.

"I miss her so much…"

"I know…"

The model got up from the ground and placed herself next to the architect, pulling him near, just holding him, hoping to give him comfort.

"Thank you…" finally Ryan mumbled, pulling away from the woman next to him.

"For what?"

"Being here… helping me through this…" Ryan replied, before deeply inhaling and softly telling her:

"Maybe… that's a sign…"

"Sign for what?" Marissa answered, confused about the tension she suddenly felt, the way Ryan looked at her. He hadn't been looking at her like this since… since they had been dating 13 years ago…

"You saving me… Emotionally, not by weapon" he slightly grinned. "That's new… Maybe that's the turn in our relationship…."

Slowly Marissa realised where he was going, what he was trying to say and she just stared at him with wide open eyes.

"I know I'm supposed to be grieving at least another year… you know the Newpsies… but I want to have you in my life, to have Colin around… I will never forget Bernadette and I will always remember her when I look at Alyssa… but I don't wanna lose another 13 years… will you and Colin move in with us…?"

Suddenly the door was ripped open and Colin and Alyssa came running in but froze at the darkness of the room.

The adults jumped up and gestured towards the children, screaming:

"Don't come near, stay where you are!"

Alyssa scanned the room and nodded knowingly when she identified the shards on the floor, before she lifted her head and directly looked into the eyes of her father, searching for the sight of tears.

The adults carefully walked over to the children, where Ryan picked up Alyssa, while Marissa led Colin out of the room, closing the door behind them.

Alyssa hugged her father tenderly, placing her head on his shoulder, mumbling:

"Can I show you something in my room?"

Ryan gently ran his hand over her head and walked towards the girl's nursery. Inside he placed her on the floor, while noting that Colin and Marissa had followed them. Alyssa wandered to the closet and opened it, reaching for a box hidden in the corner.

The dark blonde girl pulled it out and dragged it across the room to where the others were standing. Colin sensed her uneasiness and joined her, helping her push the heavy box through the room, curious to see what was inside.

Ryan and Marissa had in the meantime placed themselves on Alyssa's bed and watched the two kids working together, secretly exchanging a look of gladness, while Marissa grabbed for Ryan's hand.

Finally the two children had arrived at the bed and Colin joined the two adults on the bed, all three expectantly looking at the youngest Atwood family member.

When Alyssa opened the box, Ryan gasped, before he let himself slip off the bed and knelt down next to his daughter, carefully inspecting the content of the carton.

Reaching for the different toys he examined every single one, realising that Alyssa had obviously tortured every doll, action figure and stuffed animal.

"Those were toys Mum had bought me or I had chosen to give my little brother once he was born… I was so angry at them for leaving me that I threw them against the wall and garbled them…." the 11 year old girl explained in a low voice.

Ryan wordlessly pulled his daughter into his arms, embracing her tenderly, once again amazed about the similarities between them.

Colin silently got up and peered inside the box, before pulling out a figure from his pocket, giving it a little stare, before handing it over to his sister.

"Here… that's my favourite action figure… Kid Chino… maybe you want to start a new collection…"

Alyssa looked at Colin with tears in her eyes, before reaching out and taking the little toy from his hand, giving him a happy smile, thanking him with a nod.

Marissa proudly stroked her son's hair, smiling sweetly at the two siblings.

The moment of happiness and peace between the newly united family was destroyed by a scream and the sound of shattering glass from downstairs, followed by loud words from Sandy.

Ryan threw Marissa a glance before he got up and told the kids:

"You two stay here, Marissa and myself will be downstairs, we will get you when the visitors are gone, ok?"

Alyssa recognised the tone in her father's voice and knew that he was serious. She nodded her head and lightly pushed Colin's side, implying to do the same. The boy reluctantly nodded, slightly annoyed to miss the drama.

Satisfied, Ryan got up and took Marissa's hand, guiding her outside, before taking a deep breath and walking down the stairs hand in hand with the model.

* * *

**A/N: The story is slowly coming to an end, so the drama is getting less, as I try to bring all the lose ends to an ending... it's late and I'm talking crap, sorry if I disappoint anyone...**


	21. Chapter 20

**Discl. I don't own anything of the O.C.**

**First I wanna thank the awesome Rainygal for destroying my worries and giving her approval for the next chapter, thanks honey! The reason why I originally started this fic was because of the one scene in this chapter. And yes, I think it was worth writing 20 chapters as build up! ;-)**

**Second, thank you to ALL the reviewers! I was so overwhelmed by your kind messages, thank you! Individually, thanks go to Leentje, liz (sorry, won't get any better in this chapter...), gissipgrl11593, I-believe-in-the-butterflies (J), iluvryan, kursk, Kym, Rainygal (again), ryan91, Maygan, brandyurastar, zoarbasketball, Kelly76, kitotterkat, MeganAlyce15, ocfan223, smartiepantz and GalootMaster!**

**Enjoy!

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**Chapter 20**

When Ryan and Marissa reached the ground floor they surveyed the scene and saw that already a few people had arrived, standing in the living room, eating snacks and drinking whine Summer and Seth were serving.

In order to avoid any problems for the Atwood's Marissa instantly let go of Ryan's hand when she realised that Dawn was nowhere to be seen, praying that the rest of Newport hadn't noticed and would not start gossiping about their relationship, at least not until the service had been held.

As Sandy's voice could not be heard anymore, the shattering of glass had stopped and Sandy, Kirsten and Dawn were not in the living room, Ryan guessed the situation was under control and decided to take care of this problem later.

He quickly turned his head and thanked Marissa with a faint smile, before walking up to the different visitors, thanking them for coming and receiving expressions of deepest sympathy. Clenching his jaw when he noticed the curious stares with which the model hiding in the background was inspected, he reminded himself to stay calm. After all, this was Newport, and despite the sorrow of loosing one of their own kind, a widower meant nothing else than a rich, handsome bachelor added to the town's prey.

By finishing the round already 30 minutes had passed and he had still not heard any further words from Sandy or Dawn. Ryan was just about to wander to his office to check whether they were inside, when Seth came walking up to him and softly touched his shoulder.

"Got a minute Ryan?"

The architect was inwardly amused at his brother's choice of words. Seth wouldn't usually call him Ryan, he would use either bro, brother, buddy, my man or similar, which made it rather strange to be called by his actual name, he had to confess. Obviously the presence of the Newpsies was not only tensing himself up.

"Sure" he replied and followed his foster brother outside, passing a few chatting women who gave him a look of sympathy before continuing to gossip about the latest scandal. As they made their way towards the pool house, Ryan asked Seth in a low voice:

"What happened?"

"Your mother-"

"Dawn" Ryan interrupted.

"Dawn" Seth corrected himself, giving his best friend an excusatory side glance before he continued.

"She accused Mum and Dad of keeping her away from 'her family' and of corrupting you against her. When Dad questioned her he found out that she has rented out the apartment you are paying for and is currently living with some boyfriend of the day and that she has already made plans to move in with you. And before you ask why she was so talkative… she already emptied half a bottle of Scotch, which was what she shattered in an outburst of fury…"

Ryan just nodded, silently clenching his fists, trying to swallow the rage that was simmering inside of him.

The pool house, which the architect had built at the end of the garden, was of course besides the pool, but the entrance was on the opposite side to the mansion. He remembered clearly how awkward it had been to smuggle Marissa past his foster parents' sight with their bedroom window right across the pool.

Outside the small building Sandy was standing with his arms wrapped around his wife, who was leaning against him, both silently watching the ocean.

Enjoying the peaceful sight of the Cohen's when he and Seth approached; Ryan softly patted Sandy's shoulder once they had reached them and said:

"Hey guys… thanks for coming"

The parents simultaneously turned their heads and greeted their foster son with a sad smile. Kirsten pulled away from Sandy and draw Ryan into a tight hug, lightly kissing his cheek.

"How are you holding up sweetie?"

"Been better…." he confessed, his eyes not giving away how much he missed his late wife.

The retired lawyer softly squeezed his boys' shoulder while Kirsten held him close, needing his comforting touch as much as he needed it, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Dawn wants to talk to you privately. I don't really think it's a good idea though…" Kirsten explained, automatically stroking Ryan's arm, calming him down.

Ryan nodded and gave her a weak smile, trying to figure out what his mother wanted this time.

"Listen son, we just wanted to say we're sorry… We should have told you earlier about Dawn and about Bernadette's plans… She definitely is a pain in the ass – hey" Sandy exclaimed when his wife nudged his side severely.

"No Kirsten, Sandy's right. She doesn't belong here today, but I'm gonna deal with her like I dealt with her before…" Ryan sighed, glancing through the windows of the pool house, spotting his mother sitting on the bed, trying to ignore what was going on outside.

"Yeah well, if you don't want to deal with her today, I'm gladly gonna take over and personally throw her out of your house" Sandy continued, not hiding his fury.

Ryan gave the lawyer a surprised look, figuring that Dawn had been on a roll; he hadn't seen his guardian so angry and protective for a long time. He couldn't help but notice the expressions on his foster parents' faces. Sadness, of course, but also tension, anger and most of all, care. And it clicked. His system registered their concern for him and unconsciously his mind knew that the last straw had been pulled.

Gritting his teeth the architect turned around to his brother and asked:

"Seth, could you do me a favour and please take care of the guests for a while?"

Ryan watched Seth nodding before he added in a low voice

"Thanks…And please make sure the kids stay where they are…."

When Seth was gone, Ryan stepped inside the building without knocking, gesturing Sandy and Kirsten to follow him, before inspecting the room and closing the door behind them.

Dawn was sitting in a corner of the bed, her hands shaking slightly, her eyes shooting furious glances from Sandy to Kirsten. The Cohen's placed themselves on two chairs in front of the bed, holding hands as to give each other strength. Ryan sensed the tension that was filling the small room and his blue eyes narrowed at the sight of his mother, being immediately thrown back into his childhood, remembering their encounters when she was sobering up. But this time it was different, he wanted it to be different.

After seeing Kirsten struggling through Rehab, fighting against relapses and finally overcoming her alcohol addiction he realised, that it was not his fault Dawn had never managed to stay sober. It would have changed nothing if he had not been taken in by the Cohen's but stayed with his mother for another few years until he'd either ended up in jail like the rest of the family or on his own again. He was not responsible for her drinking and he was certainly not the reason she kept on drinking. Dawn didn't even consider Rehab when he was still living with her and never even made the effort to stay clean once he helped her with his own money.

All she ever did was judging him on how he had abandoned her, given up on her, although he clearly remembered that it had been the other way round. Bernadette had never known the old Dawn, never seen for herself how Ryan had felt when she left him for good, surrendering all responsibilities for her own son to a random woman who happened to have enough money.

But now with Marissa back in his life, who had in the past comforted him many times after he woke up next to her, drenched in sweat, feeling worthless and lonely upon the abandonment of his mother, he was sure he could do it, knowing that she would have his back. Ryan felt finally strong enough to do what in his opinion should have been done 15 years ago. He was determined to ban Dawn Atwood from his life forever.

Ryan walked over to the mini bar, opened it wordlessly and grabbed a beer out of it, enjoying the cool breeze and the feeling of the cold bottle in his hands. Glancing over to Dawn he asked emotionless:

"How's your alcohol level Dawn? Are you able to have a serious talk with us or do you need a beer to hold up?"

"Stop calling me Dawn, damn it!" his mother yelled out in frustration, her hands shaking even more vigorously.

"One beer coming" Ryan muttered under his breath, not reacting to her outburst, before shifting his glance over to the Cohen's, asking them with one of his looks if they wanted anything out of the fridge.

"We'll have an orange juice Sweetie" Kirsten answered for both of them, thanking her son with a quick smile.

Walking back around the counter Ryan first handed Sandy and Kirsten each a bottle of orange juice before he extended a beer to Dawn who took it with a slightly craving expression on her face, quaffing it instantly.

Ryan was grateful when Sandy rose to speak while he placed himself on an empty chair next to the window, gathering his thoughts.

"So Dawn, Ryan's here now, what did you want to talk about?"

"I told you already, I'm only speaking to my son privately!"

"I have nothing to hide from Kirsten and Sandy" Ryan blurted out, his pulse already rising again.

Dawn inspected him intensively before she realised that he was serious and that there was no way of reversing his decision. She quickly threw the Cohen's another furious look before giving the now empty beer bottle a regretful glance, thirstily licking her lips.

"Ryan honey, I still believe that leaving you in the custody of the Cohen's all these years ago was the best decision for all of us. But if I had known that you would turn yourself against me I had taken you with me…"

"Yeah, like I would believe you…." Ryan grumbled, his eyes dark and dangerous.

"You better believe me, I am your fucking mother for god's sake!"

"Didn't stop you from lying the whole fucking time in the past!" he replied instantly, not sure how to again deal with all the shit she threw at him. But maybe it was time to finally cut off all strings and try to move on, to start his new life with Alyssa, Colin and Marissa after settling with his haunting past once and for all.

"What's your problem, spoiled brat! Ain't I fucking good enough for you anymore?" the older woman screamed, rising from the bed and shakily walking towards her son, pointing at him.

Ryan got up before she reached him, taking hold of her wrists and directing her back to the bed, where he roughly made her sit down again, ignoring her squirming. He then took two steps back and looked at Dawn, who was sitting helplessly fuming on the bed. And again, at the sight of the old, spent woman, it clicked. Suddenly all emotions vanished from his face and his eyes. Taking a deep breath he told her in an even voice:

"You are upsetting me no longer…. Because nothing you could ever say has an impact on me anymore… Yes, you may have given birth to me, but that's it… you have lost all your rights towards me and my life long ago. Jesus, how many times did I try to get my whole fucking family back on track, give you chances over chances to prove that you are worth it? None of you even cared to try… Yes, there were times when I thought family is bound to love each other eternally… But I've come to understand that despite being connected by blood, it takes much more to earn my love…"

Ryan stopped and gave Kirsten and Sandy a glance, a soft smile playing slightly on his lips. Dawn was speechless once again and just looked open-mouthed at the grown man in front of her, who she used to know as her son.

Inhaling deeply, Ryan continued after a few seconds, slowly pacing the room while talking.

"When I was a kid, I really thought you cared about me… That in times when you were sober, you wanted us to be a family, wanted us to work. But you managed to destroy all tiny hopes of us kids, dragging us down even further the next time you got pissed. I have made mistakes in my life and not everything turned out the way I hoped, but I at least tried to respect the people around me and that's more than I can say for you… Seeing as you are trying to drag me down again, in a moment like this, it is clear that you don't respect me, my life or the life of my family. For god's sake, my wife just died and you didn't even have the decent respect to condole myself or Alyssa!"

Ryan placed himself on the armrest of Kirsten's chair, taking his foster mother's hand into his, squeezing it gently.

His glance shifted back to the woman on the bed and with an even, soft voice he said:

"Dawn, I want you to leave and never come back. If you ever try to come near me or my family again, I am going to issue a restraining order, hell I will even put you in jail if it's necessary. We are gonna leave now, but when I come back in an hour, I want you to be gone. I have tried my best with you, but now I'm just exhausted. I am not responsible for you anymore, have actually never been. There is nothing left for us to say…"

Getting up he turned himself towards the two people who had been looking out for him, had taken care of a lost boy such a long time ago and had showed him, what real family and real love is. He didn't doubt for one second that he would've never been able to love Marissa or Bernadette the way he did, love his kids in such a devotional way without Kirsten and Sandy as role models. Their relationship and upbringing, their self-sacrificing love for each other and their children had made him the man he was today.

"Mum… Dad…. let's go…." He softly said, his deep, blue eyes expressing fear and nervousness on some level, but also hope, that he was doing the right thing.

The eyes of Kirsten and Sandy widened instantly, but they knew better than to celebrate this most special moment in front of Dawn. They got up wordlessly and followed Ryan outside without looking at his biological mother, holding each other close, asking themselves, what had happened to make Ryan take the one last step they had doubted he'd ever take.

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**A/N: out it is... what do you think?**


	22. Chapter 21 & Epilogue

**Discl. I don't own anything related to the O.C.**

**I wanna apologize for my last update, guess a few of you thought the story was finished, sorry for this misunderstanding and me being not very clear about it. Secondly, IT'S DONE! This is officially the end of "a new hope".**

**Thanks to everyone for sticking with me since I started posting, I love you all guys and I promise I keep writing. Thank you's for the feedback for the last chapter go to Leentje, Kursk, Rainygal, smartiepanz, SVOC Luva, bashanbrunka, zoarbasketball, I-believe-in-the-butterflies (J), Kym, luvtheoc09, Galoot Master, brandyurastar and Kelly76, you really are the best!**

**Finally, thank you cheekymice for beta-ing – I owe you big time honey!

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**Chapter 21**

Stepping out of the pool house into a perfectly sunny morning, the three adults felt as if the sun was shining even brighter than before. They silently walked over to the house, leaving the small building and the memories of Ryan's past behind, letting them fade away with each step they made towards the mansion.

Kirsten's blue eyes sparkled with unshed tears while Sandy stayed unusually quiet, waiting for Ryan to speak.

"I'm sorry…"

"Sorry for what honey?" Kirsten asked startled, holding her breath, scared that he regretted his latest step, only intending to hurt his mother by calling them his parents and now determined to take it back.

"Sorry it took me so long…" Ryan mumbled, fighting to keep his poise.

Sandy wordlessly pulled his boy into his arms, stroking his back while a single tear made its way down his cheek.

Kirsten waited impatiently next to them, taking in the sight of father and son with feelings of pride, happiness and relieve in her heart. How many times had she discussed with her husband, pondered and reflected, wondered if Ryan would ever be able to fully open his heart for them, showing them that he _felt_ as their son.

Sadness overcame her at the thought of Bernadette. She had often talked about this topic with her daughter-in-law, discussing why it was so hard for Ryan to finally commit himself to the Cohen family with all his heart.

Bernadette didn't have any family left when she met Ryan and was therefore very reluctant to let anybody close again. But Ryan's brooding charm, his tender nature, the way he cared about her, never expecting her to fully open up on the first date, sharing a distance both appreciated and needed, made Bernadette fall hard and deep for the architect.

"Honey?" Kirsten was drawn out of her thoughts, flinching slightly as Sandy touched her shoulder.

"Everything ok?"

"Sure, I was just… thinking about Bernadette…" Kirsten confessed, feeling fresh tears welling up in her eyes.

Ryan softly pulled her close and stroked her back, a huge lump forming in his throat.

"It's ok… mum…."

This single word made Kirsten just cry even harder and Ryan threw Sandy a helpless glance, unsure as how to react to the sudden break down of his foster mother.

"Granny, you ok?"

All three were startled by the tiny voice of an anxious Alyssa who had come up behind them.

"I'm fine angel, don't worry"

Kirsten lowered herself to the ground and hugged her granddaughter, wiping away the tears that filled her eyes again at Alyssa's sight, representing a perfect image of Bernadette.

"Mum, you're ok?"

Seth and Summer now also appeared outside, arm in arm, Seth holding Benjamin tenderly to his chest, Cassandra strolling behind them, followed by Marissa and Colin.

Kirsten got up and wrapped her arm around Sandy, leaning against his side and letting him tenderly kiss her forehead, before turning to the newly arrived family members.

"We're all fine, don't worry…. So, where are the guests?"

"I scared them all off!" Marissa explained evenly, but not able to fully hide the smile playing in the corners of her mouth.

"Way to go, Cosmo Girl!" Seth grinned, playfully nudging her side.

"Shut up Cohen!" Marissa replied, barely holding herself from tickling him despite Benjamin on his arms.

"So seriously, where are the guests?" Ryan asked, ignoring the two of them, not able to already let his sorrow replace by light banter.

"Seriously dude, Marissa told them to leave and the obeyed! It was awesome, Cosmo girl in the flesh! It must only be a matter of time until my superpowers are finally gonna surface, I'm in desperate need of them anyway, I'm living with Little Miss Vixen!"

Seth ducked just in time to avoid being hit by a pissed looking Summer, but obviously he had fulfilled his target of distracting the kids from the depression and mourning visible on the adults faces.

"Uhm… Seth? Will you ever write about the children of Kid Chino und Cosmo Girl?"

Everyone turned around to look at Colin, who was shyly glancing between Seth, Marissa and Ryan, unsure as to whether he had crossed the line. His parents were saved from an answer when Cassandra interjected furiously.

"Hey! Before my Dad will write about Kid's cosmic blatherskite he first draws the valley kin girls, 'cos that's what he promised us for years!"

She glanced angrily at Colin and pulled Alyssa near to demonstrate who she was talking about.

When Colin snorted with laughter it was only a matter of time for the kids to develop a friendly argument, resulting in racing each other laughing and teasingly through the garden. The adults meanwhile walked into the house, in desperate need of a coffee and something to eat after another eventful morning. Alyssa und Cassandra soon followed their parents, mocking anger as they had failed to catch the older boy.

Thus only Colin caught sight of the blonde woman who stood at the end of driveway, ready to climb into the waiting taxi. She turned around and the boy could see tears streaming down her stony face. She waved slightly to him, and although he certainly was not Dawn's biggest fan, he choked at the lost and desperate look on the woman's face. Colin raised his hand and gestured a slight goodbye, realising that she was obviously leaving for good.

The dark blonde boy watched the taxi drive down the street and fade in the distance, before he turned around and slowly walked to the house, wondering what had happened between Ryan and his mother to leave her so broken-hearted, resulting in her leaving without a goodbye. Shrugging he though then shook off the image of Dawn, reflecting that Ryan would tell him when he felt the time was right.

Colin opened the French window and stepped inside, walking straight into the kitchen, where his ear detected laughter and chatter coming from. Stopping at the entrance he silently watched the scene in front of him for a few moments, feeling butterflies dancing in his stomach, but still his mind was clear and his heart was over floating with happiness.

Sandy and Kirsten were talking to Cassandra, obviously discussing, why having a little brother was not something to be angry about. Summer and Seth were busy with talking to and playing with Benjamin who was chortling words no other human being could understand. In between Seth still found time to ramble about his latest idea for a comic based on the children of the "atomic county" superhero's, implying that life had created a much better story than he could've ever thought of. Colin watched Ryan who was with one ear listening to Seth's babbling, his eyes though fixed on the two females sitting on the table. Marissa was quietly talking to Alyssa, while braiding her long, dark blonde hair to a pigtail. The boy realised, that Ryan could see his past, present and future life combined in the sight of the two. When Ryan unconsciously filled coffee into a large mug with the name BERNADETTE in capital letters written on it, a sad smile flashed over his face, remembering the mornings he had spent talking to his wife while drinking coffee out of their hand made mugs, realising that those time were over and were never coming back. Colin watched Ryan as he emptied the mug and cleaned it manually, before he placed it on the ledge, keeping it as memorabilia. The sadness in his father's eyes made Colin realise, that he still had a long way ahead to overcome the sorrow for his wife, but that it would be ok someday.

Gratefully to have finally found his place in life, the people he wanted to have around to grow up, Colin joined his family in the kitchen, knowing that nothing could ever come between them anymore.

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**EPILOGUE**

The drive home after work seemed recently to get longer and longer, Ryan pondered while passing the new cinema complex downtown. At least he was now used to see the faces of his kids staring down the poster hanging above the entrance of the movie theatre. It had taken them quite some energy and time to convince him to agree to Seth's craziest plan.

After having written the long promised sequel to "atomic county", starring their kids as superhero's, events had come thick and fast.

Critics and fans had been overjoyed by the outcome of Kid Chino's and Cosmic Girl's connection, especially after the launch of the big promo tour, on which they announced that the plotline and the kids were written after a real story and real people.

Nobody had thought that this graphic novel would actually get so much attention, but after some digging of the journalists it became soon pretty clear, who the kids featured in the comic were. Ryan was fairly happy to have Marissa around who was rather experienced with this whole celebrity thing. He was glad that he could keep himself in the background, observing every step and every decision made involving his children, but mainly leaving matters in Seth's hands.

When everything had calmed down after a few months, it had thus come as a surprise to him, when Colin and Alyssa had approached him with Seth's newest plan. Despite his brother's distaste for comic's made into blockbuster movies, he was obviously unable to turn down the offer to bring his latest novel to the big screen, as it included the option to write the script himself.

And of course he wouldn't be Seth if he hadn't taken the time to make a plan, whose execution was planned and arranged for weeks until he finally allowed everyone involved to start the so-called "persuasion of Kid Chino". Ryan had not the faintest doubt that there actually existed an at least 20 pages long script, stating all necessary steps and things to undertake in order for him to agree to the picturisation.

Of course Ryan had agreed in the end and also suggested to build a new cinema complex at Newport, implying to have the world premier right there, making it even more special as the whole theatre was built after the combined ideas of Seth and the kids.

That had been a few months ago, but now school had started again and although Ryan and Marissa had not been happy about their children's insistence to continue to go to Harbour, they had finally agreed, giving in to their criterion of not wanting to split up and lose their friends.

Ryan glanced over to the passenger seat where his briefcase was laying; reminding him of the papers he had received today. Marissa would be thrilled to finally sign them, not to mention Alyssa who had been very supportive to the idea once the model had come up with it.

He pulled his car left and took the last meters of the driveway before stopping in front of the garage, turning off the engine and climbing out of the car.

Ryan realised that the flowers at the entrance had been changed and he inspected the work for a few moments, taking in the sight of fresh roses. At the thought of the waiting woman inside a smile crept over his face, so he opened the door and stepped inside. As every day when he came home, he first threw a glance over to the picture with the black frame on the wall, showing Bernadette and Alyssa smiling happily.

Placing his keys on the commode Ryan pulled off his coat and hung it into the closet, before taking the briefcase and walking over to the den. It amazed him every day anew at how real it was, that the picture he had been having inside his head for 15 years straight, had now actually came to life.

His deep blue eyes sparkled at the sight of Marissa standing at the bar, one hand on her back the other on her stomach, sweat on her forehead. Even or maybe by reason of her swollen stomach, he believed that she looked even more beautiful than without being pregnant. Ryan spotted Colin and Marissa sitting at the table, obviously doing their homework, while Carla was cooking dinner in the kitchen.

"Dad, you're home!" Alyssa exclaimed when she caught sight of Ryan standing at the doorway, observing the usual family evening routine.

Ryan just smiled and wandered over to them, greeting his wife with a passionate kiss, tenderly caressing her stomach, holding their unborn child.

Putting the briefcase down on the counter he then went over to the table, lightly patted Colin's shoulder, while trying to find out what his son was working on. Afterwards he kissed the cheek of Alyssa and lightly pinched her other cheek, giving her a happy smile.

"Guess what?" he then asked his daughter, placing himself in a chair next to her.

"Dad! You know I hate to guess!" Alyssa explained annoyed.

"Ok ok" Ryan grinned, raising his hands in defeat.

"I've got the papers." he then announced, glancing over to Marissa.

"So, if you two are really sure about this, Marissa can sign them and it will be official!" he explained while getting up and reaching for the briefcase, opening it and taking out the documents. Returning to the table he sat down again, placing them in front of the girl, before giving her a questioning look, waiting for her reaction.

Alyssa slowly picked up the papers and surveyed them closely, before she rose from her chair and walked over to the model, leaning against the bar besides Marissa.

"You sure you wanna be my Mum?" Alyssa then softly asked, shyly grinning.

"You sure you wanna be my daughter?" Marissa replied smirking, tenderly touching the girl's cheek.

Alyssa gulped slightly, trying to sound as sure as she felt in her heart when she answered:

"Yes… Mum…"

Marissa gladly took the pen Ryan had been holding in his hands, reached for the papers and signed them without hesitation. When she was done, she extended her arms to her daughter and pulled her carefully close, stroking her back. No words were needed between them to show, that they had accepted each other and loved each other and that the signing of the papers had just legalised what they had been feeling all along.

"Mmmhppp… it's getting all misty in here" Colin peeped from his chair, being a typical teenage boy.

"Ok you two, go upstairs and put your books away, dinner will be ready in a minute" Ryan told them, while getting up and clapping his hands.

When the two of them had disappeared upstairs, loudly chattering and laughing, he made his way towards his wife, pulled her close to his body and said:

"Have you ever imagined being a mother of three with 35?"

"I have… when I was in college I thought we're gonna have at least 5 children before I turn 30" she grinned cheekily at her husband of one year.

"You're incredible, do you know that?"

"I had a feeling" she joked, before getting serious, telling him:

"Do you know that this is all I've ever dreamed of? Why did it take us so damn long to get here, when we knew it was right since the beginning?"

"There's a saying: good things come to those who wait… we waited helluva long time, but we're happy now, aren't we? I love you" he replied, his voice getting hoarse with emotions.

"Thank you…. – I love you too" she added winking, sealing their love with a passionate kiss.

**THE END **


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